Advance Man by A nonymous -   Short, Sci Fi

The scene description in the beginning seemed a bit confusing but I got the general idea of what you were going for. Some of the action was oddly formatted and overwritten too. Some easy edits in the re-write.

You came up with a creative take on the challenge and it definitely met the OWC requirements. I had to reread the banter between Allan and Theodore but got it in the end.

Very clever - good work writer. Good luck!

Hello.

I liked the reference to the COVID pandemic at the end of the script. The story was interesting and kept my attention, but I felt it was not original enough. I felt like I had seen this story before. Using time travel would be a nice superpower to have, however.

A really inventive and creative story with a few formatting mistakes. Correcting these will make it easier to read and easier for you to keep track of your time jumps.


EXT.  HUANAN  SEAFOOD  MARKET  -  DAY
Allan  materializes  in  Wuhan,  China  in  the  year  2020  in  front of  a  fish  market  with  other  Chinese  citizens  buying  fish. Away  from  him  is  THEODORE  holding  a  device  that  he  waves  in the  air,  a  box  shape  with  a  digital  readout  on  it. VAN Drives  up.

Instead of stating the info above within your description you want to set your scene by writing your slugline and some description first, and then use a Superimpose to display the required text over the image.

Example:

EXT. HUANAN  SEAFOOD  MARKET - DAY

Allan materialises in the middle of a crowded and noisy marketplace as
CHINESE CITIZENS line up at busy stalls to buy fish, meat, and wild animals.

SUPERIMPOSE: Wuhan China, 2020

Allan takes a few seconds to adjust to his new surroundings,
then spots Theodore madly waving a device in the air...

A Van drives up.
Four MEN in business suits alight from the van...

I liked this story a lot. It needs cleaning up quite a bit but It kept me enthralled with its twists and turns, not least the ending with the dastardly Theodore. Oh, the irony.

No logline ???

You don't have to describe your characters as white men unless it's necessary for the story.

The Old Man keeps crossing the same street over and over, waiting for someone to help him across the street ?????

Theodore Pauley Another white guy

Excellent use of Covid.

Overall the story was good.
It needs a lot of fixing as far as grammar goes but overall a decent entry.

Hmm, this read a little stilted to me and I didn't really buy the characters or their motivation - especially the change of heart from Theo, sorry Theodore

Well done for getting an entry in.

One line at the beginning of your script stuck: The gift you are given can be priceless (sorry not an exact quote) but that one really struck home.  Whatever your gift - use it, hone it - make it priceless.  Love that sentiment so much.  As to the story itself, it's a good theme and loved that your threw in Covid/Wuhan as possible "end of the world" scenarios.  There are a few lines of dialogue that are underlined - not sure what purpose that serves - ?  Anyway, a thought-provoking entry.  Good job and thanks for sharing!  

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hmm, this read a little stilted to me and I didn't really but the characters or their motivation - especially the change of heart from Theo, sorry Theodore Well done for getting an entry in.

Hmm, from me as well, but this time regarding your comment, Ant.
I didn't think Theodore had a change of heart - not for good anyway.
The Writer will obviously clarify, but I suspect him seeing the bats at the end indicates he's going to play a big part in setting off the Pandemic.

I could be wrong of course.
The ending needs to be a little less enigmatic imho.

P.S. Allan thwarts Theodore's dastardly plan the first time but then another potential End of World scenario presents itself again with Theodore at the helm.

Just a reminder the OWC is anonymous at this stage, so I've deleted your post (won't say who you are).

Plenty of time to give explanations for storylines with the reveal.

Hope you're reading and reviewing others.
Sent you a PM in case you're wondering where your post went.

Hi Writer

I would have liked to have seen a bit more of Allan in the opening before jumping straight into the inciting incident in order to get a grasp of his character

Quoted Text Allan activates his power and finds a photo forming in his head of a lab and a bi-speckled Allan and an British man in lab coats

I am struggling to know what I am meant to be seeing. You could work on presenting the visuals much better.

Love the premise, Nuclear annihilation but from a broken scientist selling his tech (Whether that tech has any basis in real life I have no idea, I'll take your word on it for the story) to the Chinese instead of a boring old Nuclear war. Very good. Good nod to COVID at the end and Theodore's next plan (although COVID outbreak seems like a massive step-down in super-villain annihilation plans compared to Nuclear Armageddon) . I guess those were some crocodile tears at the end from Theodore.

My issues are below if they help in anyway.

- The old man crossing constantly until someone helps him feels convenient and a little cliche. I would come up with a more interesting way to test someone's good nature.

- Incredibly coincidental as it stands. The old man is finally helped on the day the world ends, by possibly the only man who can prevent it (past connections to Theodore) who happens to choose (out of anything) the one superpower that can help save the world. I would rework it so the Old Man is looking for Allan purposefully, not just anyone, because he knows his past, and tests him with a good deed to see if he is the type of person who would choose to save the world. I would also forgo the choice of power, and the old man gives him the power he knows he needs (not wants). This could add in some conflict because Allan doesn't want that power.

- Personally I would have Allan test out his power first (So he knows how to use it, and we the audience can see how it works in a calm part of the story - rather than seeing it for the first time in a high-tension high-sensory part of the story). Then when the action really kicks in, we already know what he is doing and can concentrate on all the other things.

Anyway, some good imagination on display. Best of luck

Time travel is always incredible. However, I don't know if you can time travel to a place you've never been before. Such a tricky paradox.

Movies, like The Butterfly Effect are really intriguing when done well. I think this story could be reworked and would fit in quite nicely using nuclear Armageddon and mixing it with other real world issues such as Covid and the changes in weather patterns we've been experiencing.

Nice ideas writer. Good luck and keep writing.

Writer

You won me over--sort of. Not because the writing sparkles--it's acceptable--but because the premise is intriguing, while confusing at first, upon a 2nd read I'd seriously consider taking Matt's idea, having the old man seek out Allen instead. Makes perfectly good sense. Look at bits of the dialogue as well.

Anyway, not bad.

Ghost

I liked this premise. But at first I thought that Allen was the power and that Theodore was just a bystander.
But you brought Theodore's hidden agenda full circle when you took it to Wuhan and the start of the potential covid end of world scenario that Theodore is promoting with his device.

Nice piece of writing. Some formatting edits will clear up the grammatical deficiencies.
Glad you got it in.

Any script that is set in Chicago gets extra points. I like the idea of devices to shut down nuclear launches being used to start them. Very inventive. This might seem like a small point, but how does Allan go from being a research scientist to a tax consultant? It seems like a weird transition. The tax consultant who just received special powers just happened to work with the madman scientist who is ending the world.