Saturday Morning by Alex - Short, Thriller - A hitman walks into a closed Bar at night and starts a conversation with the bartender.  - doc, format

nice conversation. Interesting, for something onlyy like three pages. The conversation was very natursal, not that i's know.

For what it is, it's pretty good.  It's a situational thing that plays itself out.  By the end I was kind of wondering what the point was to this, but overall it's acceptable.  The dialogue could use some work.  Some of it was hard to believe and some of it was waaay too long.  

Keep it up though.

This story is very short, and some of the dialogue is very long -- too long -- with clunky exposition.  But I was engaged in the story and continued to read, as it did maintain my interest, so you must have done something right, too.

I was very interested to see where this story might lead.

But in the end, I have to say I was disappointed.  This story really needs a payoff.  I can't help feeling that the characters and scenario you have created here deserve something better.

It ends with exactly what I felt... "WHAT A WASTE OF FUCKIN' TIME"

The dialogue started out kinda good... then it went south... way way way south. The characters were very paper thin. I didn't like how the exchange in age was such a huge point. I don't think 5 grand for 5 people is average wage for knocking someone off, either. I'm no "HITMAN" though so this might be wrong...

All in all... it went no where and fast. You need to work on this one. Flesh it out. Make it better or longer or give it a point. I think you might know what it's supposed to mean, but the majority of folks who read it are gonna be scratching their heads at the plot and point of it.

I, myself, don't fully get it... and I've seen it all about.

Just my 2 cents

Oh and 1 more thing... Was it 1 in the morning FRIDAY NIGHT or 1 in the morning SATRDAY NIGHT?

Cause either one would be wrong... One would be Saturday and one would be sunday, so  I think I just answered my own question... nevermind.

Yeah. I wrote this script as ONE SCENE. I just wanted to write something quick and short to PRACTICE FILMING. This scene is just something easy to film so i can experiment with.

The dialogue was unnatural to me. It seemed forced, from the characters. the ending didnt do anything for me.  A short script needs a surprise ending, or very great story, and to me the script lacks both. And if your gonna experiment with making any movie, whether feature film or short, you need to go through the time consuming process. If not than just grab a camera and shoot you and your friends doing stupid stuff.

The dialogue seemed extremely forced and artificial.  And the role of the hitman (the fact that I can't remember his name says a lot) was completely unrealistic.  If word got out he was bragging, his boss would put a contract out on him.

At the risk of patting myself on the back, you should read 'For Entertainment Purposes Only,' a screenplay of mine in the shorts section.  It, too, deals with a hitman.  IMHO, it's done in a more realistic, however, quirky, fashion.


Phil

I like this story.

You shouldn't praise your own script, Alex.  It turns people off from reading your work.


Phil

I hope you're not serious. I find nothing wrong in praising one's own work.

Well, if you take up a post in your script's thread about how you like your story, frankly, we don't care and others probably won't either.  Sorry.