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Manipulating Life by Joseph Cahill - Short, Drama - Professor Sproul attempts to rid the world of his greatest creation. 20 pages - pdf, format
Don's note: Manipulating Life was filmed a few months ago. The director submitted a five minute clip of it to "On The Lot", a new television show for directors. You can view the clip here: http://films.thelot.com/films/24620 Please take the time to have a look and support a fellow writer.
I read this script. I found it very interesting, and the creativity- more than anything else in the concept itself- I found to be very rich. The idea of having the character of William, representing the innocence distant from all these complex and mathematical, so to speak, occurences, I found added a lot of flavor to the script. The plot, the concept, of the script was original and very good. The diologue fitted very well, and the mannerisms of the characters made sense and added realism. The script is very good, too, at building up to a climax, and then a sort of calm followed, due to the excellent character of William, and gave a satisfying ending.
However, as in each one of my reviews, I will give a few points I think would improve this script even more. Please take these as suggestions and advice alone, and not at all a destructive criticism of your script.
1)The canister's contents. In many movies, there is an element I believe is usually misused, which is that of hiding from the audience a major detail, regarding the content of some object. For example, we never know what is in the suitcase in the movie "pulp fiction". In this case, I believe this idea would actually be fitting. If we never know what is in the canister, it makes the conflict more universal, more general. It also creates a kind of mystique, suspense, and a kind of fear from the canister. It also does not involve what is, in fact, a rather dismissable detail; what is in the canister matters little.. The power of the canister, the conflict surrounding it and the danger within is the important. So I would suggest not revealing what is actually in the canister. Merely show the conflict around it, and refer to it as the Professor's creation.
2)Professor's attitude. I found that this professor's attitude fitted more an average person than one of someone who has invented an apocolyptic chemical and has just taken a sample of a material which could destroy the world as we know it. I think he should be slightly less brutal, definitely more nervous, and perhaps- if you wish to introduce more horror into the character- a little madness. If you have him laugh a little at one of his colleagues statements, a kind of eerie laugh- not a maniacal cackle, more of a full-toothed chuckle- it would add great horror into the character and give the audience a message that they do not want this canister in his hands, that he is unpredictable and dangerous. Also, as a sidenote, I think curse words do not fit this character. This is more an issue of personal taste, but I think you wish to show an image of a genius, and that doesn't help.
3)Showing instead of telling. A final, technical note. It is usually a good idea to allow the reader to understand certain things by showing the image rather than saying it outright. For example, your line:"Silence. The three men contemplate the next move.". If you had written just "silence" and perhaps "Yuri scratches his chin" or a similar mannerism, you allow the reader to see the image and understand for himself that they are contemplating their next move. This recurs throughout some of the script. It is a minor note, but everything I can do to help I offer.
All in all, it was a good script and my suggestions are quite minor. Good luck.
Magius, Thanks for the read and the insightful and thourough review. I appreciate it. A couple of things, do you really think "hiding" the contents would create more suspense? A better read? Some my think that would be a bit...I don't know...rehashed. Immediately people would compare it with Pulp Fiction. I wanted to create an original doomsday piece, If you will. I'll consider it definitely. On the other points, I think you are right. The Professor's actions seem a little displaced from what is going on. I'll have to rethink his character a bit. I am going to cut and rewrite the cussing bit by him as well. I thought I might be able to slide that line in and create a sense of 'madness' perhaps. Last, thanks for pointing out about the action descriptions...I think using your recommendatin in those places will make the script tighter. I have a horrible habit of writing like that on occasion and is one of those things I'm working on trying not to do. Again, the review is much appreciated. Thanks.
J
BTW, does anyone else have any thoughts on hiding the contents of the briefcase?
I thought I'd let everyone know that Manipulating Life was found via this website and(thanks to Don!) filmed a few months ago. The director submitted a five minute clip of it to "On The Lot", a new television show for directors(in the vein of American Idol...hold your vomit). Anyways, the entire thing is still in post but am very excited about it. Enjoy!
First, thanks for all you do. Without this website (and your intervention, literally!) I wouldn't be writing screenplays today. I surely wouldn't have a produced film! Kudos to your selflessness.
This film and clip has gotten some careful looks. We'll see if Aaron makes it on the show.
Folks, please take the time to check out Manipulating Life clip (five minutes of the short on "On The Lot" at: http://films.thelot.com/films/24620 . Please help support your fellow writers.
btw, yesterday it had 130 views, today it has 255 views. Much appreciate simplyscripts visitors for helping to support one of their own.
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Manipulating Life - produced - watch a clip
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