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Don
Posted: September 11th, 2020, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Home by Sean O'Donoghue - Short, Horror - A man and woman are drawn to an abandoned house minutes apart for unrelated reasons and engage in a game of broken telephone in a house with motives of its own. 12 pages

Production: Low budget, 2 characters, 1 location - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: September 11th, 2020, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Very well written. Creepy. I got real invested in the story... then END. I did not get the ending of the story?  


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Geezis
Posted: September 11th, 2020, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Just gonna echo what BarryJohn said. Didnít get the ending at all.
But a good story.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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RogerN
Posted: October 16th, 2020, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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The story definitely drew me in; as I thought about the story I kept coming back to the line:

> A shadowy woman hovering above a bunch of shocked stick figure faces.

I think that line is key to the ending, I took this as the shadowy woman/spirit (could be the mother from other drawings) killed RAYMOND and NATASHA. Leaving behind the camera and backpack.

The story definitely creates suspense and tension. Great job.
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Kirsten
Posted: October 16th, 2020, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Sean,

I was drawn in, and enjoyed hanging out with these two in the house, exploring and freaking each other out, but I found the ending too abrupt. I got that the ghost got them and then drew it's stick figure picture to show they were now dead, which in itself is very original and creepy.

I'm guessing with the ending the image on the wall changes and we see the mother stick figure is now more of a shadow and has obviously killed her husband and child. And is now going to kill them?

Maybe you could have the mother stick figure move in the pictures after they have looked at them....then we will know for sure they are in trouble.  

Cheers K


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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BarryJohn
Posted: October 17th, 2020, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean O'Donoghue
Its been a month since you posted this script. And hereto we have complimented your script with a PLEASE request for you to enlighten us with your stories ending. Sure its the least you could do?  


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