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The Assassin by Joseph Cahill (medstudent) - Short, Drama - A troubled priest is summoned by his master to do a last job. The priest has other plans. 29 pages - doc, format
Kevan, Your review has far exceeded my expectations(not just because it´s a favorable one...I swear). I only hope I can do the same for you. I will try.
About the script... I had an earlier script up with similar ideas but it wasn´t as developed as this...Í have been obsessed with creating this script...I have plans to turn it into a feature but I want to take some time to develop it...I felt this script and idea, in general had potential. I´ve been told about my descriptions but am lost on how to remedy that. I´m not sure what I need to do to fix it. If you could give me an example...from the script.
About the characters... I went back and forth with the idea of the "God" character...whether to give him that title or not...It was just my warped mind(and soul) I suppose...but I figured the character would be taken as the "The Devil", "Evil" if filmed anyhow. People would understand the meaning. For some reason though I was obsessed seeing God as the head of an assassin organization...that was actually the spark for the idea..."What if God and priests were a squad of assassins and they used confessions as a way to find out whom to punish?"
Anyways, thanks for the thourough and insightful review...It will be returned.
Excuse the last review I posted. I actually started writing in the reply space to get an idea of what I wanted to say and didn’t realize I’d actually posted it, until I logged back on. How the hell did that happen? Anyway…..
SPOILERS
I liked the opening with Father Mcready doing whatever the hell he was doing with those cockroaches; that got the story off to a weird and intriguing start. I also thought Mcready’s relationship with the cockroaches served as an interesting parallel to God’s relationship with man.
I agree with Kevan's observation that the God character could be the Devil, because having God hanging around in a nightclub which was once a church didn't seem plausible to me. It would also make sense if Mcready pulled out of his deal with the Devil but then had to face God’s judgement for what he had done.
I enjoyed the dialogue and thought it flowed very naturally and I also liked the way the story changed gear, when the film of Mcready killing the woman was played on the screen.
Kevan was right when he said this has feature length potential. I think you could flesh it out by giving us more information about Mcready’s relationship with the woman he murdered and by revealing what the contents of the manila folder were. I was also curious about Mcready’s deal with God, had he killed for God before or was this the first time he had been asked to do so? What were the details of that deal and when was the deal struck?
What didn’t make sense to me was Mcready refusing to take the job but then going on a killing spree, what was so bad about the job that Mcready would rather go on a killing spree instead? I found that a little confusing.
However, on the other hand, I found that the ambiguity in this story was something that added to the overall mystique of it. So I guess it’s just a case of getting the balance right and making sure that the story is intriguing and not confusing.
It’ll be interesting to see how this story shapes up after a re-write or two. Good luck.
also thought Mcready’s relationship with the cockroaches served as an interesting parallel to God’s relationship with man
I'm glad you got that...
Quoted Text
I agree with Kevan's observation that the God character could be the Devil, because having God hanging around in a nightclub which was once a church didn't seem plausible to me.
Again, the initial thought for the idea came from God having an assassination squad...priests(all or some). When I wrote the dialogue for his character...I wrote it with the idea in mind that any name could be placed in place of "God" and fit.
One of my inspirations for this idea was Al Pacino's character in Devil's Advocate. A creepy, God/Devil figure that had his thumb on his followers. I can't remember if this character was explicitly the "Devil" or just implied. I remembered it as being implied...never stated. Everyone just took the character as being "The Devil". As I watched Al Pacino acting out that scene, I imagined him as God...go figure.
Anyways, thanks for the read and the interest. It's appreciated.
Just finished this one and really enjoyed it. I liked the dark tone and the mystic feel of this script. I was hooked right away with the croach scene which was quite disturbing, in the good way.
You've got some nice visuals as well: the priest filling the chest with items of his present life and taking out his assasin equipment, was a good representation of his inner change.
Now on to the negative stuff:
*SPOILERS*
While interesting, I had some problems with the main concept which you defined as: "What if God and priests were a squad of assassins and they used confessions as a way to find out whom to punish?"
If we're taking about God, know-it-all-almighty God, he shouldn't need confessions to know who the naughty boys are. And he shouldn't need an assasination squad to do the punishment.
The antagonist plan is central in any story, it's usually what puts your protagonist in motion. It has to make perfect sense. I would suggest to choose another antagonist, maybe the Devil as Kevan suggested, or maybe a lesser being expelled from heaven who isn't so powerfull and could *really* need to put together an assasination squad.
Another reason to think about redefining your antagonist: If this short is produced, there's no way the audience could think that the antagonist is God; they'll think it's the devil because he behaves like him. The script mentions 'God' and 'The Lords Club' but that information is lost on the page; remember the audience don't read the script.
Furthermore, your protagonist says 'I know no God'; another reason for the audience to think that it's the devil he meets some pages later.
Format is good, you've got the basics nailed down, but I think it could be improved a bit. Take Kevan's advice about descriptions that the camera can't record, beats, and the use of parenthicals.
You´ve got some action described in parenthicals as well; don't do it. Action belongs to action lines. An example:
FATHER MCREADY There. Guys ready for breakfast? (smiles)
This should be:
FATHER MCREADY There. Guys ready for breakfast?
He smiles
Your descriptions are good, but I think you could shorten them a bit and give this script a quicker pace. Remember that 'less' is always 'more' in screenwriting. An example:
The priest reaches for the small container of paper glue. He picks it up and holds the end over the back of the squirming insect. Squeezes the glue container.
A large glob of white glue extrudes from the end of the container. Lands directly on the back of the roach in the priest’s hand covering the insects back.
This can easily be: He picks up a small container of paper glue and covers the insect’s back with a large glob of white.
Some actions are implied by others. Don't get too specific in describing the mechanics of certain actions.
Well, there's nothing more to add. Good job on this one. Despite the things I pointed out, I believe it's a very decent short and I think it's got potential to improve even more. I hope some of these comments may be of help.
I just assumed Al was the Devil because of the title, but it's been awhile since I watched so I can't really remember.
I guess that alone would give it away...
Mr. Z, It appears that part of the script should probable be rethought...again, if I put any random name in place of God it should still read well. I wrote the dialogue that way. This may be the major sticking point in the story. You have pointed out flaws in the script and I will look into re-creating those parts. Thanks for the read and reply. It's appreciated.
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