My Dear Loo by Helio Jorge Cordeiro - Short, Horror - A cleaner of a public toilet is tormented by a nasty guy that no pays respect for anyone until the day when he decides to use the public toilet’s loo and so the payback succeeds.  - pdf, format

This is a good length for a short and I found it pretty enjoyable.

A few comments:

Character names. I had problems with the way you named your characters. While it's fine not to give them real names if they are never spoken, i think the names you give them are too long and interrupted the flow: e.g. THE GUY IN THE DENIM JACKET - it became annoying reading his name over and over. Why not shorten it to DENIM GUY or something?

Your opening description uses "we approach", "we slowly move" and "we hear". I think you could reword this with less direction.

FAT GUY: Oh my God. Someone is very sick around here. Surely he has been eating junk food that's why.

This line sounded very stiff and 'on the nose'. I think you could remove it altogether.

Overall, it's a nice premise and with a little work I could see this working at a festival. It'd be cheap to make and could be both creepy and funny.

Hi, Requiem
Thanks a lot for your efficient comments.

I agree with Requiem that the characters should have names, though I would give them real names and not just 'denim guy.'

I think you went over the top in depicting Denim Guy as an asshole.  In doing so, you made him even less than two dimensional.

I would actually flesh out Fat Guy's line a little bit.  Having such a character talk about proper diet is just plain funny.


Phil

That's it Dogglebe. I'm think about it. Did you read Hell: The Last Station?

Thanks a lot Don to replace my re-written short script!

Now my main character has a name!

Quoted from Grandma Bear you can thank bert for steering me towards this one.

Hey Helio.  I have not read all your stories, but this is my favorite and it still makes me laugh reading it again today.

I did not comment way back then because I thought you were just some weird guy.

Now, of course, I know you are weird.  But that is OK.

Very nice job on this one.

Hello Helio,

This is the first short of yours I've read.
I like the quirky style and seemingly disparate narrative.
Your pages are strong enough that I don't go looking for the twist.
And when the pay off comes, it works, so good on you.
I think character names would help.
And Demin Guy is a bit much with kicking the old man's stick.
But a loo like Audrey II is a hoot!

Regards,
E.D.

I hate to say this Helio, but I didnt find this as intriguing as my fellow posters proclaimed. I thought your writing style was okay, but needed a little work. I found myself a bit confused as to what was going on at times. For starters, I wasnt 100% where the toilet was located in relation to the cafe. I guess it doesnt really matter, but I like to know where I'm at at all times. Also you can just put LATER instead of INT. CAFE etc after denim guy finishes his meal. he's still in the same place as before so no need to reintroduce the slug.

I think my biggest problem with this script is that i was a little disappointed by its overall effectiveness. i love horror/comedy. its such a fun genre, but few people touch it because its so hard to pull off. with this script, i didnt find it scary enough (because you're talking about a monster in the toilet) OR funny enough. I like your characters, especially Samuel, but I think this script needs a rewrite or two. in fact, i like the premise too and i think it holds potential (despite films like monsturd). so my advice? make it funnier while simutaneously amping up the suspense.

oh and for some reason, i pictured this taking place in new orleans. no idea why. perhaps it was the jazz and rattlesnake boots.

I liked the idea behind this. Loved the title. I like out there short scripts. A loo that eats people. I think you did well with it. I think there was some missed opportunity for some comedy in it. Especially with th subject matter. I think Denim guys demize could've been a better scene. A funny one at that.

Anywho, I just read for entertainment as I see how old this is. I was entertained.

James

Thanks, guys! Thanks Pia for this regarding, dear. Yes, it is one oldest of mine.

It is like wine: more old it is more likeble it be! Haha!

I liked it. I was a bit confused at some parts, but I still enjoyed it. Good job.