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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  A Vile Night
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  Author    A Vile Night  (currently 201 views)
Don
Posted: August 30th, 2021, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Vile Night by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - A peaceful night. Someone in your front yard. What can go wrong? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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SteveClark
Posted: August 31st, 2021, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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I got a rock.

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Yuvraj,

I have a rule. If I donít understand whatís going on the first time, I rarely go back to read a second time to see if I can make sense of what I just read. Thatís what happened to me with this one.

First off, it was a pretty strong read. Everything you wanted me to see, I saw. So good on that. But you lost me when it turns out Kevin knew Jerry, then Janet appears, so I guess they were in cahoots. Then Blair. I really did not get a rhyme or reason as to what was happening and why. Some sort of ritual, okay, but why? IMO, this needs some backstory to help explain what was happening. Without that I was kinda lost.

Steve


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SteveClark
Posted: August 31st, 2021, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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I got a rock.

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Okay, I broke my rule and read it a second time just to see if there was anything I missed and give you the benefit of the doubt. Iím still confused here. Can you please explain what I missed. Maybe Iím just stupid!

Steve


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Yuvraj
Posted: August 31st, 2021, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Steve, thanks for reading and commenting.

You are correct about Kevin, Jerry, and Blair been in cahoots. It was all a role play on their behalf. Especially, Kevin, he is sadistic in that manner. They kill and Kevin then wants to play his game with the bodies. Jerry and Blair may be annoyed with this, but yeah, Kevin's the boss.

It might sound too elaborate to be true and quite unrealistic. But some people are weird to extreme lengths. And plus, this is just a story.

Thanks again.


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SteveClark
Posted: August 31st, 2021, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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I got a rock.

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Itís not that it seems weird and unrealistic. Itís just thatís thereís no back story to help me understand all of that. You say Kevin is sadistic. Ok. How and why? Iím assuming Janet is his girlfriend or something. Ok. Why does he want her dead? Why did he act like he didnít know Jerry at first when, turns out, he does know Jerry? And how does Janet just appear hanging in the house from out of nowhere? You see where Iím going? These are questions that need some sort of explanation in order for your reader to understand whatís happening and why.

I used to do the same sort of thing and got called out on it numerous times. Itís great if you understand it, but itís essential that the reader, first and foremost, understands it. Otherwise, you donít really have a story, but rather just a bunch of strange things happening.

I hope this helps. Not trying to be argumentative or anything.


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 1st, 2021, 4:04am Report to Moderator
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I get where you are going, Steve.

The explanation is that they already killed the couple (random kill) and planted them in the living room. That is why the living room is not shown until Kevin hears something and goes to check. It is all in their role play that Kevin will act as if he doesn't know Jerry when he sees him in the front yard. Blair is actually on the phone acting as Janet which is part of the play. But Jerry screws it up.

Hope this helps in clearing your doubts.







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