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Wow, other than a few problems in the format like bunched together and too many spaces in other places this was really well written. For 12 pages it leaves you wanting more.
Since theirs not much to say, I'll just say good job.
This short starts off great and gets right to the point. I think you described it all very well. I didn't like Donnie. He seemed like pushed in there. I don't know. Maybe his dialouge or something.
I liked how you made Chip meet Mira. It was very dramatic and very well done. I enjoyed every bit of it.
FIrst off, the description in this script was really good. I enjoyed it immensely, totally set the scenes up nicely!! Well done! Wow, another voice over script - I liked the way you used it here.
Loved the opening scene in the lunchroom - especially the little banter with the lunch lady. I like those kinds of details in a script.
Really liked the way you went from Austin's face at school to the shot of his face.. with the bullet shot! I think that would have a lot of impact on screen. Gross, but great.
I loved Donnie's line about the doctor he had to pick up. Really strong sense of circle of life sort of thing. I think that the scene in the van is a tad too long. I like Donnie, just think it could be tighter overall here.
I totally did not see the ending coming, was almost surreal you know?! I liked it though, it surprised me and that's always a great thing. I liked Mira too. I like the way you described her beauty and the injuries too.
Not too bad, Bert. I think the only complaint I would have is that we don't really get a sense of who Chip IS today. The story flowed along real well. The only description hiccup came when Chip went up to Mira's door (wasn't sure if we were here or in the past), but I figured it out pretty quickly.
The only other odd thing to me was that one day made such an impact in this guy's life that he would remember this guy so many years later. It may have been a major trauma, but would he be compelled to risk his job over it?
I don't know how everyone else approached the bully situation(considering this is the first I read), but the flashback sequences with Chip and Austin were fantastic! They were written very strongly and really made the ending all the more satisfying. I also enjoyed some of the sharp dialogue such as Chip's opening V.O. on how parents say things about the move to make you feel better.
Donnie's precense I found a bit annoying but some of his dialogue was sharp too, such as the "he brings me in and I take him out" passage. Overall, very well done, especially the bully sequences
Hey guy. Chip was a VERY interesting character, but toward the end he seemed to change. He wasn't as developed later on as he was in the beginning. I really liked how the effect on Austin's life was greater than Chip's life. Real good stuff here, you've done it again!
For starters, Bert, you have the best logline I've read for this game. I enjoyed reading that in itself.
The story was well written. It wasn't just a bully and several different instances of him being the bully. Writing it as one long series of realted events gave it depth. You showed how their one-day relationship snowballed
I also enjoyed how Chip's entire life was affected by Austin, rather than Chip seemingly forgetting about him until they 'met' again. Austin hating Chip through his entire life and Chip thinking that Austin ruined his life said a lot about their lives and how much you developed them. You thought it through real well.
Glad you liked it, Curse. You should check out some of the other entries in this little excercise. We only had a week to write them, and they all turned out so different. It was pretty cool.
I would recommend you try "Requiem". Good, creepy stuff. That was my personal favorite of the lot...even more than mine!
I finally have enough time to read all the screenwriting exercise shorts, and I decided to start with yours. Regarding the description, it was great. Usually I have to fill in details with my mind but not here. Also in this script the flashback sequences were written very well. Good job.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
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