Summon, Set, Match by A Hopeless Romantic - A hopeless romantic summons Bloody Mary for a date.

Based on Bloody Mary  Short, Horror, Comedy

Okay, so this is a different take on the UL it is based on, marks for that.

Written well enough and some good lines between them too.

But, you had two more pages!

I wanted more from this, even if it was just some more banter. As it stands this felt like a really good idea that needed some more something.

I'd consider re-looking at this after the OWC as it seems easy enough to film and would be fun.

I wasn't blown away by your title. I might have called it Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary or: There's Something About Mary.

You definitely put a new spin on things and it was entertaining. It could maybe do with a bit more comedy or some really over the top dialogue. Wasn't much conflict and it ended up being a bit non-eventful.

Overall, I liked it! Just give me more.

Why did I picture Bloody Mary like she was Connie the Hormone Monstress from Big Mouth? I don’t know but either way this was cute. I think there’s some room for improvement on the comedy front:

“Sure, because nothing screams ‘romantic getaway’ like toothpaste stains and a leaky faucet.� A line like this. Leaky faucet? Sure. But I think you could get more personal to amp up the humor. “Toothpaste stains and a shower curtain that looks like it has jaundice.� Maybe not that. But you know what I mean. Like the date story about the cat ultrasound. More of that could make this hit harder. Also love LC’s suggestion of calling this “There’s Something About Mary�

Definitely meets the challenge. That was a whole new take on an urban legend. It had some fun and silly banter, and a cute ending. This could be a fun first short for someone to film on a phone.

Good job, Hopeless!

Ahoy A Hopeless Romantic -- yes, I distinctively remember reading this one a few days ago-- and just how it stuck with me. Ah, such and cute and sweet little story, almost felt like a RomCom. For sure there's a lot more here to explore. Without a doubt, one of the most original takes on a classic Urban Legend. Truth be told, I loved it. Best of Irish luck! -A

Well, not mind bending, but definitely had a Rockwell ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ vibe for no apparent reason.

I kind of wanted them to hit it off to the extent that they moved the party to the living room to cuddle– of course he puts an Afghan throw down on the couch first because, y’know… blood.

Then when he’s about to make his move with the whole inconspicuous stretch and yawn routine to get his arm around her, she’s suddenly summoned by some 7th grade cockblocker staring in a mirror calling out her name because he just heard of the Bloody Mary legend via the school grapevine and wants to take a crack at it… damn kids, ugh!

Fun and entertaining for a night in and had me smiling throughout. Best of luck.

Bloody Mary sure is popular for this OWC. This one is a bit different. Again though (as I've said something along these lines in another mainly dialogue script) if you are going to be 95% dialogue, you may as well go for it and really make it sing. Not literally, of course, otherwise, it will be a musical.

This has its moments and you had spare pages to add more. I'd definitely encourage you to say "F IT!" after this OWC and write another draft where you really go to town on the banter between Bloody Mary and (for example)  'Maimed Morris' where he cosplays as a similar Urban Legen he's made up to try to impress Mary - add little things like that to add more depth to the screenplay.

Really neat idea though!

-Mark

Although a number of the entries have scared the Bejeesus out of me, the only thing I could find scary about this one is how sad and lonely poor Morris must have been to attempt to summon a demon, just for a sense of companionship.  The light banter and barbs from "Mary" served to lighten it up - very witty dialogue, but still the sadness was what struck me most.  I actually really loved this, no issues with the writing or style - all top notch. I do love Libby's idea of re-naming it "There's Something About Mary".  There certainly is!  Best with this, writer. Thanks for another nice OWC entry.  

Dear Hopeless,
there's many shades of subtlety to this life affirming short. Poor Morris - I pictured him as a post modern Zappa's "Disco boy" in a Coldplay sort of drab world, hoping for someone anyone to mute the mundane hub-bub of modern dating. The fact that the ending is premature, almost a twisted reflection of his hopelessness. . . Least he ain't dead (yet) - or listening to Harry Edward Nilsson III. Neat work - best JtF

Hello,

I like the premise of your story.

Many of us resonate with the loneliness life can be sometimes and also who never tried to "force" a date.

I did feel like reading more.

Great Job!

Another bloody Bloody Mary script. I've always gotten Bloody Mary confused with Red Rover.

The sound you typically cap are sound effects added in post. Like a creaking floor, or a rattling door, heavy breathing, demonic screaming, cartoon bongo feet, etc.

I love how Morris nonchalantly asks Mary out on a date.

Quoted Text Sure, because nothing screams ‘romantic getaway’ like toothpaste stains and a leaky faucet.

I love this line!

This was... cute. I could picture a suave ,Black actor as Morris and a top comedian as Bloody Mary. Maybe a big, glamorous star with a personality. Maybe Jennifer Lawrence. Maybe someone like Sarah Sherman. This is right up her alley. Big personality comedian or A-list actress.

Quoted from LC I wasn't blown away by your title. I might have called it Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary or: There's Something About Mary. You definitely put a new spin on things and it was entertaining. It could maybe do with a bit more comedy or some really over the top dialogue. Wasn't much conflict and it ended up being a bit non-eventful. Overall, I liked it! Just give me more.

There's Something About Bloody Mary!

I absolutely loved this!

I really felt for Morris and from the opening I wanted him to be happy. The writing was excellent and I couldn't wait to turn the page.

Definitely would like to see this filmed!

Top class.

Damien

Quoted from MarkRenshaw There's Something About Bloody Mary

Now, that's perfect!