Globophobia by Aiya Edwards - Thriller, Psychological Thriller - A teenager with a balloon phobia uncovers a shocking secret that will forever change her relationship with her father. - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hello, I read Globophobia. I would like to produce a short film for your script.

Best regards,
Roberto  

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Libby

Happy to be the first review for this, Aiya.  This is an interesting read.  I like your style of consistently building tension in the story - but I have questions!  What is the "pill" that the therapist is giving her patients?  Does it help them remember or cause them to hallucinate?  And the clown/father - did she just develop a fear of clowns as so many have before, or did he possibly assault her and is this what led to him being distant for much of her life?  I realize part of the intrigue of psychological thrillers is the element of the unknown, but did I miss something?  Again, enjoyed your short script.  Thanks so much for sharing here and keep writing.  You have talent.  

Best,

Kathy

Thank you for the review Kathy, I appreciate the honesty. I didn't expect people to be so kind. The pill is supposed to make them remember, or more help them open their mind. I guess their sort of like shrooms. And she is supposed to find out her father caused her phobia of balloons. I did want to leave the interpretation up to the audience but I think there is potential to make it darker by making her relationship with her father more complicated. I do think exploring an extra layer, being the real secret is the assault not the her father causing the phobia could be interesting. Thanks again for your input. This is my first ever script so I appreciate it. Gives me a lot to think about.

Thanks

Aiya

Hi, Aiya.

The story kept me engaged, flipping the pages.
Ann and her father have a distant relationship, so I thought the story would take a different turn.
What was the reason for the distant relationship? The suppressed memory, the clown or Something deeper?

Maybe a little confusing that in the beginning Ann's father was supportive almost forceful to get Ann
back into therapy, but towards the end, he didn't want her to go back.

I assume Ann knew who the clown was at the end, based on the Doctors dialogue (assuming dr. told Ann).

Interesting story, but this being a Psychological Thriller, the end fell a little flat for me. Basically, Ann knew who the clown was. Was this the resolution you were aiming for?

GENERAL:
I would do a SUPER: LONDON on pg.1, or show me that we're in London, don't tell me.

Remove transitions, like CUT TO: and others, don't think these are needed in a spec script, more for production.

Remove watermarks and I would include at least an e-mail on the cover page.

Claire on the phone needs to have a (V.O.), she's not there, but we can hear her voice.

Why not give Ann's father a name. Any reason why not to?

EXT. means outside, no need to include OUTSIDE in the headline.

p9. Should be ANN not ANN'S FATHER dialogue.

p18, action is needed between each ANN'S FATHER dialogue, or merge some of the dialogue.

CONT'D isn't really used that much anymore.


ACTION:
Ty to tighten up a bit, make it lean and show me what's going on in your story, don't tell me.
(ex: We know the pill is for something else. p.7) --- all telling me, not filmable.
Keep it active, present tense (ex: talks) instead of present progressive (eX; talking).

Some of my notes. Interesting read. Keep writing. Good luck.

Frank

Aiya, you've got some great notes from Kathy and Frank.

Your explanation re the shroom type magic pill I would elaborate on in dialogue with the Doctor. Perhaps she can mention it's an experimental therapy.

All I would add is that the ending was a tiny bit of an anticlimax for me - not quite satisfying.

Your set-up is great however, and you had me along for the ride and intrigued throughout.
Balloons and clowns can definitely mess with people's heads.

Hey Aiya!

Just read that this is the first script you ever wrote. Very impressive! It was very good and an enjoyable read! It's not without its hiccups, however, and Kathy, Frank, and Libby did touch on a lot of the issues. I won't harp too much more on what they had to say, but I will reiterate a couple of their points that are super important.

Right off the bat, I was reminded of the old short film 'The Red Balloon', with the boy losing grip of his red balloon. Just curious if it was your intention to purposely invoke the thought of that film, or just a happy coincidence?

One thing that I had a major problem with that Frank had brought up, (and this comes into play throughout the whole script), is why haven't you given a name to Ann's father? He's a key main character, and even the antagonist at the end. I could maybe see not giving him a name because you're trying to keep it close to the vest that he indeed is the clown in the end. But that wasn't really very much a twist at all. But my main concern about not giving him a name, is all the confusion (the readers and your confusion) during the reading and writing of the script. Several times, you labeled Ann as Ann's Father. On Pg. 9 in a dialogue for an example. I read that and was baffled as to how Ann's Father got into the room. I had to go back and reread that scene several times to make sure I didn't miss anything. And then even the times you did catch yourself referring to Ann as Ann's father, you only took out the 'father' part, and not the apostrophe S in Ann's name. Several times, you had sentences that read

Ann's is making cereal...
Ann's is dressed...

Also, you label Dr. Rebecca Walker as The Therapist in several lines of dialogue, then label her as Dr. Rebecca Walker in other lines of dialogue. The inconsistency was enough that I had to go back and make sure you didn't throw an extra therapist in there somewhere.

All right, my next little niggle some might find a little funny, because I am an overwriter myself! I don't mind extra little details in scripts here and there that give a sense of atmosphere, even a little unfilmable here and there doesn't bother me. But I think you may have gone a little excessive here, and could probably do without some of the very minor subtle detail. For instance, you mention Ann's father has a freshly shaved beard. Well, if he just shaved it, then he doesn't have a beard anymore, so why bring up anything about a beard? Did you mean a freshly 'trimmed' beard? Then in the flashback, you say that maybe he's shaved, but you don't show it. We've never seen him unkempt, so how would we know that. Maybe when Ann mentions 'You look good,' he rubs his chin and says he misses it already. It's little things like that that make a screenplay pop and not read like a novel.

And now for something I agree with Libby on. I do love the story you've built up, but the ending is very anticlimactic, and even somewhat of a letdown for me. As I mentioned, it wasn't really a twist that the clown was Ann's father. I had assumed that from the first flashback or dream. But I'm lost as to 'was Ann's father physically abusive to her?' I didn't really get that feeling at all. Other than just a balloon popping in front of her, there was nothing that Ann's father had hit her or anything. And really, there was nothing to show that he was even verbally abusive to her. He raised his voice at her once, and that was days after she had veered into traffic and even crashed his car and made him lose consciousness!

So I was left feeling a little confused at the end. But, all in all, I did really like the story and the suspense you were building up, and I think you did an amazing job considering this is your first go around. Just cleaning up those few issues that others had brought up, it could really bring the story to the next level!

Great job!

- Mark

Quoted from Roberto Hello, I read Globophobia. I would like to produce a short film for your script. Best regards, Roberto

Thanks for the response, I'm currently revising the script.

Quoted from FrankH Hi, Aiya. The story kept me engaged, flipping the pages. Ann and her father have a distant relationship, so I thought the story would take a different turn. What was the reason for the distant relationship? The suppressed memory, the clown or Something deeper? Maybe a little confusing that in the beginning Ann's father was supportive almost forceful to get Ann back into therapy, but towards the end, he didn't want her to go back. I assume Ann knew who the clown was at the end, based on the Doctors dialogue (assuming dr. told Ann). Interesting story, but this being a Psychological Thriller, the end fell a little flat for me. Basically, Ann knew who the clown was. Was this the resolution you were aiming for?

Thanks for the review. I'm taking the feedback on board by making the ending more satisfying.

Quoted from rc1107 Right off the bat, I was reminded of the old short film 'The Red Balloon', with the boy losing grip of his red balloon. Just curious if it was your intention to purposely invoke the thought of that film, or just a happy coincidence?

Thanks for the review Mark. I've not seen this short film. But regarding giving Ann's Father a name. I think if there is no specific reason for a decision then it shouldn't be there. Thanks for that note.

As for the extra detail, I agree it may be a bit excessive. I sometimes get carried away and forget I'm not writing a book.

Many have mentioned the ending felt like a letdown. I appreciate the feedback I will work on that.  
Thanks for all the helpful insight.