A Vile Night by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - A peaceful night. Someone in your front yard. What can go wrong? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Yuvraj,

I have a rule. If I don’t understand what’s going on the first time, I rarely go back to read a second time to see if I can make sense of what I just read. That’s what happened to me with this one.

First off, it was a pretty strong read. Everything you wanted me to see, I saw. So good on that. But you lost me when it turns out Kevin knew Jerry, then Janet appears, so I guess they were in cahoots. Then Blair. I really did not get a rhyme or reason as to what was happening and why. Some sort of ritual, okay, but why? IMO, this needs some backstory to help explain what was happening. Without that I was kinda lost.

Steve

Okay, I broke my rule and read it a second time just to see if there was anything I missed and give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m still confused here. Can you please explain what I missed. Maybe I’m just stupid!

Steve

Hey, Steve, thanks for reading and commenting.

You are correct about Kevin, Jerry, and Blair been in cahoots. It was all a role play on their behalf. Especially, Kevin, he is sadistic in that manner. They kill and Kevin then wants to play his game with the bodies. Jerry and Blair may be annoyed with this, but yeah, Kevin's the boss.

It might sound too elaborate to be true and quite unrealistic. But some people are weird to extreme lengths. And plus, this is just a story.

Thanks again.

It’s not that it seems weird and unrealistic. It’s just that’s there’s no back story to help me understand all of that. You say Kevin is sadistic. Ok. How and why? I’m assuming Janet is his girlfriend or something. Ok. Why does he want her dead? Why did he act like he didn’t know Jerry at first when, turns out, he does know Jerry? And how does Janet just appear hanging in the house from out of nowhere? You see where I’m going? These are questions that need some sort of explanation in order for your reader to understand what’s happening and why.

I used to do the same sort of thing and got called out on it numerous times. It’s great if you understand it, but it’s essential that the reader, first and foremost, understands it. Otherwise, you don’t really have a story, but rather just a bunch of strange things happening.

I hope this helps. Not trying to be argumentative or anything.

I get where you are going, Steve.

The explanation is that they already killed the couple (random kill) and planted them in the living room. That is why the living room is not shown until Kevin hears something and goes to check. It is all in their role play that Kevin will act as if he doesn't know Jerry when he sees him in the front yard. Blair is actually on the phone acting as Janet which is part of the play. But Jerry screws it up.

Hope this helps in clearing your doubts.