Somewhere In Time by Elise McKenna - Romeo and Juliet may be together in eternity, but does love really last forever?  Short, Drama

This is a curious script.

Quite bold and an interesting take with the first section having the world seen through one persons eyes. With these images latter seen but in a different way.

Overall it felt like two different stories,  and whilst there is no problem with that, i suppose I couldn’t have liked to see a bit more linkage.

Perhaps a quicker arrival at the second phase or maybe interweaved.

Reminded me a bit of ‘source code’

It’s one that lingers with you.

Dear Writer,
not quite "The man with two brains"  I have to say that SERGEI'S P.O.Vs are penned with breathtaking panache. I am completely immersed in these representations. Exceptionally skillful.  I love Lausanne - is that the clinic where Lasse Viren got his turbocharge??
Imaginative, insightful and heartwarming in just six pages. Excellent -

The old "SANDY BEACH" Slug.  HA, just kidding, nothing wrong with that, just seen it many times.

Hmmm, all POV so far,  Interesting.  Pretty well done, as I can actually "see" it.

"She smiles. She knows, and it shows." - Well done here.  So simple, yet shows so much.

"Sbiten" - I had to look this up.  Interesting.  A Russian writer perhaps?  Kham?

Through Page 2 - Appears to be set up for tragedy...all so lovey dovey...so "perfect".  Not an issue, just saying, though.

"PASSENGER CARRIAGE" - Maybe not Russian writer, probably UK, as "carriage"  sounds very UK to me.

Dialogue is good.  Characters good, even though we're seeing so little.

"silver alloy air car" - a reference to Red Barchetta's gleaming alloy air car?  Actually, even the Slug here, "COUNTRY ESTATE" is much like the Uncle's Country Place" in Red Barchetta.  Interesting.

Yep, we're definitely in the future now.

OK, cool.  have to say I like it.  It's a bold approach to use all POV's for so much of the script.  I think you pulled it off pretty well.  Interesting take and a twist I definitely did not see coming.

Thanks for playing.

I'm finding the POV combined with OS a little disorienting, I def don't think you need OS with the POV as used here as we know it's Sergei.

By the end of page 3 I'm starting to feel that the dialogue is a little overdone and sachrine, like even in love do people talk like Sergei?

Though plaudits for the Russian accent, I can hear it in the way you've written it, not an easy things to do in written dialogue.

I'm confused as to what Aurelie has just bought for half a billion euro?

And the end 'twist' sorry, I've just got the end scene from Tammy and the T-Rex in my head now.

Interesting idea but didn't fully land for me.

the usage of pov is interesting. i like the plot twist; reminds me of black mirror. my one complaint is that the dialogue gets a little repetitive

I keep seeing bikinis popping up in these entries. is wild things on everybody's mind ?

two things that stand out: the use of POV, and the time cuts in such a short work. it's cool.

I do think the scenes get a little repetitive -- not much is really going on besides these people professing their love for each other over and over. there's no real way to anticipate anything, then the twist happens and we get a bit of exposition.

I think there's something here about the potential horror of being stuck with someone forever and ever, such an insular, suffocating existence, but that is only really hinted at in the very last scene. I think it could be more: it could feel like we're watching a real couple, with their ups and downs, and the reveal could hit a lot harder. maybe there's "trouble in paradise" so to speak ? let some of the ramifications of their condition seep into the coma dream somehow ?

Hey Writer

A creative spin on the challenge for sure and the twist was definitely a surprise. A sweet tale.  Nicely written.

Yeah, Sergei and Shauna do get a bit repetitive in this story — maybe a scene of conflict or something fresh would’ve added more depth. It's scary how repetitive eternity might be for them — an endless loop of 'I love yous' could drive them nuts. They might end up throttling each other!  

Also, I think you need to make the time jumps clearly to the viewer in someway. I get why you can't do a SUPER but, as it stands, the audience won’t realise six years have passed, especially since Shauna will likely look the same at 24 as she does at 30 - unless you describe visual changes in her.

Overall though, I like what you did here, well done.

I'm kind of on a fence with this one. Starting right off and keeping with the POVs got a bit tedious for me. Thankfully it paid off in the end. I think if the dialogue wasn't so repetitive, it might keep me more involved. As it is, I'm just waiting for (and wanting) something to happen. The sudden jump to an unexplained bank transfer was a bit of a turn, too. If there was a reason for the transfer, it was lost on me.

But...it certainly was creative and different. Kudos for that.

I read this as sad and bittersweet. Loved the telling of their love story, but the reality of what it was, was overwhelmingly sad. Nice touch on the twist, writer. It just brought near tears.

I give you credit for coming up with something different and your POV shot worked well visually for establishing mood. A few lines in however, and Terrence Malick came to mind. This was just so overladen with sweetness and love which I guess you felt you needed to do to contrast with what eventuates, but it was too much for me.

Being picky here:

OSKAR

Both arrived in a coma. Shauna was
flatline, but Sergei was lucid.
Both of their hearts stopped beating
back in 1995, almost at the same
moment. We successfully removed
their brains...and kept
them...uh...well...alive. And here
we are almost seventy years later.

That passage needs a tweak imho. Shauna was flatline?  Sergei was lucid (in a coma?).

Your train shot goes from external to Internal and cannot physically be a Continuous shot - correct me if I'm wrong.

You packed in a lot in six pages but I needed something imperfect in Sergei and Shauna's lives for that ending and their virtual reunion to land for me.

The twist works well and changes things dramatically.

I'm a terrible cynic so bear that in mind.

Kudos for the P.O.V.  The story was fine as well. I didn't see where it was going, but I thought it had a nice touch. One of the better ones I've read so far.

I agree with Grace about the description of Shauna and the bikini. If it wasn't for all the "we" stuff, I would say I knew who wrote this, but I have no idea.

Good job!  

I probably missed why the relatives needed that. I'm curious to see why, but chose not to reread.

I read another entry and thinking it's from the same writer. Maybe I'm all wrong.

This has an atmosphere. So you wanted to show us what the eternal ephemeral is like - and you quite succeeded at that because of the feeling you created with the atmosphere. So, it's the main asset of the story, I'd say. The story is sound. The twist was unexpected, the whole idea behind it is sudden for me. So, that part could be better tied in I think. But a good script overall. I was interested to see where all this love was going.

More cowbell!

I already assumed Sergei was Russian.

Normally, "we see/we hear/we whatever" is forbidden, but it actually works here.

Sergei keeps saying that over and over, making him sound suspicious. It's like how Trump always says the same thing.

I'm trying to imagine what a Swiss accent sounds like.

Quoted Text (FRENCH ACCENT))

WTF? That twist.

Funny, I've thought about doing a romantic short film in POV, but I have a lot of logistics and life circumstances to jump through.

SNL just did a POV sketch, Two Bitches vs a Gorilla. Interesting way to tell a story, especially if you lack a budget or actors.

The writing was clearly professional. Sweet, sentimental, nostalgic. Excellent job, writer.

I see where you are going and I'm along for the ride. But at some point, Sergei
and Shawna's words wore me down in a saccharine glaze. I don't mean to be
insulting, but just saying, I get that they are and will be forever in love.
The repetition took me out of the story a bit.

I offer a suggestion:  What if as the years pass, they grow physically apart?
Such as, Shawna follows Sergei's footprints over a hill, but he's not there. Sergei goes
to the train station with flowers but Shawna never show. They learn to love
each other while apart. Maybe mix up the dialogue so they recall snippets of memories
when they were together. We will see how their love endures.

Anyway, a very heartfelt story at its core.