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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Happyness Road Moderators: bert
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  Author    Happyness Road  (currently 1744 views)
Don
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Happyness Road by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Drama, Adventure - The life is an unexplored road that everyone has to drive and to decide between luck and badluck. - pdf, format


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jerdol
Posted: September 16th, 2005, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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I can't get past the first few pages.  There are a huge number of typos (in one place the word "bitted" is used), and the technical part of the writing needs work.  For instance, I think it would be best to write "INT. BAR" instead of "INT. BAR IN A LITTLE CITY IN THE WEST", the end being redundant due to the opening scene heading.

A suggestion:  Don't direct; you don't need to say that the car blowing up is seen from the man's POV.  Everyone watching the movie knows he sees it, and if the director wants to show it specifically he will.
Furthermore, things like the man's introduction to Mike being O.S should be the director's decision.  When you're just writing it, it's best to show the whole scene and only use O.S when it's important that the viewer not see the speaker (such as with Bill in KB1).


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Helio
Posted: September 16th, 2005, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Yeah, Jerdol, I'll rewrite it as soon as possible and thanks, man!
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