Masquerade by Cindy Keller - Horror - A happily-married woman tries to fix-up her single girl friend with one of her husband's coworkers. She decides to have a Halloween party to do so. During the party they have a seance to contact a man that was killed by vigilantes, and end up conjuring the demon that holds the man's soul in bondage.  The demon doesn't show himself for who he really is, well at first, anyway. He comes across to the housewife as simply a bothersome ghost that she must get rid of; but he is a demon, and he is still collecting souls, but this time he wants more... He wants the young housewife to be by his side, and no husband, friends, police, or owner of a metaphysical bookstore are going to stand in his way.  - rtf, format

Is this the one that used to be Halloween Games?  I was waiting to read this one because it was apparently undergoing tons of revisions.

Yep, this is the one that has gone through the revisions. I was hoping to keep it mostly the same, take out flashbacks, and fill holes to the story.
I wrote this using MS word so I had to change it to rich text for the Don to be able to put up on the board. I hope it looks alright.
Cindy

Lots of people seemed to like this one in its original incarnation.  I am going to check this out very soon.

Two Words

Awe Some

I was Druling the whole time. I never read any of the revised versions but this one is good.

I suspected this one would be pretty good, and I was not disappointed.  It is a pleasure to give my 100th post to such a cool piece of work.  As to your MS concerns, the page numbers are off, but otherwise, it looks fine.

But I have to say that I have no idea why you think "Masquerade" makes a better title than "Halloween Games".  Did somebody tell you to do that?  I do not agree.

While I suspect you are nearing a final version of this, I do have a few comments (and spoilers) for you:




*  Starts off with a bang.  I always like that.
*  pg 4:  I don't think Sus really has a VO here.
*  pg 14:  typo:  Susie's glares.
*  pg 22:  typo:  Bill's covers.
*  The messages on the church signs are a nice touch.
*  pg 38:  Susie should do something between leaving bed and returning to bed.  Otherwise, it is kind of silly for her to leave at all, and if played out, it will look like she got up and then got right back in.
*  pg 40:  typo:  lose paint.
*  pg 44:  The "Susie's dog" thing seems awfully abrupt, out of nowhere, and it never really comes back.  Is this a holdover from earlier versions?  It is more confusing than anything, doesn't add a whole lot, and the story plays fine without it.
*  pg 49:  Umm...what is an "evil looking arm"?  Should be "evil-looking", and would benefit from a bit more detail.
*  pg 56:  Chuck thinks they are talking about him!  Ha!
*  pg 68:  I like the toilet seat, too.  That could look great -- very frightening, but in a ridiculous way, you know?
*  pg 95:  "BANG!  A tree branch falls down."  Why?  I do not understand this.
*  Around page 92:  Here is the only "big" change I would toss out to you.  I found the anonymous character of "Elizabeth" to be a little weak, and frankly, a little convenient.  Why not use DENISE here (and later, for the descent), a character you've already established?  It might have a little more impact.

I have been waiting to read this one for a while.  It was worth the wait.

Cindy,

      I liked your original version. I will read this through sometime today/tonight.

-ONEY

Michael,
I'm glad you liked this. It's been almost two years worth of writing and changing things here.

Bert,
Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. The one producer thought that the title Halloween Games was a little lame, and after thinking about it and after sending it out to different people, I just thought that it would be better to come up with a different title, since there has been so many changes. Give it a fresh name so I could start sending it out again in case this thing doesn't go through.
Thanks for finding the typo's, and your suggestions. I think I'll take your advice and change Elizabeth to Denise.
The Bang was from the gun Smit had. You see him shooting wildly into the trees when the demon sizzles away
The dog part. Well, Susie was accused of leaving the gate open when she was an eight-year old girl. Her dog died. This accusation scared her. Luca was killed by vigilantes and never given a chance to prove that he didn't kill Nora. At the end Susie gets another dog, double checks the door, and she is going to school to become a lawyer.
Thanks again for reading it. I will go over it and make some more changes.  

Oness,
I will be waiting to see what you think.

Cindy

She is becoming a lawyer?  I didn't catch that from the story, but it sure explains those horns I was wondering about!

Yep, a lawyer. Well, I've fixed the things that you brought up. I appreciate you calling my attention to them.
I've sent it off to the one producer in Hollywood, and I'm going to call the other producer here in Michigan this afternoon.
The producer in Hollywood is a student. He said that he would like to start filming in the fall. I'll give him some time to read over the script, then ask him for something in writing if he still wants to do it.
The producer in Michigan has started to merge with people in California.
I'll let everyone know what happens with it.
I really want to see this made into a movie.
Cindy

 

Cindy: I took a look at your script. Your format is very spread out and tiring to read. Can't you get your pages slimmed into one frame?

Monette,
I had the script saved in MS word, then had to change it to rich text for simply scripts, during the switch it got goofed up. There's nothing that can be done.
I do still have it saved in the MS word on my computer, and that's the one that I use when I print it out.
Cindy

I've seen the kind of thing Monette is talking about before, but I did not have that problem with your script, Cindy.  And its not like my computer is state of the art, either.

Just so you know it is not happening to everybody...

Hmm, that is odd.

Cindy,

I'm up to about page fifty in this and I really haven't seen any difference between Masquerade and Halloween Games except that you took out the Big Bopper quote.  I'll finish reading it and get back to you in more detail.


Phil