Let me just say, I enjoyed this script quite a lot so don’t feel daunted by my huge review lol. I was just enthusiastic enough to go into a lot of detail about how you could make improvements, as well as telling you what I liked about it. Ok, here it is:
Firstly I thought I'd point out that there are there are spelling errors/words missing from sentences that are dotted around but I’ll mention important ones.
- Write (CONT'D) after a person’s name when they have dialogue more than once in succession. You only did it occasionally.
- Lakesha's name is sometimes spelled incorrectly.
- When Joe says "You mean fu*k your ass off", it should be f*ckED" and with "I almost had to go in without you", cut "in" out. It fits better with Lindsay’s next line.
- Twice (pages 30 and 54), people call Justin Ryan which is confusing.
- It is unnatural when characters ALWAYS say "you are" instead of "you're" (for example). Often "I = "I'm", "I will" = "I'll", "we are" = "we're" and so on.
Now I'll tell you what I thought was good about the script and what improvements could be made.
The Good –
- Kabrina is a heroine we can route for. Lakesha is also quite well established, and I liked Scott and Stacey who were comic relief as the joker/ditzy slut.
- The opening is attention grabbing without being some Scream-style "girl gets stabbed by an unknown killer" scene that is often used to start these types of films.
- The dialogue between Kabrina and Andrew was good. Nice exchanges of words.
- The scene with Lindsay at her grandparent’s house was a nice tension builder. I think the audience expect her to bite it then and there but she does the smart thing and runs away. (I had a problem with this scene though, I'll get to that later).
- The Haunted House scene was cool but cut the part where the girl kicks Lindsay in the face, it was unrealistic.
- It was nice how you showed people reacting differently to Lindsay’s death, with some being sincere, some being angry and others plain not giving a sh*t. It was realistic and slightly character building as well.
- The death threat slipped in with Mrs. Olson's cue cards was a nice touch and well placed in a part of the script where nothing horror-ish had happened in a while.
- SPOILERS - Megan’s death scene was cool and creepy.
- Lakesha’s chase scene was good, although considering it’s the climax, it could possibly be a bit longer – END OF SPOILERS.
- Dialogue overall is pretty decent. Sometimes it's a bit cheesy and typical, but for the most part it's good. However, I didn't like a couple of really BAD moments like when Lindsay said "Okey dokey" and Nicole said "Boy oh boy". I mean, what self respecting teenager says those things? Lol.
Improvements that could be made -
- In the opening, a 7 year old is home alone which is unrealistic. Include a babysitter who leaves when Rebecca comes home.
- Here's the problem I have with Lindsay at her grandparents house: She didn't put the key BACK under the rock, so it's not like the killer could've retrieved it and entered the house, so the crash in the basement can't be the killer which makes it less scary.
- The killer's outfit - if I saw this on screen I would pi*s myself laughing. In theory it fits the plot, but it would look stupid and not be at all threatening.
- SPOILER – Why is Lt. Jenson is killed? What’s the motive? END OF SPOILERS.
- Joe is expecting to go to the dance with Nicole. Why? Would he REALLY have made this arrangement when he's so upset about Lindsay's murder?
- Lakesha is lured back into the bookstore when the killer could've killed her before she left. Change this scene. Also, the killer really DOES get locked in at the end!
- Why did Mrs. Olson harshly say other kids from Rebecca's year deserved to die?
- SPOLIERS – After Mrs. Gordon's death, show the killer spot Scott and Stacey leaving so it’s not random when the killer later appears in the car park to kill them.
- Some of the deaths are good but they could be more original/varied. Sure the killer uses many implements, but all the deaths just involve people being stabbed with them. The double impalement has been done too many times. Stacey should escape just before the killer tried to impale her. She could be chased through the school (maybe discover Mrs. Gordon’s body) as she tries to make it to the main hall. At the same time the girls would be preparing to go on stage. Stacey could run through a door that leads backstage. Just as she reaches the curtain, the killer gets her as the audience applaud the candidates (no one hears her screams). Then Mrs. Olson is like "Hmm, we appear to be one missing". Lol sorry to go but I pictured this and thought it would be really cool! The rest of the scene would then play out like it is in your script.
- Why did the killer go after Joe? Sure, kill the guy if he gets in the way, but otherwise why bother? - END OF SPOILERS
- Most characters are bland and there were so many it got confusing. You should keep the dates/escorts the same, rather than have say Andrew escorting Lakesha but going to the dance with Megan. Also, Nicole said she was going to the dance with Andrew (was Megan was supposed to say that?). Megan has like 10 lines in the whole script so you should make her and Nicole one character as neither are important SPOLIER – but use Megan’s death to kill the character because it was cool – END OF SPOILER. Ryan is also expendable. You could merge him and Joe into one character? That’s less people to focus on so everyone gets more lines and becomes more established.
- It goes a little downhill at the climax. Everything feels rushed and I didn't like how you resorted to everyone running off on their own to get killed.
- SPOILERS - How does the killer hang Andrew’s body on the door without anyone noticing? Have Kabrina find him in the barn instead.
- Lakesha finds Scott and Stacey in HER car. I think you meant Scott’s car (where they were killed). Have her run to her car, search her pockets for her keys, discover she doesn't have them, then run to Scott's car and find the bodies. She could check the ignition for the keys for his car but they're not there so she hides in the backseat. This would make it all so much more logical – END OF SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS! BEWARE!!
The ending was tacky but it fits the campy 80s style slasher you have so the ending isn’ out of place. However, it feels tacked on because so much information comes out of nowhere. Kabrina has a previously mute twin sister who was institutionalised. How convenient. Make hints to this stuff throughout so all the groundwork is done before the reveal. Oh, and Kabrina and Sabrina? That’s stupid. Don’t give them rhyming names. I also don’t like how the killer is someone we’ve never seen before. How about adding a scene where Kabrina’s behaviour seems odd to her friends and then later, when someone mentions it to her, she hasn’t got a clue what they’re talking about (because the previous time it had been her twin trying to see if she could pass herself off as Kabrina like she plans to!). The audience wouldn’t feel so cheated when the killer is revealed.
Play up the Homecoming Queen thing more. Sabrina says Kabrina couldn’t resist playing with the kerosene lamps, but she was going for the tiara! Mention that. Have her be all “and you just couldn’t resist touching it could you, you wanted to be a homecoming queen yourself” (only with better dialogue lol), so Sabrina makes sure Kabrina gets her wish before taking it herself. One problem I have is that your synopsis said the killer was targeting the Homecoming Queen candidates, when all she really does is target Lindsay and Lakesha and make Kabrina the Queen. The other three girls are basically just ignored and then killed off really quickly later on. Maybe those three get their own little moments where they are stalked or sent a note or something. This would be easier if you merged Nicole and Megan. This is why no male characters should be targeted. They should only be killed if they happen to be in the way (like Scott in the car and the guys at the farm house).
END OF SPOILERS
Sorry that was REALLY long but I hope it was helpful and constructive. Seriously, take it as a compliment. I wouldn’t have made so much effort if I hadn’t liked the script! All in all I enjoyed your script and I’m impressed that this is one of your first feature lengths and your first horror. It doesn’t break any new ground but that doesn’t bother me, mine don’t really either (I write the same kind of stuff lol). I always say that an overly used formula often only feels overly used because it’s been used BADLY so often. Use the slasher formula well and concentrate on good structure, dialogue, action, deaths and hopefully the odd unseen twist, and you can produce a good script even if it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Some parts of yours were actually scarily similar to one I’m writing that I will be posting quite soon! We must think a like lol.
The format is good, everything flows nicely, the structure and pacing is great (there’s never an opportunity to get bored), and you really start to build some suspense. I think you lose it with a rushed climax that is perhaps too short and a twist ending that seems tacked on. Sort these out (and the other minor problems mentioned) and you’ll have a great, fun little slasher script on your hands! Well done.
Ian
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