Run by A Perpetual Loser - A routine run takes a dark turn for a carefree young jogger.  Short, Horror

Another one that fits the brief well and would be cheap to shoot too.

This one feels a little simplistic though and maybe needs some extension or back story.

With Travis appearing out of nowhere at times I wondered if he was just a psycho or supernatural?

If the latter then maybe more could be made of this.

Twist was left field but I kinda like it... maybe show her with A LOT of other necklaces!

This one includes a chase for sure. However, I didn't really feel anything for any of the characters. I just simply didn't know anything about them and therefore it's hard to feel engaged. I like Tony's idea of in the end showing her with more necklaces. It has to have some sort of reason for what's happening. A why. Letting us know a little more about Skyler would also help.

Still good though. It fits the challenge and it was written well IMO.

Just read this one. I must admit I have to agree with Pia's comments above. I felt nothing but a constructed narrative with no sense of a tension the writer attempts ro create.

I found this one a bit awkward to read.

The way some things were phrased was a bit confusing...

A dark forest with harsh sunlight?
Clusters of trees with sinister shadows?

Overall it was a story of a guy chasing a woman through the woods, killing her, and handing his trinket to his sick wife.

There wasn't much for me to grab on to.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

RUN doesn’t quite check the boxes, nor does it
add a new wrinkle to the genre. But for all the reasons
I don’t like it, it has potential to work better (for me)
that you might consider.
Travis is not a very good killer. He flat-out allows Skyler to
escape too often. The chase seems drawn out.
But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Give Travis a stronger motive for his actions. He’s a romantic
killer who doesn’t just dispatch women, he has a very strong
reason (albeit warped) for killing.
Maybe the story is set around Valentine’s Day. I like Ant’s
suggestion of showing more necklaces.
That shows a pattern to his behavior.
A machete as a weapon is deeply messy. Maybe he strangles
women. Maybe uses something of elegance, like a scarf.
Not sexy with today’s horror fans.
Hitchcock lovers would understand.
The neck might be Travis’ area of attack.
I know strangulation is not as visual as a machete slash.
Just saying.

SPOILERS***
This guy’s a killer but I think he appreciates the necklaces he
presents to his (wife?). He should clean the blood off the necklace.
I’d like to think Rebecca doesn’t know how he obtains the jewelry.
She doesn’t seemed at all bothered by a blood-covered necklace.
Lastly, I think you give a fascinating clue that Rebecca has health issues.
She’s described as a “sickly blonde” and that’s a tantalizing trait.
Is her illness terminal?
I have some sympathy for Travis because of the way he loves his wife.
However sick that may be.
I can’t imagine what he’d do without her.

********End of SPOILERS

Of course this is my vision. You seem to prefer something more visually
horrific. No criticisms there. It was written on short notice. A lot of things to mull over.
This story is worth exploring in different ways, but that’s your call.
Nice try and good luck.

Alright, let's do this!

Hello, writer! You're my first read.

The opening reminds me of Silence of the Lambs.

Quoted Text Skyler stumbles out of the shadows, runs down the hill

With no problems?



That ending! Aaaaahhh!

This is a solid script. I agree with giving the characters more bacstory. Congrats on entering. Good luck with it.

Dear Perpetual,
I liked it. As Kate said often, "Wow - that's amazeen!! I mean how much back story can go into 6 pages? Quickly you show the motif - the necklass and the twist is that the chase is not so much for Skyler as the prize. Harsh sunlight, as the opposite of dark forest previous line; reads ok for me.
Maybe Travis moves swiftly (rather than something  ) in the darkness is my only microscopic quibble.
Poor Skyler - that's put the foot on the heartbreak.
Best JtF

This one ended with me thinking, "Huh?" There were enough pieces that it allowed me to assemble the backstory. I like that in a story. I like when I'm drawn into a story enough to want to think about it when I am finished. I can't stand when a writer has to outright explain it all.

Skyler, Rebecca and even Travis are sad characters. I felt badly for all of them without anybody telling me why.

Hi Writer

"A Perpetual Loser" - Nah, you completed the challenge and now have a new short script. #Winning

Ah, here we go, a woman in the woods and a machete wielding maniac, this is what I have been waiting for!

It's over too quick and I needed more in terms of motivation for the story to really grab a hold of me.

The chase was handled well, I could see it and I could feel it. Story just needs more fleshing out.

All the best, writer.

Writer,

Neat little tale, but I don’t think your reveal is enough to pin the story on. It reads well and the pace is frenetic, but some dialogue at the end could have elevated this and given it some meaning. Otherwise, well done.

Steve

I really marvelled at your writing in the chase sequences. Very, very good in my opinion.

The page limit makes it challenging to flesh out the story enough to fully convey the character motivations and clarify Rebecca's role in the tale. I�m sure after the challenge, you�ll have the opportunity to expand on these elements.

Still, the writing was top-notch, throughout. Should do well

P.S. Chris - Loving the insert of Kate in Running up that Hill.

Give me something to dream about, later

Ahoy Perpetual Loser--OK, upon a second read--I feel you could expand upon it cos' like I aid previously I have more questions than answers. What's so particular about that necklace? What's so unique about it? I'd imagine you could find one similar at any shopping mall, no? Now, if Travis was some sort of serial killer and he collects items from his victims and gives them to his wife as trophy's or something, cool. In a nutshell, just wasn't clear about Travis motivations. That said, still a joy to read. So nicely done. Best of Irish luck! -A

Writer, as much as I don’t do gory suspense, this one had me.  I thought you portrayed the tension of the chase with some great descriptives. As to the reason for the killing, I have to agree that maybe you could show a macabre collection of necklaces of former victims that the sickly wife possesses. All parameters met here in a gory little tale that shines.  Good luck!

Quoted from JtF I mean how much backstory can go into 6 pages? JtF

For all OWC this is a limitation. in my opinion.

Regarding Rebecca liking the bloody necklace , I was surprised and thought they are cumplices of the "gift" she gets : not only a piece of jewelry but also a life sacrifice.

This is how I understood.

I will keep reading all others.
Good luck,