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The D'Angelo Way (currently 474 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2020, 1:18pm
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So, what are you writing?
Location Virginia
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The D'Angelo Way by James Austin McCormick - Short, Sci Fi - An unscrupulous journalist sets out to uncover the secret of a fitness guru’s eternal youth. It's not the healthiest decision he could have made. 20 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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steven8
Posted: May 11th, 2020, 12:17am
Old Timer
The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
Location Barberton, OH
Posts 1156
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Ha ha! I loved it. At first I thought it might be too wordy, but it came out just right. I really didn't see the android bit coming. I thought it would be some kind of black magic thing. Well played. Mrs. D'Angelo needs to have her programmers put in a terse mode that she can switch to for after the show, to avoid that happening again!
...in no particular order
Reply: 1 - 5
James A McCormick
Posted: May 14th, 2020, 5:43am
Posts 77
Posts Per Day 0.02
Thanks Steven- I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for your feedback
Reply: 2 - 5
eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2020, 4:28pm
January Project Group
Location Southern California
Posts 6874
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Pretty nice story - congrats.
Several areas need tidying.
LUCA D’ANGELO (69 but looks at least twenty years younger),
a tanned, muscular, perfect specimen of manhood in a garish
track suit, stands on stage.
Tracksuit is one word.
This:
Should be:
(CONT'D)
Quoted Text
LUCA Always are my dear.
comma after are.LUCA
Quoted Text
LUCA (Excitedly) You’re certain?
Wrong format. Should be:
LUCA
(Excitedly)
You’re certain?
Quoted Text
CARTER Not true ma’am, I assure you
Need a period at the end.
Quoted Text
CARTER (CON’T) It would be a great honor for me sir.
coma after me.
Quoted Text
LUCA Two minutes Mr Carter. Ask your questions.
Quoted Text
SARA I think you have enough Mr Carter. comma after minutes.
comma after enough.
Reply: 3 - 5
James A McCormick
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 11:53am
Posts 77
Posts Per Day 0.02
Thanks so much for pointing these out.
Reply: 4 - 5
eldave1
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 3:02pm
January Project Group
Location Southern California
Posts 6874
Posts Per Day 1.93
Thanks so much for pointing these out.
My pleasure
Reply: 5 - 5
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