A Friend In Need by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama, Crime - Ben counts on his friend Tom when things get ugly.  10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks, Don for posting.

I know that my stories are often not understood by the majority of readers. But this is how I formulate my ideas. Indirect and passive.

Anyhow, I hope that at least one of you likes this script. My attempt at writing about a friendship that goes above and beyond.

I read it, but I didn't quite understand it, to be honest.

SPOILER

Tom and Ben are friends.
Jack breaks into Ben's house.
Ben owes Jack money.
Jack's henchmen threaten Ben.
Tom shows up and kills Jack and his men.
Ben and Tom load up bodies in truck.
Officer Jane shows up, but doesn't seem to care about the bodies.
Tom and Ben dispose of bodies.
Officers Jane and Dan show up at Ben's house next morning.
Tom and Ben say they haven't done anything, so the cops leave.

Were the cops supposed to be in on it? I'm really sorry for being dense.
I think you can definitely do something with this, but it needs to be tightened up and the why? need to be answered.

Other than that, there were some odd phrasing here and there. Language?

CONTINUOUS is supposed to be used when we move from one place to another, but are still in the same scene. Like someone is inside the house, but goes outside in the same scene.

Thanks Pia for reading and commenting.

Jane was in on it. Tom and Jane knew each other. She brought Dan with her afterwards to ensure the false claim about Tom and Ben's actual whereabouts at the time of the murders.

Thanks again.

I would like to see more about their friendship. Why is Tom so willing to cover up for his friend?

Also, as I was reading and was on p4 I just thought to myself that it's the middle of the script and I can't see what it's about.

there's also not much tension/struggle. Ben needs help, Tom helps him. I wish I saw a conflict or something. Other than that it's a bit easy.

I liked the writing.

Quoted from khamanna I would like to see more about their friendship. Why is Tom so willing to cover up for his friend? Also, as I was reading and was on p4 I just thought to myself that it's the middle of the script and I can't see what it's about. there's also not much tension/struggle. Ben needs help, Tom helps him. I wish I saw a conflict or something. Other than that it's a bit easy. I liked the writing.

Thanks, Kham for reading and commenting.

I wanted to write something easy and in a single sitting. Just for fun.  

I tried to convey that how far Tom and Ben's friendship goes. The trust that they have built with each other and how they smartly get out the harm's way using the right resources at their disposal.

Thanks again.

Y,
I think your story has merit.  But, I felt it was a bit contrived; at the same time, maybe missing some expo. pieces that would add depth to this dramedy.   Not bad for a fun, quick, sit.

Quoted from JakeJon Y, I think your story has merit.  But, I felt it was a bit contrived; at the same time, maybe missing some expo. pieces that would add depth to this dramedy.   Not bad for a fun, quick, sit.

Thanks, Ron for reading and commenting.

I do know that it feels a bit tame storywise. But I had a fun time writing it.

Thanks again.