Hey Mark.  Good to see you around.  The board misses you when you go into hiding.

Quoted from Mark First off, Brett brought up the prolonged rescue locker scene.  How does that scene move the story along?  It seems like it's just a transition-filler.

What bothers me is that the "rescue" scene is supposed to be the key pay-off to the whole young Chip/Austin story line.  He shoves him in the locker...and what next?

It is supposed to be traumatic and horrible -- but the message I am getting is that it is mostly drawn-out haha.  I suppose I just need to let the story ferment again with those comments in mind.  

Quoted from Mark But I don't like how Chip is going to have to do the inevitable prison time afterwards.  And, while we're on the topic of charges, why isn't Mira in jail?

The easy answer for Chip is that he doesn't really care.  He lives in an empty sort of space where consequences are not an issue anymore.

The issue with Mira is a bit larger, of course.  The short (honest) answer is that it just needed to be that way for the story I wanted to tell.

I am no expert in legal processes, so I have no idea how realistic or unrealistic the scenario might be -- and I guess I am just hoping that most readers are equally ignorant.  If the hardened criminals who read this frown at those fine details, for now it is just a price I am willing to pay.

Quoted from Mark Remember when we talked before and we both liked how Microsoft Word allowed us some of the freedom that screenwriting software didn't allow?  The times have changed.  Microsoft is way off now.

I do recall that conversation -- and I still kind of feel the same way -- but to be honest I have not tried any of that new stuff so it is quite possible that I have no idea what I am talking about.  Wouldn't be the first time.  I tend to be a Luddite who is always amongst the last to move on to whatever is next.

I will remain a tough-sell, but I will also try to go in with an open mind.  One day soon.  Thanks for the nudge in that direction.  I suspect you are right that it probably is time.

Thanks for your thoughts and the kind words.  It is always entertaining to read notes from you, and I am always left with something to think about.

the segue from the first flashback to the present day, the way you worked it into the scene - that's some real awesome storying, it really made me sit up and take notice.

...also the dialogue in the van - sounded totally natural, intro'd Chip's dilemma, and consistent with the themes as well. i thought this was really impressive.

... only a couple of queries: present day chip's character. he seems to have been traumatised by what happened more than i expected... austin is a bully, will always be looking for someone else to blame and so ends up a loser naturally, but chip's the kid who fought back.

... and the ending was pleasant, but not quite as strong as i'd have hoped for. it feels like mira mentions a boat because you already had the final image in mind, and when she talks about the money problems and chip has an idea - i thought it was going to solve the money problems.

..but they're minor gripes. the narrative voice makes for an enjoyable read on its own, and the visuals are great - the cigarette burn in the picture is spot on for eg. most importantly, the characters and their relationships felt genuine - especially the spark between chip and mira. the best sort of twist - we can't see it coming, but when it does it seems 'right'.

w00t... as they say.