The Devils Doorman by K.G.C. - Short, Horror - An evil pinball machine with a mysterious curse is killing off hotel guests one by one on bizarre ways. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy Writer,

Haha!. This almost reminds me of that Urban Legend, Polybius, almost. Anywaz, I found this entertaining overall. The story is competent, unique, but I feel you took the easy way out, relying on Deus Aux Machina to bring it to an end.

Nothing wrong it with - I guess I wanted more creativity. Not sure how I feel about your use of all those Smash Cuts, Cut to, ect... one or two could go. Too many to get through - so no more nitpicks.

Nonetheless - a solid entry methinks. -A

The first scene is interior to the Hotel lobby, visually from here you can't see 3 storeys and 80 rooms, maybe an EXT establishing shot?

Page 4, you've told us that the Pinball machine is in a different room, but here you have Peter interacting with Jacob, which would be impossible as written.

There's also no obvious Halloween connection, or midnight deadline... I'm assuming the pinball machine is the proxy curse and I did like it as a device.

I think the ending needs work though, as it felt a little rushed and too easy, would have been an effective twist (imho) if unplugging it hadn't worked.

Weirdly I've watched 1408 and Innkeepers in last 24 hours, I do love a good haunted hotel!

Decent effort

Reminds me of Amazing Tales.  Never missed a show back then.  Love your characters and the frenetic pace.  This is my favorite by far...so far.

This was funny in a silly way. I liked the dynamic between Peter and Jacob.

Jacob sounds older than eleven. His voice doesn’t sound very childish aside from his focus on the arcade games (do kids still go yo arcades?).

Someone else talked about rapid pacing, which I can see, but there’s definitely some sequences - back as forths on the phone with guests mostly - that could be more efficient and shorter while still establishing everything you need.

I liked most of you omniscient character descriptions, brings a nice sense of authorial voice. Like I said, some of the action detail re: guests on the phone feels like telling not showing.

Was a breezy and cute read, enjoyed it

Good writing style, and it actually flows best when there's less dialogue, IMO.

I always think the less dialogue the better with shorts, because it allows the story to breathe a little more.

I'd quite like to see the phone to be linked to the machine (i.e. the Devil's Doorman being on the phone) as it would tie the story together quite nicely. It would also keep the action more centralised around the lobby, which would make the story more claustrophobic. Together with the phone and pinball machine being linked, that would add more tension and intensity.

But that's just my take

[Installed a few months ago, it's never worked. Until today.]

This needs to either be told to us in a voice-over, by a character, or it says out of order until it lights up, suddenly.

Reading a little further, and I'm seeing a lot of exposition in the action. A lot. Nice try to get something in, but the formatting really needs to fixed.

I feel everyone craves hearing the positives about their writing, so that's what I'm trying to provide in my reviews. I don't feel I have the experience to critique formats, etc., so I will just comment about my personal feelings about the storyline - and I liked this one a lot.  Very novel and entertaining idea, no horribly graphic violence (but just my personal taste) and I loved that everyone "got what they were asking for" and then some LOL.  Good job on a witty angle and story.  

This was good fun and a creative idea.

A couple of nitpicks though -- I don't mind a little bit of writing that's not shown on screen to help build up a character - but there's a little too much in this script. Telling us that 'Peter has been in the hospitality industry all his life and there are no other jobs in town' and that 'Jacob lives down the street and regular wastes time on arcade games and junk food', is a little too much information the audience would never see. But also, neither were particularly relevant to the story, so you didn't even need them. In my opinion.

This one is more criminal - 'The guy is going on and on that his room is too hot.'

Also, those transition cuts were annoying.

However, I still enjoyed this. Plenty of laughs. Very creative.

Maybe stick as close as you can to this rule going forwards -- 'Don't write anything that the audience doesn't see or hear'

Good luck.

K. G. C.,

Your exposition about Peter alone intrigues me, albeit something I'm not used to seeing in a script. At least, not in unproduced screenplays. In Hollywood-filmed screenplays and other pros I've seen, they do include a lot of background info on characters who are introduced. It's never been my cup of tea unless it's absolutely necessary to move the story forward, but I'm not against it either.

Moving on...

Really entertaining stuff all the way through. Loved the deaths, loved the action and your writing.

However, the very end was confusing for me. Did nobody die or what? Was it all a figment of Jacob and Peter's imagination? Was it truly the Devil's doing, messing with them? I felt the ending was very abrupt and you still had one page left to truly tie things up. The phone ringing could make Peter's ears bleed and nearly make his head explode, whilst Jacob tries to finish the game, and saves everyone. Idk!

Very fun read no matter what though. Your writing was great.

Sean

Death by coffee (?) was certainly interesting. I like how you incorporated the pinball into the story. Best of luck!

Writer,

I could almost forgive you for not including the midnight curse deadline because I definitely liked this one. Sure, some of your action lines could have been trimmed and there were numerous asides and passive phrasing, but none so that they took me out of the read. Overall, good marks from me. Good luck!

Steve

I would never have thought of using a pinball machine, so great job there. Definitely not cliche. I love the old fashioned pinball machines myself and have many times thought of buying one. Only thing is, they're expensive and I would want to play it first to see if it's one I like.

Some of the other stuff reminded me of 1408 which I watched just last week. I love that film, btw. It was still a lot of fun ways to kill off your guests. Never heard of death by coffee drowning before or smothered by towels.

On the nitpicking side, the CUT TO:s and SMASH CUT:s and the alike were annoying and not necessary.

I thought it was a fun story.