Shouldn't this be Jeepers Creepers IV?
I believe part Three was made?
Anyway, I'll launch right in.
SPOILERS FOLLOW:
So, to begin with perhaps mention where we are in the USA? I take it we're still in Michigan? And add a bit more atmosphere.
I came away from this thinking you could add some pages. At 75 pages it's very lean even for a Horror, but I think you could add some length to your opening. It all happens pretty fast and I think building the suspense could be the way to go. Perhaps with establishing/developing all the players a bit more, and maybe extending with more scenes between Hunter and Chloe.
The dialogue between Ron and Hunter is nice from the get-go. I particularly liked the 'spring into action' retort from Dad. But I'd build on the character dynamic between father and son a bit more - perhaps more is going on than just teenage angst in this tale. Considering Hunter essentially plays a big role in this story and loses both his parents to the Creeper creating more of a relationship here would be good. I'm not saying stick an ankle bracelet on him, but more of a lead-in to when the crap hits the fan.
Perhaps also an additional scene with Trish.
I'd set the whole housing development up a bit more, add in where we are Michigan (even though die-hard fans should know this) and pay a bit more attention to the actual estate.
'Skeletal structures' features throughout your story.
I think more details could be given to paint the picture of the new housing estate just via more visuals. How many lots are there - how many partially built homes. Perhaps some have only the foundations laid, walls and rafters on some, and only concrete slabs on others, make mention of equipment like excavating machines, concrete mixers... I'm assuming it's a weekend so no workmen are about? For Sale signs, Sold signs scattered about. Maybe it's a gated community? That could add some irony given nothing can keep the Creeper out but it could definitely add some jeopardy if some of the Creeper's victims cannot escape, or Trish and the cavalry have trouble getting in.
He passes THE CROWLEY HOME.
Maybe add that this is another home built to completion. How far is this home from Hunter's place?
MALERY CROWLEY (34)
Is there a reason for the odd spelling of this name? I know you guys in the US are often not traditional where names are concerned but I did start to have trouble remembering who was who. Naming characters is important and I'm not sure this couple's names are distinctive enough.
Two bodies
lie on the ground.
I keep mentioning the lie/lay thing...
Onto the Safe that Trish has built. Safe does not conjure a strong enough image in my mind. Strongbox or vault, maybe constructed from fortified steel, does. Maybe consider ramping this up?
Naked dancing woman? (more on this below)
Match cut? Is it?
Malery Mallory - I covered that one.
By the way, why is Trish's son (Darry) not in this? Surely they'd make a great double act. She lost her brother and named her son after him so I kinda think there'd be a synchronicity to that. He would have grown up with the story of The Creeper, and Trish's obsession with it.
Okay guys, now I guess you're following the tried and true trope (a bit of alliteration of my own) of showing some T&A in your horror but actually who exercises naked?
Britney’s boobies bounce in the bubbling bath (nice little bit of alliteration) but really, guys?
At least she is in a hot tub where nudity is expected, but apparently not some equality with her husband?
BRITNEY
Jim James Walters! I know you
haven’t been smoking! Do you want
another graft?! Ooh, wait until I
tell Dr. Andrews.Shouldn't this be 'have' been smoking?
Why is a 23 year old girl married to a 59 year old man? In my mind you're going to need to do something more with this relationship. And, why the graft?What happened to him?
The Creeper stalks after her. It moves with long strides,
quick, with purpose.This is not really sinister enough imho. Even if you take away the two words that actually reduce the sinister quality - 'quick with purpose'.
This (below) is great:
BOOM!
Sparks fly from the grill of the truck.
BOOM!
A headlight shatters.
BOOM!
The windshield puffs out shards as the bullets pierce it.
BOOM!
More sparks, smoke, and a lingering ringing sound.
Ron stops short of the truck.
He cocks the shotgun once more, then slowly makes his way
toward the driver side of the truck.
Ron walks up to the door...
Just get rid of the slow stuff, anything that includes: 'walks', replace it with a more powerful verb. Imho.
Out of order notes:
Hunter needs to register more shock, perhaps hunker down, stifle his own scream when he witnesses Britney being snatched.
The Creeper, hunched over Britney’s dead body. Its wings have
been rebuilt, most likely by Jim’s skin graft. Most likely does not belong in your script. (You're going to have to show this perhaps by its colour?) Or grotesquely show how the Creeper uses human body-parts to patch itself up. This is, after all the folklore of the beast.
You need a bit more of a segue to the Creeper, and Scott's truck bursting into flames.
P36 "He begins to run back toward his house."
Suggest: He tears off running towards the house.
No, toward Ron, who sprints as fast as he can!No, toward?
Ron walks toward the truck. He pumps the shotgun.Again, I'd look for stronger verbs.
Good moment here:
He yanks the door open!
Nobody’s inside.
Ron spins around toward the empty neighborhood.The creeper unlocks the door as...Wouldn't it just smash through that door?
The Creeper sniffs the air, in her direction. The slit on its
nose breathes with it.What's that mean?
Lisa, watches the Creeper through the window.No comma needed.
My dad has a CV radio in his
basement! We gotta call for help!CB radio?
the bone juts out the skin.I think you could more with that to show the open flesh.
The car, twisted like a tin can and engulfed.Engulfed in flames?
Amber GASPS awake! For real this time. (Delete 'for real this time').
P44 I can't help thinking Trish would have warned the new community. Maybe the refuse to believe her.
And that after your opening (deaths) the cops would be surveiling the area and Trish would be right onto this.
What's the relationship between Teague and Trish?
TRISH
Attacked? What is it? An animal!?Really? Trish says this? That makes her sound a bit daft.
Does Trish really have no idea where the new housing development is?
"
Lisa suddenly steps in between the Creeper and the two teens."
She was in the doorway a moment ago so you need to have her fly across the yard etc.
Guerra looks on at the creature before him p49 Where'd he come from?
TEAGUE p52
You’re gonna let that go, are you?I assume you mean: You're
never gonna let that go, are you?
Hunter scrambles over behind the wheel.Suggest:Hunter scrambles into the front seat gets behind the wheel.
Amber practically hyperventilates behind him.l guarantee on-screen she
will be hyperventilating. Avoid writing what a character 'nearly' does. Amber hyperventilates. Leave 'practically' out of it.
Trish watches, kisses her teeth.I know what this means but it never accomplishes the visual imho.
TRISH
Don’t be afraid.I think she should offer more here. Meaning
if you show fear, you're dead. She offers her shotgun to him.She's not offering him coffee. She should thrust the shotgun into his lap.
Large stadium lights BLAST on and shine down onto the
scarecrow riddled property and illuminates hole with the safe
in the backyard.You could describe this more eloquently.
A lung splats onto the ground.
A stomach lands nearby.We'll just see chunks of blood and viscera. At least if you want to describe something easily identifiable it'd be intestines, but otherwise it's blood and guts.
TRISH
(to Hunter and Amber)
Plan A just went out the fuckin’
window! Time for plan B!Would be better considering the Creeper is upon them as just:
Time for Plan B!
HUNTER
NO!?
I would personally avoid the interrobang.
TRISH GRABS THE MONSTER FROM BEHIND! She holds tight and falls backwards, DRAGS THE STUNNED CREEPER INTO THE FIRE! And just like that, its gone.I'd drag this visual of it plummeting to its death out more. And especially that Trish is sucked into oblivion along with it. I only just realised what happened. (see below)Pivotal moment, needs more oomph.
The section at the bottom of p72/top of 73 - is Trish dead? Okay after re-reading she dragged it backwards into the pit and went in with it.
And just like that, its gone. (Typo)
And just like that, it's gone. (it's). And so is she. Bummer, my heroine is gone.
Malery’s charred corpse lays face down on a lawn..Lies facedown
Amber lays across the back seatAmber lies across the back seat.
You need to lay back downYou need to lie back down
So, overall I love it.
I do think things could do with fleshing out more - your opening specifically; the calm before the storm, sightings of the Creeper when Hunter and Chloe are oblivious, the deep dark cavern beneath the pipe, the character's relationships a little bit etc. We need to care about these characters before they die, to know them a bit more.
I loved the ending, very nicely done.
But then afterwards I thought 'how the hell did he get out so gast'?
I'm not sure if you could do something clever there but the thought lingered... Which probably would with your audience, despite the Creeper basically being unkillable. I suppose it could have rebuilt itself with Trish's body-parts. Maybe a quick flash to her (as much as I hate to say it) desecrated body?
Anyway, great job, guys. It's an easy read. I''m glad you said to heck with the 'rules' and included your music choices, and stuck with many of The Creeper's tropes which fans will recognise. A nice little homage to Alien with the lick to the face. Hmm, Freddy too.
Hope some of this helps. Jmho, of course.