I loved this one! I smiled almost the whole way through.

The references to Balt and Frostbite was especially funny. "Did he show it to her?" LOL

I thought the dialogue was great although I think Tommy (LOL) and Jackson spoke a little too much alike. A couple of instances where their dialogue right after each other ended with "You know" for example. I know sometimes friends speak very much the same. but... I do think you need to add some visuals to this. It's mostly dialogue driven. The thing about falling down into the sand but keeping the drink safe was a great way of adding that to the dialogue. It was funny and worked. You need to do a little more of that just to break up the talkie stuff.

The lyrics were fine to me. Not great, but sufficient.

I loved the ending!

My only suggestion would be to make Angel less perfect. Tommy seems to have it all already. Why not make him a nicer guy by having his girlfriend have some sort of physical flaw.

Great work.

The time thing hurts a bit. 53 seconds and 16 seconds. Tommy should be doing something for a page, either that, or ditch the 53 and 16 seconds and start the scene with Tommy singing. Nothing worse than listening to music for a minute with nothing else going on. That’s 25 to 33% of a complete song.

Guzzle and swig.

Middle of the road guy talk. So not blowing my dress up.

Funny on page 10, though… re: Frostbite.

This is one of the weaker entries, IMO.  For a twelve page script, virtually nothing happens.  There's no story whatsoever.  Just two guys talking about stuff that happened, rather than letting the story unfold for the reader.  This script has got to be the new F-bomb king.  Not that I mind.  A couple of lines were decent.  But after about three pages, the charm wears off quick.  The story just bogs down and goes nowhere.  

The song was incorporated into the story, so there is that.  But, I didn't care enough about Tommy or Angel so the romance  just wasn't there.

Overall, this script just felt like an unfunny injoke.  Sorry.

formatted flawlessly (save pg.  8...I'd walk (a)way either)...other than that two unsympathetic characters...should appeal to the "playboy under the mattress" crowd...not me...pass

"Any good? It's f-ing great! It's the best damn script I've ever read. It's flawless. It will completely redefine the way scripts are written and judged. It gave me goose bumps." Unfortunately, it wasn't this script.

My favorite episode of Spongebob is Sailor Talk, where Spongebob and Patrick find a swear word scrawled on the Krusty Krab dumpster, "the voice of the people." They proceed to sprinkle these "sentence enhancers" in every situation and comic hilarity ensues.

In this case, the excessive amounts of F's and MF's result in little more than vocal static and gets a bit distracting, so that when a curse word is appropriate "I never dreamed you'd cheat on me...with a f'ing stripper?", it loses any impact.

Had some funny moments, mainly due to the over the topness of the actual script mechanics, rather than the characters, situations or dialogue. (The viewer would never see the description of INSANELY CHESTED GIRL #1, although the fact that an insanely chested girl was boobin- er, bobbing, up on the screen, they really would'nt care.)

This was more of an anti-romance. There was far too much talk and not enough action. I thought the profanity was out of place. Too many names were mentioned. First Angel tells Baltis tells Crystal tells Jessica tells Jackson, then Angel tells Jessica tells Crystal tells... Do we have to know all this if it's not important? It distracts our attention from the story. Another distracting element was Baltis's script. I think the writer should have said, "And now we pause for a commercial break," because that's what it was. Basically, there was no romance and very little comedy. The lyrics were appropriate and well integrated into the script but I couldn't make them fit the music. My personal reaction was, I didn't like the characters, I didn't like the story, and I didn't like the script.

I suspect this was more an exercise in writing macho dialog than a serious competition entry.

Knowing who wrote this, I'm not surprised at the length of Tommy and Jackson's banter. It was funny at first but because it kept going and going it evetually got stale. It was needed for exposition, yes, but it could be trimmed a bit to make room for a little more crisis. This is actually a very common problem with the OWC scripts - spending too much time on act one.

Overall, I though it had its moments - there were some funny one-liners here plus the whole Frostbite thing, which I though was hilarious - but it lacked crisis. Angel seems overly-forgiving, I mean, she had just caught Tommy banging another broad and she asks him if he wants her to stay? Come on, brother.

The end would have been good - if it wasn't so predictable, I mean, you telegraphed it on page 6/7. Don't get me wrong, it was the right ending but you could just see it coming a mile away.

Cheers
Rob

This was decent. Unlike a few of the other scripts, it was very consistent. Humorous all the way through. Not my particular kinda humor. I love the dirty stuff but this just felt a little too standard for my tastes. Not bad though and like I said, consistent. The humor never felt forced and usually came from the characters themselves. The Frostbite stuff sorta went over my head. I get the buzz surrounding it on the boards but it just never seemed like a big deal to me. The script #747 from a couple years back had a much more epic buzz going on (most of the veterans know what I'm talking about). Anyway, comedy's not the issue. Neither is romance. The song is cheesy but feels heartfelt enough. I don't understand why this guy's so weepy though. He mentions not fucking around on Angel in the middle of the script so it doesn't seem like they've broken up for good. Just going through a rough patch. Maybe it's a little distraught but he still seems to be blowing this thing out of proportion. Still, weepy, brokenhearted and writing love songs = romantic, at least going by the loosest and most generally applied standards. I suppose drama is the issue here. Felt strangely absent. No particularly serious moments in sight. The ending was funny. I think everyone knew what was coming but in a good way. Screwed indeed.

So as far as the challenge goes, 2/3. The song's not bad either and doesn't feel tacked on so more like 3/4. Anyway, not a bad effort. Well written and generally entertaining.

Thanks to all who read this.  It seems like readers either got it and enjoyed it, or didn’t get it, and hated it.  Probably had a lot to do with the dialogue and sexual references that sent some running back to Mommy.

Well, here’s the skinny on how it went down.  As many of you know, I’ve been going through a big move.  I lost my home to a Foreclosure auction on Wednesday, 8/19.  I found this out the following day, and was told I had to vacate the premises by Saturday, 8/22.  They finally agreed to give me until Wednesday afternoon, 8/26.  So, suffice to say, I was seriously scrambling.

I listened to the music when I got home from a reunion party, late Friday night.  I played that snippet many, many times, over the next few days, whenever I got a chance.  I finally figured out a workable “tune” within, and started thinking about lyrics, which I sung in my head and even out loud to those unlucky enough to be within earshot.  I lost my internet connection Wednesday morning the 26th, and didn’t get back up and running until Thursday evening the 27th.

I spent Friday, the 28th, thinking about a possible story that would revolve around my cheesy and simple lyrics.  Started writing Friday late afternoon, right as I started drinking.  Things flowed pretty well, and I was happy with where things were going and how they were looking.  A few hours later, and I was hammered, with about 5 more pages to go.  I finished it up about 2 hours before the deadline and then gave it a few proof reads, and realized I was too wasted to figure out how to submit it!  Unreal.  A few here helped me, and I got it in with about 30 minutes to spare.

Those who said I didn’t take this seriously are completely incorrect.  I did everything in my power to get this entered and gave it my all.  It was a very tough week, and there was an awful lot on my mind.

I am actually very happy with the finished product.  If I was going to do a rewrite, I would take out some dialogue here and there, and add in an action scene of some type, probably in the ocean.  I realize it is too talky and some of the back and forth was obviously rushed.

The song and lyrics came out nicely though.  I know how hard it is to “hear” someone else’s lyrics over the music.  There was only 1 other script that I could even remotely fit the lyrics in on.  I actually love how mine fit and it makes a really cool song, but I know no one got it, or could hear it.  As someone correctly pointed out, the song is played twice, with completely different results.  Tommy sings the song at the beginning, because he’s heartbroken and realizes what an ass he’s been.  Jackson walks in and hears him and begins mocking him about what a wuss he is.  When he sings it again at the end, Angel walks in and hears how emotional and sincere he is.  Too bad old Jackson fucks things up again, by bringing the Insanely Chested Girls over.

Although this was obviously meant to be funny and over the top, it was also meant to be serious and even dramatic in places.  Tommy’s tears are serious, as is his sorrow for what he’s done and what happened because of it.  Some said there isn’t a story here, but there actually is.  It may be a simple story, but it’s there…boy screws stripper, boy loses girlfriend, A-Hole friend consoles boy, boy gets girl back, A-Hole friend brings Insanely Chested Girls over, girlfriend leaves.  The classic nursery rhyme, we all know and love so much!

Obviously not for everyone. It was a fun and difficult challenge.  I really wanted to have the music and lyrics be center stage here, and not simply tacked on at the end, or playing in the background.  That’s why I bookended the story with it…at the beginning, and at the end.

Thanks again for the reads and comments.

I thought this script just dragged on and on.  The conversation between Tommy and Jackson sounded like 2 twelve year olds trying to see who could get the last word in.  And they sounded like 12 year olds, especially Jackson.

The dialog seemed too on-the-nose for me, especially Angel's.  Her forgiving Tommy seemed very artificial to me.


Phil

thanks for your comments on my short Remembrance, Jeff, and as promised, here is my feedback on yours.

It would be pointless making any comment on the formatting - as might be expected, it is pretty near flawless. I could see no typos or errors of this kind.

The story is a slightly different matter. My big problem is that these people mean nothing to me - I feel no connection with them. Who are they? What do they do? We are told Tommy is rich - and I am assuming from the music that he is a songwriter or musician of some kind. But none of this is really clear from the story.

Neither of the principle characters are likeable or particularly interesting - and nothing of any real depth occurs here. Tommy has been caught with a stripper, his girlfriend has walked out, his best friend comes round and ... well, that is about it.

And we find out that it only happened yesterday as well. I must say I had to reread this bit because it caught me off guard. He is caught with a stripper the day before, and he friend comes round to see if he is OK - apparently because Tommy's cellphone is off and he thinks he needs to check out the situation.

And Angel, the girlfriend, comes back. Just one day after finding her boyfriend with a stripper. This just seemed unbelievable to me - the whole time frame seemed far to compressed. And, just 24 hours after the event, she acts as if it wasn't that big a deal!

And then there is all this business with the screenplay. From what I can make out from the above posts, this is intended as a in-joke. But what about the casual reader? It serves no purpose - it's a sort of undramatic McGuffin! It's mentioned and finally appears, but to what end? It doesn't progress the story, or have any bearing on the outcome of the script.

The mild twist is obvious as soon as Angel comes back - so can hardly be described as a twist. It was, along with a couple of lines here and there, mildly amusing.

The song element was, at least, part of the actual story - as may have been apparent from some of the other comments I have posted regarding OWC entries, I feel that the proper stories in the competition include the song as a plot point, rather than just tacking it on as an after thought. So the inclusion of the song as an actual development of the story narrative was welcome.

This is way shorter than the comprehensive review you gave Remembrance, I know, but I am not sure that I can say much else on this.

Simon, thanks for the read and comments,  Sorry it didn't work for you.

What the vast majority of people are missing here is that this is a comedy, and is not to taken seriously.  I call it romantic comedy, but, sure, it's a bit light on the actual "romance".  The romance element is more implied.

The fact that Angel comes back, is again, not to be taken in a serious way.  It's comedy, and in comedies, this sort of shit always works out way easier than it ever really would.

As I said earlier, I wrote this in a few hours, and because of that, much of the dialogue needs work and was rushed.  There are several lines I would take out, that don't go anywhere.  I would also like to add an action scene in the ocean that would have some funny visuals, as well as some funny banter between Tommy and Jackson.

Guess it's just not working the way it was intended.  Oh well, I'll move on...

Thanks again.

Has a bit of a two and a half men vibe to it with the two male characters. One a complete masoginist and the other more grounded. I liked it overall, there were some funny one liners in it. And I actually wanted the girl to take him back, he did seem genuinely sorry. Couldnt of shortened the first scene though and lengthened the finale. Good stuff though, I liked it.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/dontleavemealone.doc

Jeff

Whoa, this tread has taken off on a sinister little tangent it seems...anyway, the script.

Like someone said above, your critique is second to none and love or hate, disagree or agree, you're always honest and state exactly how you feel. What more an active member subscribing to this site want? It’s exactly what I look for anyway and the reason why this site is so invaluable to all us in the know. I too try to maintain that integrity of honesty in my own reviews (albeit not near as meticulously detailed and insightful) and here will be no different.

Firstly, I think these OWC entries should be analysed with a couple of things in mind. 1. They are written under an extremely restrictive time bracket 2. They must adhere to a specific theme or genre. 3. Must be a certain page length. Now I’m not saying people should go easy on them and wantonly ignore glaring errors and inconsistencies but one must realise that aspects such as feasibility of plot and character, quality of structure, fully realised payoff may be questionable under close scrutiny. On a technical note, certain spelling and grammatical errors should also be treated with a fair degree of understanding. Unresolved loose ends, arbitrary characters delivering a couple of good lines unrelated to the plot before disappearing, unevenness of scenes or distinct lack of character background, etc will be detected but such is the nature of an exercise as this. They appear more a sketches, sometimes skits on the given subject and I feel they should be judged this way. A script bound by the prescribed stipulations, written against the clock akin to a test (or in this case a challenge) is not an easy task. Creativity is required of course (maybe that’s why I never enter) but it needs to be channelled in the different way, the thought process ( I can imagine) is more directed and focused to a certain point rather than the free reign creativity we’re afforded when we sit down to pen a new script at our own leisure. Again, I’ll reiterate, that reviewers should not be soft, instead, what  I’m saying is comments ought to be approached with these factors in mind and posts should reflect that accordingly. Unless you’ve got a killer script you’ve spent time developing, sitting there, that coincidentally ticks all the boxes in the chosen challenge, one, I feel, in my opinion, must approach these reviews with that in mind.

I've only read a couple of comments, yep, pretty divisive as you said on the PM. Here are my two cents for what they're worth.

Funny that you should write “from the heart” in your logline as I’m currently listening to the Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle soundtrack from Coppola’s film “One from the Heart”

Ha, Tommy Baltis as author, I like it (For some reason I always imagined it to be Michael but Tommy can work...ok we’re going with Tommy). Kind of gives away the identity of the writer though as you have repeatedly publicized your growing anticipation/impatience for Baltis’s much self promoted “Frostbite”.

Like anything I’ve read from you (Fade To White and the OWC entry of yours, the name of it escapes me now) the writing from a technical perspective is flawless. You are an advocate of such technical proficiency and writing things the correct way and to your credit, you practice what you preach. The descriptive is practical, tight and informative, never dwelling on unnecessary details to serve your own interests and fetishes instead serving the story and the readers experience.

I really enjoyed the opening the exchange between Jackson and Tommy, the dialogue was very sharp and witty. It might take up 4 of the 11 pages but in relation to my earlier babble on reviewing OWC entries it’s perfectly fine here given the nature of the scripts and what it’s attempting to achieve. I mean, you got the song in there, the romantic element and through the rapport and wisecracks between the two ball breakers an undertone of sneering humour.  

In a standalone script you could fault it for being too long, ponderous, possibly self indulgent but not here as it’s obeying the parameters administered for the challenge.

Some good passages there too. The song was hilarious for its cheesy, over simplified and direct verse I loved how Jackson came in straight away and staring mocking him over it, the Barry Manilow analogy was spot on. Straight off we understand that you know they are pathetic too as I was worried you were being serious about them as an actual genuine song.

TOMMY
Mr. Experience talking, huh? Yeah,
right. I seem to remember last year
when Mary caught you banging that
pig, you were a fucking little pussy
whipped bitch for three weeks...didn't
even leave your house! How much
weight did you lose in tears alone? -- Great put down, we learn everything we need to know about the seemingly cocksure Jackson after that revealing comeback. Although, it doesn’t deter him from continuing his assault of smart assed remarks on Tommy, Makes him an all the more likeable character because of that trait though.

TOMMY
From Baltis? What the fuck? Where'd
that loser hear it from?

-- Oooh, a wafer thinned veiled exposition of the author’s personal inclinations. Am I an asshole for laughing when I read it?

“ Angel did, dumbass. She saw her license plate...T-B-L-D-N-C-R.” -- Maybe I’m slow, but how does this number plate tell us she was a stripper?

JACKSON
And I told 'em you were good looking,
rich, and hung like the second coming
of John C. Holmes.

-- A reference to the great J Holmes is always welcomed in my books, kudos.

"She holds out the papers to Tommy. The cover sheet reads
"FROSTBITE by BALTIS"."

-- Ha, there it is as, great how you worked it in. My hyper-saturated testosterone brain was of course entertaining the notion you might be referring to something else when talking about how Baltis was going to show her something. And props too for swallowing it and “bigging” the script up for your buddy Michae—-, I mean, Tommy Baltis. Offering your own bit of promoting and marketing (free of charge) towards the perennially delayed, “Chinese Democracy” of unproduced screenplays.

What did you envisage Tommy doing for a living that has made him so wealthy? I was thinking film producer since he and Angel talk about reading the script.

“Jackson enters with two insanely chested GIRLS” -- I loved the “insanely chested” description.

Decent ending, it was inevitable as day follows night but was handled well. What does it say about Angel that she would be swooned by those mawkish lyrics and take the little bastard back literally the day after he cheated on her...and apparently with a stripper of all things... after his supposed fortune maybe.
Wouldn’t Tommy have thought of Jackson and two broads coming and cancelled the gig? Who knows, maybe since he was so swept away by getting back with his woman, he forgot, definitely possible.

I can definitely say I enjoyed the read. It made me chuckle a number of times and as I already said, I dug the back and forth banter between the two leads. Regardless of the chunks of dialogue (often frowned upon) I didn’t find it a slow read, it maintained a flow and fluency which made it quite the contrary. The pages flew by and the uncomplicated, structured flavour of the piece held my interest to the end.

On the negative side, for all my lauding of Jackson and Tommy’s dialogue I felt it did get a little overkill during the middle section, possibly a tad overdone. Also Tommy, I wasn’t on his side, nor did I feel sorry for him, you certainly blew Vonnegut’s first rule of writing (have a likeable protagonist) out of the water there. Jackson made up for him though, I was nodding my head in agreement anytime he put his lovesick friend in his place with a snide remark. That Tommy dude, was rich, a cheater and still bitched and moaned. I wasn’t sympathetic towards his standpoint and self pity which I’m sure now, in hindsight, was your intention as he ends up getting foiled at the end. The fact that it was Jackson’s fault makes it all the sweeter, it got a cheer from me. I , for one, did not want Tommy getting his girl back, call me bitter but fu?k him, he got what was coming to him.

But knowing you, this was the exact kind of reaction you wanted to evoke in the reader and if it is, you succeeded with flying colours.

Overall, a good job, Jeff, it had its thin, one dimensional characters, overlong scenes, gratuitous dialogue but hey, that’s what the constraints of time, length and subject does to a writer, I can only have nightmares about what incoherent trash I would conjure up if I took a stab at it. So like any entries I ever read on these OWC threads I totally applaud the effort and appreciate what you done with this.

Personally, I don’t understand the harsh criticisms directed towards this as a script. Methinks, you’ve pissed in one too many bowls of porridge with your reviews in the past for some folks, which is a shame. In a perfect world there wouldn’t be such forces as grudges or personal grievances only writing being judged on...the writing, and nothing more.

However, it’s pretty obvious who wrote this after reading through the script so you probably expected some “you criticised me so I’ll criticise you no matter what” tinged backlash, oh well, so it goes.

Anyway I liked it and glad I got to read it. I laughed, sneered, nodded and grimaced at different junctures throughout the piece although more of the former than the latter.

Good work, Jeff.

Col.