SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 21st, 2019, 2:07am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Bethink Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Bethink  (currently 1532 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2005, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13430
Posts Per Day
1.95
Bethink by Mike Carlone (Marshallamps12) - Short, Drama - Paul Brody, the owner of the local funeral home has just found out that the newest body his workers are preparing, is of his old high school bully.   -   Dogglebe One Week Screenwriting Exercise Submission - html, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 21st, 2005, 10:33pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Oney.Mendoza
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 12:39am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Bay Area, CA
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
Mike(fellow Deftones fan, LOL),

      I really liked the mystery you created behind Bruce's death and thought the whole short went quick and it was very enjoyable. But, I do think you should've "shown" us the torment that Paul experienced. Otherwise...great!

-ONEY



Revision History (1 edits)
Oney.Mendoza  -  July 22nd, 2005, 10:18am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
Martin
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 7:22am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
739
Posts Per Day
0.14
POSSIBLE SPOILERS


I like the direction you took this one and I thought you excecuted it  pretty well. There are a couple of typos where you use hear instead of here and than instead of then. Otherwise the script flows very well, it's nice and tight and the dialogue is good. You handle the exposition well, revealing that the two guys are now friends- it all seems like natural conversation which is good. One thing that bugged me was when the two wives are talking about his death, it just seems very nonchalant, like "oh well at least we know he's dead now, don't need to worry about that anymore". This conversation made it sound like they didn't care.

I liked the ending. I knew what Paul was going to do and I was about to question his motives but then you threw in the thing with his wif and that made it work for me. Overall, a good script, I enjoyed it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
bert
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 7:57am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4517
Posts Per Day
0.85
Well, Mike.  Oney may have spoiled HIS story, but at least he didn't spoil yours, eh?

[Note:  Oney fixed his post]

SPOILERS

*  It's a little talky at some points, particularly between Paul and Jimmy.  However, there is one point in the dialogue -- a single line -- that just goes CLANG!! and turns the whole story on it's ear.  I love it when that happens.  I am sure you know which line I mean...
*  Once we know the guys name is Paul Brody, it isn't necessary to call him "Paul Brody" throughout the entire story.  "Paul" is enough (unless you have a bunch of characters named Paul, I suppose).
*  A minor point, but something to consider -- if a dead body has been in the water for an entire month, the decomposition would be terrific.  If you tried to pick the body up, any remaining flesh would slide right off.  Cool, sure, but a small problem in this story.

Nice work, Mr. Amp.  I was waiting to read something from you.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  July 22nd, 2005, 10:33am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
drink coffee
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
NY
Posts
167
Posts Per Day
0.03
I apologize for any spelling mistakes and I'm glad you guys liked it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
George Willson
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.73
I like the story. Definitely. And it worked really well in reverse.

I think it's odd that although Paul Brody owns the home, he asks if he has to sign anything. In fact this first scene with Paul makes no sense in conjunction with the rest of the story. He puts forth to his workers that he doesn't know Bruce or anything, and yet one day earlier, they are with the police and Bruce's wife. There was no reason to lie to his workers. It feels like the script was written in the order it was told and you improved on the story as you went along until you hit upon the awesome idea you ended with. I know we had to write it quick, but a quick proofreading before submission would have revealed this.

Other than that, well done.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
drink coffee
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
NY
Posts
167
Posts Per Day
0.03
The reason that all he said to his workers was that Bruce was just a bully is because deep down inside that IS all he ever thought of him as. With the limitations of the script length and because I wrote it quickly, I probably didn't explain it enough and although it is subtle, I think you can see the reasoning for him to say that. Also, the reason he acts surprised when he finds out his workers will be handling Bruce's body is because he wouldn't expect the wife to use his funeral home as for Paul to see his friend (or so she thought Bruce was to him) dead on a table for a couple days would probably be very disturbing to him. He was thinking: Why wouldn't she just use a different funeral home? I didn't really put as much information into the script as I wanted, but that was what I was trying to say with the script. Sorry if it wasn't that clear.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
Andy Petrou
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 6:51am Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
714
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hey Mike,


POSSIBLE SPOILERS ->


Well, this was certainly entertaining! I love the way you approached this! Aside from the typos etc, I think this was well written. I did enjoy the twist, I won't spoil it for others, but seriously, this part was ingenious. I loved the fact that Bruce had to squirm there. However, the 'punch' seemed a bit forced and obsurd by Bruce to suggest that as a means to make peace! I don't know, maybe guys are differnt to girls there..

Overall, really well done! It wasn't predictable and it flowed well. I share Martin's views on the wives chatting as being very non-chalant. As George said, this script got stronger and stronger as it went on. I think the beginning could benefit from a re-write to tighten it all up a bit more.

Good stuff hon x
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
Pete B. Lane
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
322
Posts Per Day
0.06
I thought the reverse storytelling was a unique angle and the format was spot on. Unfortunately, I didn't didn't really care for the dialogue (it was very 'on the nose') and I predicted the outcome early on. A good effort nonetheless.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
Pete B. Lane
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
322
Posts Per Day
0.06

Quoted from Andy Petrou
However, the 'punch' seemed a bit forced and obsurd by Bruce to suggest that as a means to make peace! I don't know, maybe guys are differnt to girls there...


Yes, you're right, we do differ there. That was a part that rang true with me, many guys are like that. Absurd? Yes. But men are absurd sometimes.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006