SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 24th, 2020, 12:04am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Jeremy's Date
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Jeremy's Date  (currently 350 views)
Don
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 11:28am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14280
Posts Per Day
1.97
Jeremy's Date by Bryce Smink - Short, Horror - An attractive teenage boy, Jeremy, has a date tonight! But after getting to know him a bit, we find out that the date is going to be a whole lot more sinister. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 6th, 2020, 12:26pm
updated genre
Logged
Site Private Message
jwent6688
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.40
Not bad for a five pager. I like the nod to Swiss Army Man. Although, I was not a fan of the film myself.

I don't get why you don't show the poster early on. We already know she's dead so the missing poster at the end is not a big reveal to the audience. What would be a big reveal is whether or not Jeremy killed her. Or did he just happen to find her body and not tell anyone?

Either way I enjoyed it, I just think it could use more of a punch at the end.


James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
Yuvraj
Posted: September 3rd, 2020, 4:51am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
At my desk
Posts
399
Posts Per Day
1.23
Well, I don't know why it is in a comedy section. What's funny about it?

Keeping that aside, it is a nice one to read. Not surprising as such but terrifying not comedy, at least for me.

Good luck.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
LC
Posted: October 6th, 2020, 6:54am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4838
Posts Per Day
1.09
Just read Michael's review on the SS Blog page.
And, read the script.

Wow, Bryce, you're a junior in High School?
Impressive stuff.

Few typos. I won't dissect the rest at this point.   Dissect seems to be an apt word, considering.the tone of the script.

This Typo stuck out so I'll include it.

Jeremy spray colloun
Jeremy sprays cologne

A dark macabre story with some great black humour.
I hope it gets picked up. Would definitely be a good horror to produce.

Speaking of Horror I hope you don't mind if I move this to Short Horror. You're more likely for it to get noticed there by horror aficionados.

Great job. Good luck with it.
Hope to see more of you.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
RogerN
Posted: October 16th, 2020, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.03
Fun short horror read. LC (previous commenter) called out the one misspelling (cologne) I saw.

** SPOILERS **

JEREMY
No, she is a real... Breathing girl
that I've know for quite awhile now.

Jeremy stating that she's "Breathing" ... this is different from what we eventually find out. I don't know if it is a big deal, but to me it seems like a continuity issue. I wonder if you could find a different way to describe her with out making it out that she's still alive. Maybe something like "No, she is a real ... drop-dead gorgeous girl..."  

Well done!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
Kirsten
Posted: October 22nd, 2020, 7:28am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
323
Posts Per Day
0.21
Hi Bryce

That was great. It seemed like a perfect example of showing the inner workings of a character through their behavior. As I was reading I was thinking,, wow he's got issues, I bet he's got a good story as to why he's like this. My mind was working double time while I was reading this, so great job! He is a rich character, plus his sweetness made me like him, another good thing.

With the Breathing comment in the dialogue, I understand it to be showing us how much denial he is in about her being dead.

I think the vagueness of the poster at the beginning works fine.

Good job, it needs to be picked up.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
BarryJohn
Posted: October 23rd, 2020, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

Location
South Africa
Posts
293
Posts Per Day
0.40
Gross... kissing a dead chick and most like'ly doing leg-over with her. But, the sickest of all, is that there are wacks that really do this! And you, Bryce, portrayed - wrote it very well. Well done.    


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
spesh2k
Posted: October 23rd, 2020, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.19
I'd love to see this get picked up (you can check out my review of the script here -- https://www.simplyscripts.com/.....able-for-production/

Bryce has a very bright future -- I believe he's only 16. Would love to see him participate on the boards.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
spesh2k
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.19
So, been chatting back and forth with the young writer of this script (still can't get over the fact that he's still in fucking high school)... and this script actually has been produced! Not only that, but the film will be screening at SXSW in March!

If I were a sophomore in high school and had my first short film produced and screened at SXSW, I'd feel like the fucking homecoming king. Super happy for this kid! Hopefully, when he finds some time in between homework and other high school shit, he'll start showing up on the boards soon. Bright future ahead for him.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
LC
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4838
Posts Per Day
1.09
Thrilled to hear this.
Congrats, Bryce!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
Yuvraj
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 2:37am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
At my desk
Posts
399
Posts Per Day
1.23
Congrats, Bryce!! Can’t wait to hear the screening’s enthralling response!


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
BryceS
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
11
Posts Per Day
0.13
Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad you all liked the script. I would never in a million years think that anybody besides me would actually read it, let alone enjoy it apparently

I find all of your responses, notes, and feedback very inspiring and I'll definitely be posting more in the time to come. So yeah, glad to be here    
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1118
Posts Per Day
1.46

Quoted from BryceS
Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad you all liked the script. I would never in a million years think that anybody besides me would actually read it, let alone enjoy it apparently

I find all of your responses, notes, and feedback very inspiring and I'll definitely be posting more in the time to come. So yeah, glad to be here    


Welcome, Bryce. And congrats on the short production.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006