The Accident in the Woods by Mark L. Ndlovu - Short, Thriller - After accidentally killing someone while hunting, Alex struggles to deal with the consequences. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Mark, first off on page 2 the super (below) is redundant. No need for it and it doesn't add anything. I'd ditch the CUT TO as well. I think you should leave that flourish to a Director.

SUPER: THE ACCIDENT IN THE WOODS

INT. WILDERNESS - MORNING
Not sure why this is labelled an internal scene. ?

The main takeaway for me with this tale is that there's not enough of a satisfying story.

SPOILERS ahead.

Hunter accidentally shoots an innocent woman, covers up the body, is later riddled with guilt, confesses to the crime and is sentenced.

In a Short script you need something unexpected, a twist, a haunting perhaps in this case, a surprise, or something that comes from left field.

Actually you might want to think about the fact Alex never properly checks to see if the woman is dead. That would come as a perfect twist if he returned to the scene of the crime and the body wasn't there anymore.

As is, this comes across only as a cautionary tale. We know very little of your main character and nothing of the woman, so you might want to start there. An audience needs to feel for your characters and care for Alex's plight and we can only do that with more story and knowing more about the character's circumstances - e.g. why we should care.

Onto your structure: I'm a big fan of voice over but there's just too much of it here.

ALEX (V.O)
I have to cover this up. No one can know.

We can guess this by Alex's actions.
Alex just talks too much out loud so it doesn't ring naturally.

When the flashback to the woman talking came about in a dream, that was more feasible. The dream he has with the woman essentially haunting him prompts him to action, but I would have felt for Alex more if there was more of this and it maybe drives him insane.

The last thing I want to do is put you off. You definitely can write and you evoked some lovely images of the forest on page one, but unless this is a preamble to a bigger piece you need more story, like I said.

Watch Calibre for inspiration and to see the twists and turns of what basically has the same premise as your story. Of course it's a feature so it had much more room to breathe.

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt6218358/

Hi Mark.

So straight off the bat.  INT - Is this a painting, or an actual forest? You draw a picture here. Is this an action scene your explaining ? Words like painted, and "steps into the frame" do not work for me. Neither does camouflage hunting gear. Camouflage is good enough. Also carries a rifle, slung over his shoulder. Omit carries IMO.

He's "grip on the rifle tightens" is better. We know who he is, no need to keep telling Alex does this and Alex does that. It just sounds unprofessional.

Alex
I'm not alone.  is this aside? If so tell us. Maybe a V.O?

LATER. A grave he dug? Why don't we see him doing this? You tell us he did this but why can you not show it?

So the actual premise I liked. The VO's are a bit too much, though I understand what you were trying to do here. It doesn't work for me.

I also appreciated his conscience getting the better of him. He faces the consequences.

I think you could expand this to give the dead girl a back story. Maybe she ran away from home, or she was a drug addict, or an escaped convict. Just give us something to engage with and this screenplay will have a purpose.

Thanks for sharing.