Double Whammy by Dan N Lyonsden - Thriller: Jerry Can, Pizza Delivery Man, Rooftop

Jesus, I thought old mate Jeff must've written this with all the babe action happening lol!  This started pretty darn good and building up to a nice finale. Sort of lost its way a bit; some of the dialogue when Maria is at the pool is a tad off. But it has some good imagery so good work.

Damn, some of you got some real basic variables to work with. I copped all the insane ones I think lol.

Thriller, jerrycan, pizza delivery, rooftop


I think you chose the criteria well, they seem to fit. the question i would be left with is how to blend the pizza delivery

I like a good revenge kill, I do.

so, set up is fine. the angry ex, the older man and younger girl - who then brings in the family element - and the innocent delivery man.

its the delivery man that doesn't work so well for me, a long with them having a dip in a blood soaked, body floating pool .

given more time and space this could be interesting, especially you could contain it to a flash apartment and a truck

Hi,

Some grammatical errors but some really nice visuals.
Not entirely original but a good revenge story none the less.
The affair with the niece was a nice touch but the ending a little unrealistic.
Seducing the pizza delivery boy after a double homicide seems a bit of a missed opportunity to go for the trio.
Complete story, good characterisation and some good dialogue.

Well done.

Excellent writing. Best scrips are those that I can skim over sluglines or just ignore them (mostly). Fast paced and exciting. I liked all the characters and they all had interesting names.

Big points for your pen name - Bravo!

So far, there have been numerous crime genre entries that verge on crime/comedy (and nothing wrong with that!). The situations being so far fetched that it's humorous. With that, I enjoyed the story and just how really crazy the whole arc ended up.

Good work, writer. Entertaining.

Well met all the criteria but there are numerous typos and grammar issues, probably just a result of the timescales and I'm sure another pass will tighten it all up.

I struggled to follow it in places but overall a decent effort.

Well, this is revengeful to say the least.

A lot of exclamation marks. I think you could get away with a few. Otherwise it looks like she's screaming a lot - Maria that is.
I liked the first page of dialog.

She's a bit two dimensional.
Was not very easy to buy into the last part - Sunday read like he's stoned to accept all that.
And she's like being with him - I don't think you don't need that beat.
Looks like happy ending. Thanks for that.
It's an interesting little entry.

Maria goes off the rails when she discovers her husband, Ryder, is cheating on her with her niece, Absinthe. So it’s understandable when she kills them both. Then she threatens to kill the pizza guy, but instead makes love to him after admitting she just took out a large insurance policy on Ryder. Then she lets him live. Which makes no sense.

The scenes flow reasonable fast, and the dialogue exchanges also go fast, so there’s plenty of momentum to the script. However, the thing that kept tripping me up, was the insistence on calling the house a “penthouse.” You find penthouses on top of tall buildings, but I got the impression Ryder’s home was an ordinary ground-level house.

Another problem I had, was that the character element, the Pizza Delivery Man, had no impact on the story at all. And I couldn’t find where the theme played any roll in the story.

Thriller, yes. Pizza guy and rooftop nicely covered. The Jerry Can was literally thrown in there. He finds it on the floor, lol!

Theme - Well I'm lost with the theme now, I think it's a negative of the Blood is Thicker than water as she kills her own niece, perhaps.

A standard revenge story but it was fast-paced, easy to read. A bit awkward in parts, like the driving scene where you pointed out the speed limit, his speed and a near accident. None of it was needed in my opinion, but all easlily rectified in another draft.

I'm actually a fan of the ending. Everyone, myself included, expected her to shoot him. It's a little far-fetcched but different that she chooses sex and money to bribe his cooperation. After all, he said it himself - he is not going to die over a pizza.

Good stuff(ed pizza)!

-Mark  

The writing is a bit clumsy, possibly because it was rushed. Also a little awkwardly written in parts.

Seems to meet all the criteria, can't say I loved it.

I'm all for killing your cheating husband. Lol.

Good job with all the criteria. All fit in well.

I did struggle through your writing a bit though. Example...2nd action block, Absinthe is on the chair kissing Ryder then she steps back (she's not on the chair anymore?)then "wades" into the pool. (How do you wade into a pool?)

Sunday doesn't seem phased at all that maria just killed 2 people. And then Maria and Sunday get into the bloody pool?

Just think this needs a bit more work.

Best of luck, writer.

Do they have a mirror in the garage? For a minute I thought it must be one of the elements.
Okay, sorry you must have meant the car wing mirror?

Whore’s bleeding out in the pool.
Then later I’m going to burn this
place down.
She's telling him her further plans?
She wants him to get in a pool with a person bleeding out?

I think it might have been better if you played it straight... assuming you didn't. There's a lot of absurdist humour in this and I'm wondering if it's intentional. For me, some of it's hit, and some miss.

Sunday stuck around to watch her light the match?
Arson plus murder? No insurance company is going to pay out on this one.

Thriller elements but oddly humorous and entertaining for sure.
Theme wise? More like - Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

P.S. Double Whammy - Double Hammy - the pizza.  

Nicely visually written, noirish feel, glitzy surroundings, and cool-sounding names like Absinthe, however, when you boil it down it's a jilted wife killing her husband's lover and the story doesn't go beyond that. Albeit it's her niece, which is I guess the anti-theme, from the niece's point of view. And the pizza delivery guy is strictly criterium here.

I think you had a shot at turning out a marketable script here as rooftop and gas can are not terribly difficult items to work with, however, with all the glamor and glitz here, this also becomes unfilmable.

AJR