For a stand-alone script, I think this is okay. But for this OWC, it didn't really meet the requirements. First, it's not set in an abandoned, rundown house. Second, it's only 5 pages long.

Anyway, the Hoodie figure is interesting, but need more background about him as to why he needs to terrorize the couple. Speaking of which, the couple feels very generic and I didn't care much about them. The first page conversation between them did nothing for me. More characterizations is needed for our protagonists.

The idea is interesting though. The Hoodie figure gives me the creeps.

Good effort.


Herman

Welp, not gonna beat this one up too much more. Tis not and abandoned house. You need to build this slower for horror to work. Maybe have them see him at different windows for a bit before he gets in. Maybe cuts the power. The phone lines.

Build tension. That's what makes horor work IMO. Make them helpless. If you're gona make Hoodie supernatural, I need a backstory for that and a motive. That's just me though.

Good job completing and OWC... In record time.

James

This was a quick read and it seemed like you wrote it without really "caring" to put it lightly. It's an incomplete story (as stated before) and it would have really helped if it were fleshed out to 9 or 10 pages.

The hoodie aspect was interesting, but again, not enough material for me to grasp at here.

Didn't care for the characters as they did nothing, all they did was run to lock some doors.

I would read this again if it were longer and had more meat to it.

Hello christopher,

SPOILERS

Like many people there needs to be a buildup and some believability. For instance, how did the hoodie get in the house so fast? Maybe expand this script in the rewrite stage. Other than, the story's cliche, not much character development, and a very quick read.  

Hope this helps
Gabe

It's a simple story - there's a hoodie who wants to kill Tom and Jenny. And most probably for fun! It's a bit random for me - I don't know why the hoodie wants that.

I wish there was more to Tom's wheelchair, if you had Tom with no disability it would still be the same story... Also there's no indication of an abandoned house (or am I missing something?) and why it's all happening on Halloween night.

A simple story and for what it is it's probably good, but I wish there was more to it.

Hello Chris,

This script is not for me.  Didn't like it.  Very cliché.  With the mirror, look, oh he's gone.

When Jenny says, "What kind of moron would be put (stuck) in this weather?  I'm guessing it should be stuck or caught.

I also didn't like the wording 'with considerable difficulty'.  As my brother is in a wheelchair and from first hand experience.  It's second nature to climb from a wheelchair to another chair at the same level or a car seat.  It's not fraught with the difficulties you imagine.  Maybe in the early days, or lying on the ground or something.

All the best with any potential rewrites,

Javier

1 - Story: Not very interesting. Characters are cartoonish, brief as they are featured.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. Cheap and effective!
3 - Horror & Audience: The single usage of the word "f#cking" makes it an auto MPAA R rating. Replace it. As is, although Tom & Jenny may feel terrorized this is not terror so much as it's simple semi-supernatural thriller/drama, for which there's a decent audience for, if done right. And the house is clearly occupied, not abandoned. No date reference.
4 - Technicals & Format: Loaded with errors of all kinds. Turn off your program's auto (CONTINUED) feature. Quit underlining.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is fine. Logline has misspelling and isn't enticing.
General Comments:
A - It's not even a full sequence, and certainly not a short. This is only half of a sequence.
B - This looks like a first of a few works, ever. (Been bloodied and roasted on that myself.  You have my sincerest sympathies.)
C - As you write, pretend to be an arguing bastard.
Example: TOM: Can you get it? I’m a bit... He gestures at his wheelchair.
Arguing bastard: "D@mn, Jen. Don't you know Tom's not too mobile? Why does he have even state the obvious, let alone point at it?"

Chris,

Sorry, but I have to agree with everyone, this is something of a muddled up mess of randomness.  Too much happens too quickly for no reason.  There is no story, no suspense, no motivation for any of the characters' actions and you don't give us enough reason to care what happens to Jenny and Tom.  You had 5 more pages that you could have used, devoting 1-2 for character development/background and 2-3 on building suspense with the Hoodie, rather than just seeing him once at the door and then poof his in the mirror.

I'm assuming that Tom works for a newspaper based on his early dialogue about how Michael says his "articles aren't 'verbose' enough."  This is a poor choice of words.  Verbose means overly wordy, excessive.  Newspaper articles need to be concise and to the point, dishing out a bunch of information in a small amount of space.  You're dialogue is suggesting that his editor wants him to basically be "MORE excessive" which makes no sense.  This is the first of many actions/lines that doesn't make sense and needs to be changed for your story to start to work.

Jenny walks to the door and looks out the letterbox...  I've never heard it called letterbox, but I'm assuming this is the mail slot?  If so, why is that her course of action?  When someone knocks on your door, if you're going to look before opening, you'd look through the peephole.  Now, maybe if she were to look through the peephole first and not see anyone, then perhaps she'd change her vantage point.

After a knock at the door, Jenny sees a man/kid in a hoodie standing on her porch...  Why does she automatically conclude that he's trying to "break in?"  I guess you're trying to suggest that she's paranoid, and that this is not the first time she's acted this way in front of Tom, which is why he immediately dismisses it.  But if that's the case, why all of a sudden, when she tells him that the person outside is wearing a hoodie (which is nothing more than a sweatshirt with a hood) does he hop on the "it must be a burglar, let's check all the locks" bandwagon?  When I first read that line, I thought he was being sarcastic, but then he sprung into action locking doors with her and I found out that I was sadly mistaken.

Why is Jenny fumbling for the lights in her own living room?  She should know where the switch is located.  How far apart are the dining room, living room and front hall that two of them are lit and the third is pitch black, with seemingly no light seeping in from the other two?  It's not like you can draw a blue print or anything on your screenplay, but you should draw one in your head to help you keep track of the spacial relations of your rooms.  Know the layout of your location, especially when you're writing something that takes place in a single location where the action is moving from room to room.  Perhaps if she were going into a bedroom to check the windows you could avoid the light issue.  It would also be more common to find a mirror like the one you're probably describing in a bedroom rather than a living room.

Why does Jenny not know she's been stabbed?  I guess your argument would be shock, but it's still quite a stretch.  Why is Tom so adamant about it being in her imagination when she's clearly freaked out by something?  He should be trying to comfort her, not prove her wrong.  Why could Jenny only see the Hoodie in the mirror in the one scene, yet she sees him outside and then behind Tom without the use of a reflective device?  Why does the Hoodie bother knocking on the door if he can just "appear" inside?  What does he want with this couple anyway?

It seems like you just combined bits and pieces of a few different horror/suspense films in a very odd way...  The Strangers (random, faceless attacker), The Sixth Sense (not realizing he/she was shot/stabbed), every horror movie EVER (the mirror bit & the light switch) and maybe even Shaun of the Dead (looking through the mail slot).

I'd like to see what this could be if you added depth to Jenny and Tom and gave the Hoodie some motivation.  Congrats on completing the challenge.

-Brian K. Millard

One use of the F word does not automatically garner an R rating. PG-13 films can use it once or twice.

That is true.  Eagle Eye had 2 F bombs in it, surprisingly.

Definitely has a creepy element going for it, but like most of the others have stated before, this feels rushed, could have used the extra time and space to polish it up. Others have already mentioned how a couple is living in an abandoned house, and how they immediately assume the hoodie is a burglar. This one could really benefit from more backstory and expansion. Give it a go.

An easy read. But I think you should have spent more time on it.  I didn't really feel anything for the characters. But I think you had an interesting idea of Jenny wanting some romance and Tom not getting it.

Ditto what most have said, could have spent a little more time and effort on the story could have achieved more.

Not too sure what the hoodie is trying to be, human? supernatural?
I did like jenny being completley oblivious to the fact she had been stabbed, a good portrayal of someone in shock.

Congrats on the attempt though!  

OK, I'm sorry, but I just have to ask...is this "hoodie" literally just a floating sweatshirt with a hood on it?  Every time I see the word "hoodie", I start cracking up.

This is a pretty basic story, I think. There are just too many people with hoodies.