A Man Dies by Anonymous - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - A technophobe confronts his fear of the privately owned "UtiliCabs" that have become a staple of urban transportation.   - pdf, format

The title is great. Nicely subdued.

I'm not sure exactly how low budget this is, if we were to try and create the world suggested, but maybe it's possible.

Nice tone and atmosphere. Writing is mainly good, though the author suffers from trying too hard to impress at times.

The soul of the piece was there...a man trying to preserve his soul/humanity in a sanitised world, and the script's heart was in the right place. I enjoyed the read.

It's the first I've read so far that really tried to tell a complete story, rather than just a scene.

I don't think it quite reached it's goal, but not for the want of trying. I think I just have a feeling that the ending, a man desperately trying to keep some legacy, some knowledge of himself alive somehow didn't feel like it came organically from the bulk of the story. I think we'd need to see more about him, more about his writing, his thoughts, his solitude in a world he doesn't belong and is becoming ever more sanitised for us to really appreciate what he's doing at the end.


As it is it's still good, I still felt something, but it felt a little overblown.

Impressive effort for a week, though. Ambitious.

Not for me, and a heavy read, but I quite like the idea of a cab doing the dirty work of the government down the line.

Nice idea, but needs some work, for me

Pass

Great idea but it feels a little over-written, almost straying into straight prose at times.

Having said that I did find it engaging and an unexpected Orwellian treat.

Good effort

Sorry, not for me.
As I read,  my thoughts drifted to other things, so I put it down.
Cindy

The overwriting is distracting, some of it's on target but some of the verbosity is over the top i.e., the word 'insatiable' in that context. Scale it back you have a solid story and I liked the world you chose for the setting. Met the challenge and great potential. Get rid of extraneous stuff like the girls with the ball, and delete the intro and just have him in the street and then in the cab, is my advice.

Lots to work with here and love the future world you created but a bit too meandering.

Seems like an interesting concept but the writing is so overblown, it's way too much of a hassle to get any further than Page 2.

You seriously need to simplify your writing and descriptions and cut way down on your use of adjectives.  Just seems like you're trying to impress with your knowledge and use of the English language, but the result is the opposite and I can't see many enjoying the read.

No grade.

Writer,

I thought the writing was very good. Yes, it is overwritten, but impressively so. If you had cut down on the descriptions you could've easily saved a half page or so. However, I feel this may have been written this way because, while you have a decent story, it's one dimensional. Meaning, Emmet dies and says he has a manuscript to a work that's "all me" or something to that effect. I think if you'd taken it a step further, where this manuscript could have been important, world saving documents then we might have been able to pull for your protagonist . As is, I didn't feel much for him. Kinda meh. If he got out he was gonna infect the world with plague. But, maybe if he had a real good reason to leave the cab... You get what I'm saying.

Overall, I thought this was pretty good, just can use some toning down and some touching up. Nice job!

Steve

'Past the implacable deadness of her monochromatic visor'

You obviously know you're a good writer but this is ridiculous. It's at the point were i'm lost in the story because of the over writing in nearly all of your descriptions.

Sorry but this needs to be toned down a lot and I stopped short... I'm sure there's probably a good story in there

It is quite well written but I found the writing pompous which made it a hard read. It’s the first script where I started skipping.

Not sure it meets the criteria as far as being low budget.

Didn’t grab me in any way.

I can tell already this one isn’t my speed.  The writing feels too smart for its own good… but I could admittedly just be a moron.  I’ll never rule that out.  It just reeks of “look how smart I am” try hard style writing I don’t personally enjoy in a screenplay.  

It’s just preference.  I don’t want to watch something where a character talks like this:

Retreated to the heart of public
infrastructure and left its
extremities to the numbing cold of
private enterprise.

Saying that type of wording is “pretentious” isn’t a fair thing to say, but I honestly think “ick” multiple times while reading this type of writing.  I’m the asshole here, let that be clear.

This reads like sci-fi that I’m sure the majority will like.  … I’m just not a big fan of the genre.

Again, I’m a dummy, I will say that 9 times in this “review,” but I just don’t enjoy this prose style.  I have no doubt the writing is well done, and I’m sure a lot of people will praise you for it, but I just want to read the story without stopping every 2 lines to think “man, lighten up a little.” “Oh come on, did you have to use THAT word?”  No one is going to accuse you of being a poor writer if you take a line or 2 off.  I know this reads “beautifully” to many people… just not this guy.  I won’t comment on that anymore, b/c I’m sure I’m already making a fool out of myself.  

The story was interesting, I won’t deny it, I just felt like I had to push through a bunch of other stuff to get to the nitty gritty.  This will do well, I’m just not the target audience for this type of script.

Really nice idea, but the writing is so thick it's hard to cut through. It might just be me being a simpleton, but I found it hard to concentrate after a few pages.

Anyway, it's original in concept, but just a bit of a tough read

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but, man, is this over-written.  It was a task to read it all.  It felt like 30 pages.  

And I really didn't get it.  So, he's trapped in the cab till he dies?  No food, no water, nada?  That seems harsh.  And how could the taxi have known he's a

SPOILER

carrier for that disease?  I was confused and all the overwriting was hard to get past.

Still, he was trapped, and that was part of the task.  However, it seemed high budget to create this world.

5/10

Dan

I thought the writing was good overall, but it's a lot to pack in a ten pager. I kind of feel that it went over a few pages but you had to slice n dice to squeeze as uch as you can in ten. It feels like a slightly bigger story. As it is, there's a lot of info here to take and soak in. Will soe have the patience for it?

Carefully written, with a heartfelt message: "I am...important." A bit flowery sometimes, e.g. "He gathers the ensuing silence in for a yell." With the theme, this reads to me as a novelist doing a screenplay. A short story, more than a short film.

Some notes.

A futuristic, dystopian world that doesn't need all the description you gave it.  That's me.  I find in Screenwriting less is more.

My problem with this world is that despite its advances, it can't cure this guy?  Or if it can't cure, why would it kill him by dehydration?  A simple red light instead of blue...done.  But that's me and my take on future worlds that are advanced in only one or two areas.  

Best
Richard

This is the third script I've read that has a robot driver killing their passenger. This one also has an author as the victim, as did one of the others.

I tend to agree with the above comments - there was a good idea here, but it was overwritten and very difficult to get through. I found my mind wandering more than once.

Still, what do I know - just read a comment on my script that dismisses it as "bad writing", so how can I comment on someone else's work? You are probably Van Gogh...

Anyway, 3 out of 5 for me - it was a powerful idea and had very strong writing at times, but just tipped over into "too much" too many times for me.

Quoted from SimonM Still, what do I know - just read a comment on my script that dismisses it as "bad writing", so how can I comment on someone else's work? You are probably Van Gogh...

I think you've just given away which script you wrote.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think you've just given away which script you wrote.

So?

Pretentious and overwritten.
I got through the whole thing but it was a struggle.
It's an interesting idea but the writing needs to be cut back.

Quoted from SimonM So?

It's an anonymous challenge.

The weaker writers crumble once the bad reviews start rolling in. A better option is to private message members and beg for sympathetic reviews. It's way less unbecoming... unless you pm me of course, and I grass you up to the whole forum.

Anyway, well done for trying.

Definitely not low budget per the parameters of the challenge. This would cost a fortune. And that is a shame because it is a missed opportunity.  I believe that the writer can take the same premise (quarantine) and make the driver human and deliver something that fits the requirements.

There are some areas of extreme over writing. For example - right out of the gates:

Quoted Text HOWLING WIND whips a cluster of PAMPHLETS along the empty concrete. Hand-printed words flurried into incoherence. The paper cluster BREAKS on a bus stop of sheer, transparent glass. Wind scatters its constituent pieces into the world.

As a note - I'm pretty sure glass takes care of the see through part - don't need transparent. But to me, this is 4 lines that could easily be one or two with no loss in value. There were similar issues throughout.

My first foreign art film on this site. I was almost out at "constituent parts." I really hate to pull out early. But I was done at the bottom of page one.  Maybe a manuscript might work out for this story better.

This is all too much. Two pages for a guy to get from a bus stop and into a taxi. This is screenwriting. I like flowery intros but this is taking the Michael.

A pass.

Yes, you are guilty of committing literature. Sorry be the umpteeth person to say this, but it's best to hear (and accept) it as early as possible. This applies to short stories and novels, too. Be yourself.

The story is interesting. How would a person quarantined until death choose to spend the time? Listen to Paganini? Watch a Chaplin movie? Pray? Emmet chooses to read from his manuscript. This reminds me of that old poem in which a man says to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" and the Universe replies, "Yes, but that does not create in me a sense of obligation." What if Emmet realized this while reading?  I'm just thinking outloud here. For whatever it's worth.

Henry

I actually didn't have a problem with the descriptions. I mean, they are wildly overwritten. Not debating that. But for some reason I still found it to be an easy read. I liked the story and I liked the main character and that was enough to keep me hooked. The part where he insists on getting rid of the artificial silence so he can hear the wind, that was a great character moment. Dialogue was good too.

You know what, screw it, I'm giving you a CONSIDER.  

I'm thinking it's a good idea, a complete script with the beginning, middle and end.

My concern is - for some reason it's a bit far-fetched for me. Hard to buy into.
It maybe the writing that threw me of - you chose to describe a lot. You provide us with unnecessary detail. Sometimes this sort of writing is useful - when you want to establish the pacing perhaps. Somehow in this - it's a distraction. Maybe just me.

That was an eloquently written, atmospheric sci-fi short story. As prose, it is wonderful and I found it an enjoyable read. You have the imagination and writing skill for sure. However, it is totally unproducable as a screenplay and not just because of the budget, which is quite large for this.

I'd suggest cutting the description to the bare bones until all you have is the minimum blueprint to get your story across. Then, to give it your own voice and style, add some lean bits of flair to make your script stand out.

Spec scripts are an invitation to collaborate. If you are too descriptive, not only does this put people off reading it but it doesn't leave any room for input from the director, producer and actors.  

I hope my comments are useful.

-Mark

Yep.  Sorry to say I'm with the others.  Shorter, cleaner, not so flowery and it would be shorter which would allow you to pack your punch even more.  The story's there, just hidden behind the writing.

Love the idea - a taxi/mobile quarantine unit - creepy and ultimately brutal.  Another one where the AI is geared to serve humanity by murdering their fare.  The dialogue between Jer and Emmett served no real purpose other than to tell us the bus was no longer running.  

Perhaps give us more indication that Emmett is sick, is that the reason he’s drinking?  Not sure that comes across.  Could give us a hint that the cab is ‘checking’ Emmett out - a little intrigue to keep us invested and something that clues us in to something not being right.

Emmett seemed to give up too easily and some of Ursula’s dialogue seemed odd - more ‘reasoned’, humanlike than a binary system answer (p.6 ‘It’s you or them’ and p.7 ‘Many works of art… etc’).  But mostly it worked well - still charging him a surcharge for the services despite keeping him there to die, darkly comic.  

Writing wise it’s a little too novelistic for my tastes - and I’m not exactly against adding a little detail here and there myself.  Not enough to tune me out of a short, but I doubt I’d be sticking around to read a feature in this style.  There’s atmosphere but you could stand to dial back the adjectives and still get the idea across.

All in all I think it’s a solid premise, very much one worth coming back to.  Good work.

12pt Courier on title page, no bold or italics, good.

Unnumbered first page, good.

Proper "FADE IN:", good.

Bold slugs.  

I had to reread your opening to understand it. Very nice and descriptive, though.

Second slug should read:

Code INT. BUS STOP - DAY

"Flask" definition for those, like me, who need it.

Also had to Google the word "Sidle."

Code JER Fist U[-]Cab's yours[,] if you want. I'm always five minutes ahead of early.

P2 you might want to rewrite the top line as:

Code He [Jer] makes a beer glass gesture and "taps" it against Emmett's flask. Cheers.

Much more coherent that way.

Emmett or the flask "studies Jer"?

Code He [Jer] pulls the door open. Like a seal is broken -- WIND HOWLS.

"Two riders were approaching, and the WIND began to HOWL."

Code EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Now, that's a proper slug.

You plan to use a wind machine, right? Or real wind?

Personally, I think UCab would read better as U-Cab, or even uCab; I prefer the former, myself.

Establishing a villain by the end of page 2. Awesome.

P3 Ursula. Exotic name.

Whoa. You might need a Tron budget for this.

45 degrees? Clockwise or counter? I'm getting Exorcist vibes.

P4

I/E. should instead be INT/EXT. Lots of rookies make this mistake.

"Until he is asleep." Passive. Maybe, "falls asleep."

Beautiful writing, but it might be too novel-y.

Nice use of a mini slug.

Comma before "quiet as a paragraph."

Had to Google ignoble. In other words, "a rudely abrupt end," right?

P5

No longer on domestic soil. I wonder what that could mean?

No door handle? Scary.

Had to double-check the definition of "impervious."

P6

"It's you or them." Great line! Short, simple, and to the point.

"[...][curls] away into the subdivision."

How old are these girls?

P7

You almost nailed your page break, but it needs a (CONTINUED) at the top of the page. Your program should be able to do this automatically.

Yikes! Ursula has no appreciation for art? Who programmed her?

P8

The only acceptable times of day are DAY, NIGHT, and occasionally DUSK.

P9

Really stretching that budget.

Don't know if the (re: movie) parenthetical is needed. We can tell from his dialogue that he's referring to the movie.

Normally, try to limit time of day to DAY or NIGHT.

How do you plan on filming all this sun, moon, and now dew?

The first orphan I've spotted: "manuscript."

P10

Huh? Is this an time elapse? Might want to specify.

Ambiguous ending.

Beautifully written. One of the top scripts.

Recommend. A+

Too much description, and it took a little too long to get to the interesting part, but when it got there it was very interesting.

I loved the vivid description of the world. But the storyline end up nowhere. I mean I expected a more satisfying conclusion to his story. You are undeniably talented, but the story is missing something. At first, I thought the whole quarantine thing is just a nightmare. Then I thought that it was just an excuse to kill him, because he was going to reveal something about that corporation. And I kept trying to find meaning in all of it, but as it ended, I couldn't find any. Maybe what you were going for was too subtle and I missed it.

Well done.

Hey all,

A big thanks for all the comments!

It's true -- I've been writing far too much prose and far too few scripts lately. Overwritten. Guilty.

I've also been hit for the excessive vocabulary before. Fair. Noted.

Ready to tell a clearer story next time

I liked this one.  The concept made more of an impression than the characters and a little more background to this dystopia wouldn't hurt.  Overall the idea of these self-drive cabs serving as mobile quarantine/execution chambers to a plague ridden population is an interesting one.  Be happy to give it a read if ever you take it further.