Hidden Things :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Libby’s advice is spot on. Coincidently, when I started writing about 20 years ago, I used almost the same format as a way of taking notes as I created stories. The idea was to write a novel and I thought if I composed my notes as if I were describing a film I was watching, I could get myself into the same mindset when I had time to compose the final novels.

I have since become interested in script writing and converted my notes to a true script format. You can do that too. Step one is to get script writing software as Libby suggested. There are a couple of free packages available online.

You can import what you wrote into whatever script writing software you decide to use. From there it’s a matter of converting characters into a “character” format, action into “action” text and dialog into “dialog” text. It will take a few hours but it is worth it.

I read this all the way through. It was rather painful to read. I was heart broken from page 14 onward. I liked the way you returned to the beginning at the end and that the story was all presented as a long recount of the past. I found myself genuinely pulling for the characters. Like I said, few scenes and some of the dialog left me heartbroken. The religious resolve of the family was uplifting. I love the story of Oliver the Owl Delilah tells to her Sunday school class.

That said, there are quite a few problems in addition to what Libby pointed out:

You didn’t number your pages. I am basing my page numbers from the PDF reader. Please add page numbers. The title page doesn’t count. Page 1 does not get numbered. Page numbering begins on page 2. Script writing software will take care of that for you.

You have a lot of scene transitions. You really shouldn’t do it at all but to make matters worse, you use scene transitions as a substitute for slug lines. There are no slug lines from page 37 to page 73. For example, on page 64 we go from leaving a hospital to sitting in a circle in Sunday school. No slug line.

You use “FADE OUT” where you should use “FADE TO BLACK”. You actually shouldn’t use that either. You should let the director decide how to switch between scenes.

You introduce characters redundantly. We know Delilah is wheelchair bound on page 9. We find out that it was from an injury and that the condition is permanent on page 14. It is mentioned a few more times in the story like she is being re-introduced to us. I lost count but I know I she was in a wheelchair from an accident 3 years ago on page 48. The same with Barry Kade. We learn of his condition on page 36 but we are retold of this a few more times in the story like on page 76 and page 120.

On page 130, Barry Kade is 9 years old. On page 139, he is 8 years old. I’m not sure if this was a flashback or if I missed something.

At the bottom of page 62 & top of page 63, Delilah and the receptionist switched places. Delilah asks the receptionist if she can help her. The receptionist tells Delilah that her son needs to see a doctor.

On page 47, Barry thanks the waiter with a $20 bill. He is still in England. He would hand the waiter a 20 pound note.

For some reason the text turns red on page 65. I don’t know how that happened but I’m pretty sure it was not deliberate.

This story has a lot of potential to being great but it’s going to take a lot of work. After you import and reformat this, there’s going to be a lot of editing to do. At the moment, it reads too much like a novel. One of the most important rules of scriptwriting is, “SHOW, don’t TELL”. In other words, if you can’t show it on a screen, you shouldn’t put it in your script. You can get away with a couple of short comments here and there.

For example, on page 64, “Delilah and Barry Kade leave the hospital, the weight of disappointment hangs in the air.” This is good. It can be shown in the acting. However, everything that follows up until they are in Sunday school is not good. “Delilah’s heart aches” can possibly be shown on camera but you really cannot show what she is thinking throughout that whole paragraph. The following paragraph reads well for a novel but in a movie script it needs to be described as a montage. There are a lot of cases like this in your script. I would look up how to write a montage on the Internet.

One last problem is that this script is too long. I think there are a lot of redundant scenes that convey similar struggles that can be edited out. I would take a long look at each hardship encountered and categorize them by type (taunted for his looks, injury, trouble finding care, rejected by family, health issues, etc.) and then pick only one or two of each. Also, the religious discussions that take place start to get a bit much. We know she has strong faith. We understand when her faith is shaken. After a while the conversations start to sound like Ned Flanders’ family. I would dial it back a little bit. This might be taken care of by bringing the page count down and shortening the script to under 120 pages.

This is not a throw-away project. There are messages of hope and need that this script needs to get out. I think you should put in the time. It’s going to take a lot and there will be multiple edits and re-writes. This is worth it.