Last Day by Ariel Y (Bort) writing as Wayne Sax - Short, Thriller - A man is discharged from the hospital on the last day of his recovery.
  - pdf format

Twenty-Two - S2E17
Stopover in a Quiet Town - S5E30


Writer interested in feedback on this work
r>

Can see both of the noted episodes within this tale, nice.

The story itself reads well, though I did skim a little due to the (intentional) repetition.

The only suggestion I'd have is that his reactions, especially the first time, seemed a little off, would have expected a more gradual realisation that things were wrong.

But I liked this one.

Hi writer,

Waterboarding, or simulated drowning sounds like a nightmare in itself, but a simulation of repeating shit over and over till you lose your cookies for good…? Well, that’s just dandy.

The constant pain in Crawley’s temple region, I guess, is a detailed analysis that the torture device is not quite ready for prime time, being it fried his brain? Just my take, because there should be consistent looping without brain damage to inflict the most pain, mental anguish that is.

I see this was a fusion of two separate episodes? One: being stuck in a bad dream, and two: being surrounded by things that are not real, or in this case illusory, but the mind creates reality based on electrical impulses, here created by the scientists. The nightmare comes, I guess, when the subject (Mr. Crawley) awakens within the lucid dream-work and realizes he has no control over the stimulus or environment, which is quite the opposite of lucid dream-work, wherein the dreamer is the architect and player…

This world, however, having the recipient believe they are truly insane, and in the right place for the remedy… is a true mind-hack the likes of perpetual claustrophobia. Dark and twisted, well done.

Nice, a hybrid! I liked this one a lot, though I thought the repetitious scenes could be trimmed down instead of having the same description pretty much there each time.

Overall, it's well written, though there's some run-on sentences here and there, but that can easily be fixed with a quick polish.

Nice work!

-- Michael

They call it a torture device, but they all know it is an execution chamber.  It just differs on the length of time it takes the person to die.  I liked it.

Writer, good to see you get creative with this one, which I thought was generally well-written, you should try not to repeat the same descriptions...if anything, try and prune it a bit. Nice visuals and presentations for a short.  Good job.

Ghost

Hello writer

This was good - Don't think anything would scare me more than being trapped in a loop on my own with no way out.

I don't know these episodes, so maybe I would benefit from knowing them? As I'm not sure what the purpose is,

"Ol’ bastard thought he was going to
come out on top"

This through me. Did Herb know he was going into a torture chamber and thought he could beat it?. Doesn't take much away as the story itself I enjoyed.

I would cut back on the repetition description, was a bit over the top, we got the idea.

Best of luck with it.

SPOILER

Time Loop!

This was good. I wasn't a fan of your dialogues, but overall I liked the idea, especially the climax. That was a great twist.

Good job, writer.

Reading the outline for Twenty-Two, this surely has to be the inspiration for Final Destination?

Anyway, onto the script. Nothing wrong with it and it read fine. Time loops and virtual torture has been covered extensively though, in Black Mirror for example (which of course is inspired from the Twilight Zone) and I didn't see any new spin here.

Enjoyable though.

-Mark

Good little story here,

Writing was good.

I figured he would eventually go insane from all the resets, but I like the way this turned out.

I'm interested in knowing more about those scientists and the place they are in. I'm assuming Herb worked there as well?

Good job.

Congrats on completing the challenge.

Nice use of the “time loop” method. Kinda of interested in seeing how this would be utilized to getting information out but, simple torture I guess will suffice.

No complaints from me
Gabe

Nicely done. The man in the pod with the doctor's sly comments at the end was spot on for a TZ ending. It seemed like it was following the path of '22' too close until you switched it all up with your ending.

No issues with the writing that a quick revision wouldn't take care of. Good job!

2 inspirations, now we’re talking. Stopover is a great episode. Not as familiar with 22.

Nitpick alerts
-     no one in their 30s is named “Herb Crawley.” Someone in the 1930s maybe.
-     Ton of orphan lines already tell me this could have been cleaned up a bit.

Not sure you need to rewrite every detail. I think you could easily just say “we retrace all the same steps as the previous scene.” I admit that I could be wrong there though. That’s probably frowned upon. I’m lazy so I’d probably figure out a way to shorten everything.

I like that it progressed slightly since the last scene, but I’m already skimming b/c I don’t wanna read the same steps again. I’m mentally fast forwarding.

Ok, good modern twist with the toys to VR stuff, but that ending wasn’t satisfying. I don’t think I learned enough from the context of the scientist’s conversation. That was torture? He signed up for it? Was it some kind of game? I’m confused. Also ended pretty abruptly. This kinda feels like a Thursday nighter.

I think is you steamlined the repetition you could have added an additional 4th step. Some more panic and a finish line in the distance type goal for Herb to reach before the VR reveal.

I woulda gave every character a little more… character also. Tough to do in such a short time, and the Nurse was understandably robotic, but I think there was still room to give them all a bit more character.

Not bad though.

This was great. I got a Groundhog Day vibe from this, if said movie had been done TZ style.

The former episode was videotaped, and the latter is one of two episodes referenced in the Rush song, "The Twilight Zone." (Not to be confused with the Golden Earring hit.)

Tranquil Pines reminds me of the TV show Wayward Pines.

Quoted Text The elevator doors open, eyes shut as he steps out of the elevator he...

Written a bit awkwardly. Run-on sentence?

Turn off "More" and "Continued."

Quoted Text INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS The hospital corridor is [Q]uiet, empty, and a few lights are turned off.

Redundant. Try not to repeat the slug in the action line.

*Spoiler*

I didn't see that twist coming. Not quite sure why they the scientists were experimenting on him.

Overall, impressive. I was afraid you were going to run out of time and whimper out. Should be simple enough to film, but maybe not quite low budget.

I liked it.