Big Red by Valentina - Six gallant gals go up in a rocket shaped like an aubergine. What could go wrong . . .  Short, Sci Fi, Thriller

And, away we go!

I had to look up "aubergine", and see that it's a UK term for an eggplant, and oh man, I had to start with this one.

Interesting that we're set in West Texas, but we have a very UK word.

None of the characters have been intro'd.

EXT/INT Header a mess

OK, I'm not going to throw out anymore things I see, but uh, there's a lot.

A comedy.  A pisser?  I'm not really sure.

Good job entering.

Really hard to review this one. It started strong, using the basis of a recent real life event to pull me into the story. I was really excited to see where this would go.

Unfortunately, as the story went along, it got more and more convoluted -- some of that due to the headers being all over the place and not establishing exactly what we were supposed to be seeing. Example: The shot calls for the INT cockpit of the X-73B, but then it cuts to the ship flying off as if it were seen from the outside.

I didn't really feel a twist ending here, just layers of the story being peeled back as it went along but none of it really came together. By the end of my 2nd read through, I gave up on trying to decipher what the story was trying to relay.

With some tightening and focused narrative, I think you might be onto something here.

I'm assuming this is from a fairly new writer. If this is your first OWC, welcome to the challenge!

Interesting choice to use a current event as the basis for the story, and with layering twist after twist. If the comedy had landed better it would have been more effective, so you were on the right track. There were too many moving parts to establish and pay off for it to work unless this were as tight and lean as it could be.

From the malfunction, things spiral out of control quickly which leads to the rest of the hijinks. We immediately learn the moon is fake (nice flip from just a fake moon landing) which leads to the mission being fake, which leads to the women aboard being fake, and that's all great stuff. The problem is there isn't enough time to adjust to each new piece of information before we're being swept into the next one. There are attempts at humor about the publicity stunt but the jokes are sound bites, they need to be elevated to work. The running gag about the safe word doesn't land at all for me.

As it's been noted, character intros are missing. Halfway through it felt like new characters were being thrown at us and they were throwaway characters, making it difficult to keep track of the important ones. The space manatees come out of nowhere with exposition that doesn't exist on screen (a viewer couldn't know they are from Mars) and Big Red was just described as a fiery streak, so how exactly are they supporting it?

The punchline almost works. It seems to suggest their fate lies in whether the ratings would be better with them alive or dead but that needs to be clearer to work.

I hope this helps, good job entering!

Valentina....

These challenges are all pretty difficult... especially for me. My stories can go all over the place (unintentionally). I think it is a time thing.

I say this because I had a hard time following everything. For me it felt very convoluted. Some over the top writing.

You are commended for entering.

Wow,  well that was a LOT!

To say this is all over the place is an understatement, but I sense the writer had fun with it, I did too.

Twist, well yes, but kinda not... this feels like a list of conspiracy theories, rather than a specific twist.

And no way is the deepstate ever employing Bob Lazar

it's interesting, but all the plot twists stacked on top of each other make it a little hard for me to follow.

Hello Valentina,

Well, this script is certainly creative and you do have the plot twists in there.

However, the plot twists don't work for me. They just seemed piled on top of each other and not earned. They feel convenient and changing the story direction too many times.

The story started growing into something and then it changes to something completely different. Kinda like bait and switch. I suppose this was ambitious for 6 pages.

Good effort.

KATY
Baby this is for you. The Earth
looks very beautiful from here.
It’s a wonderful world.

why can I see her saying this lol

this is weirdly funny and the writing is strong yet I feel like I'm out of the loop on at least two different layers of jokes. I just don't keep up with girlboss culture like I used to.

madddddd props for bringing bob lazar into this

Points for the Buff Jesus. That was a first for me and I bust a gut.

You had me up until the introduction of the fake moon. Not so much that there IS a fake moon but how it was introduced. From that point on, it was a definite headscratcher. Twists and turns galore, for sure.

Also liked the last line. That got a chuckle out of me, too.

Thats a lot of scenes!

Big idea here, probably needs more time and err…space.

So in effect the twist is a fake rocket launch and the various things on the moon and from Mars??

I could picture this as a slapstick comedy, like AirPlane etc

All the best

I actually liked this one. Not a dull moment and a lot of funny things in smaller details. Lots of characters and lots of things going on, but I was never confused despite all this in six pages. I thought it was pretty clever and funny. I laughed the most at Buff Jesus.

Good job writer.  

So, you're going for horny and hungry here?

I just read the Pinocchio one and now I find Bob Iger's wife? What are the odds?

Okay, I see where this is going... besides space.

So, you use everybody's real name except Jeff Bezos and Blue Origin? Curious choice.

You never cap our celebrity astronauts. A mistake, imo.

Quoted Text Three stars and stripes silks

I was confused and had to re-read this. I'd hyphenate it.

I could picture a character actor like Garry Chalk playing Schiess, health permitting.

SCaN = Space Communications and Navigation

NIGHT INTO DAY - Interesting slug

Same, Exec 1, same.

*SPOILERS*

Greens screens? UFO conspiracy theorist Bob Lazar? Stephen King should play him.

Wait, what? Simulation with a simulation? Humanoids? Robots? What in the Stepford is this?

"Blue sky"? Is this an intentional jab at Elon Musk?

Space manatees?

Funny, well written, but the plot (though ripped from the headlines) makes no sense. I wasn't exactly sure what to make of this script. It's not bad, it's just... different. Like that Snowbit script.

Congrats on entering, though.

Two points stand out to me after reading this:
1. You were discreet enough to describe the vessel as resembling an aubergine vs. what we all know it really looks like. 😂
2.  Like others, “Buff Jesusâ€� had me crying and I’m still laughing. That’s one for the books!

I did have trouble keeping up with the action and had to re-read several passages to make sure I was getting what was happening. I did love that it was portrayed as a huge farce following the old conspiracy theories about the US moon landing.  Thanks for a fun and entertaining read!  â€œBuff Jesusâ€� bwahahaha 😂

Weird little story here. Too many people/things to keep up with but I read the whole thing.
Laughed out loud more than a few times.