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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mums in the zoo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mums in the zoo by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - After this we all have to think about what kind of place is a zoo. - pdf, format


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jerdol
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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With only one page of length (other than the title page), there's not much to review.  Also, the script is very simple, with no dialogue to critique.  So all that's really left is the idea:

***SPOILERS***                                       ***SPOILERS***

It's not original.  One of the most common anti-Zoo arguments is "How would you feel if you were behind the bars and not the monkeys?".  Turning it into a one-page script doesn't really add on the one-sentence argument.

If you want to say something stronger with this script, you need to put a little more effort into it.


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Helio
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Thanks Jerdol for your mommet.

Actually, this was some type of experience - to write in a single page (have lots of 1 minute contests around there asking for this type of script).

Of course I know it is not a original but it was worth traying anyway.
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-Ben-
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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This seems to work better as an RSPCA advertisment to me..sorry.


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Helio
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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No problem, Bigwhoop. Maybe I'll donate it to them if they want of course and thanks for the regard!
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dogglebe
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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It was nicely written for what it was.  It works better as a sample of your story-telling techniques, rather than a story.


Phil
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Helio
Posted: November 6th, 2005, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Wow! Thanks Dogglebe! You know, I've difficult to write in English. It is one of my great weaknesses. Sometime, I hesitated to send more script to this board because I 'm not sure about my English writing. Anyway, your comment makes me feel good and encouraged!
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Heretic
Posted: November 7th, 2005, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I think this could work well as a one-minute short for some of those contests (I enter one every year).  Not an original idea but you wrote it nicely...

I say, send in all the scripts you can..don't worry about your English!
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Balt
Posted: November 7th, 2005, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Rod Serling did this on a twilight zone he wrote... long... long... long ago. It was about kids who got to go to a zoo and pick the parents they wanted.
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Helio
Posted: November 8th, 2005, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Rod Serling?!!! Gosh! Well I'm just a "wanna be" that's all. Thanks anyway.
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