SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 20th, 2018, 9:38am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Environmentalist *
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - The Environmentalist *  (currently 4556 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12561
Posts Per Day
1.93
The Environmentalist by James Williams (jwent668 - Short, Horror - A young girl alone in her parent's plush ski retreat gets a visit from a malevolent stranger. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:33pm
Logged
Site Private Message
screenrider
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Okay, this was brilliant until...(the ending: don't wanna spoil it for the rest)   But it was a prime example of taking it one step too far.  IMO.  Aside from that ...this is my favorite script out of the bunch, so far.  Home intruder, very scary.  Intelligent premise.

Well done.

P,S. And yeah...it's a ripoff of Scream, but who cares. It's Machinama.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 15th, 2010, 10:25am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 16
Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10279
Posts Per Day
2.57
HaHa...funny stuff.  Is this Stevie?  Obviously drawing from my Fade...the Schaefer House, Durango, CO, etc.

Well, to be honest, this didn't work too well for me.  It's pretty close to a carbon copy of the opening scene in Scream, and it's filled with alot of bad dialogue.  The first 2 1/4 pages are pure dialogue, with 1 character OS...not a very good visual for over 2 minutes.

If they were skiing, why is it night, and why did Jeanine just get home?  Why doesn't she know where she is?  She obviously knew her parents were skiing and only took 2 runs, so she must have been there as well, meaning she didn't just arrive.  A "lodge" is not a private home.  If it's a big 3 story house, why is she worried about hearing her parents banging?  She wouldn't...it's big enough for lots of privacy.

Apart from the completely been there, seen that scenario going on, it does offer some mild chills, as the intruder makes his game known.  Like Screenrider said, the end completely blows it for me.  It goes too far and doesn't even make sense.  Actually, the entire last scene in the bathroom doesn't make alot of sense...I mean, she's in the tub, yet she can reach out and pass her phone out the door?  What kind of bathroom is that?

Not sure if this is a serious attempt at horror, or a spoof on me and all the Scream clones out there.

Funny stuff, bud...this is you, right, Stevie...you old dog!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
_ghostwriter
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
Green


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
"On the road to Rome."
Posts
754
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hmm...

This was written well despite the shades of a familiar urban legend.  Page#2 wryly for Jeanine (Mocking)  I'd adjust.  There was several ways you could have ended this and the road you chose didn't work for me.

I'd question some of the dialogue as well.

Good Job nevertheless

Ghostwriter


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
Cam17
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
I don't think it's Stevie, Jeff.  There's no asterisk next to the title.  

This script had its moments.  The first part is an homage to Scream, which in itself was a ripoff of When a Stranger Calls.  One problem, though, is that the girl is so incredibly unlikeable that you really don't care whether she lives or dies.  The ending I actually found funny.  The visual of that guy sticking his head through the new hole in the wall would be hilarious.

So, decent effort for one week.  Not original at all, but not too bad either.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
stevie
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Down Under
Posts
2982
Posts Per Day
0.81
Defintely not me buddy! I wondered what your PM meant! No one gets killed in my scripts! Well, not murdered anyway...

Yeah, this was pretty good until the end. I knew it was coming though, cos i read the first review!
Formatting was good and though the story used all the cliches, it sounded fairly original.

Listening to the entire Beatles Anthology would be a chore, even for me; that's 3 double CD'S worth! Most of the songs are just working versions or alternate takes.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
jwent6688
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 7:39am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1744
Posts Per Day
0.47
Well, whether you like the ending or not, it was completely blown for me by the first review. This had a somewhat fresh look on a tired scenario. Felt there was too much dialogue in the beginning. Also some plot holes that need ironed out. I liked his motives, but they seemed to come out of nowhere. Still not sure about the ending. This started out with some good suspense and then almost ended like a comedy. Not bad for a weeks work....  Somebody's screwing with Jeff and Stevie....    James.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
greg
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1876
Posts Per Day
0.38
The document doesn't seem to want to work properly for me.  It opens, but then it lags like no other when I scroll down.

Anyone else have this problem?


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
Trojan
Posted: February 16th, 2010, 1:34am Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
Australia
Posts
431
Posts Per Day
0.12
I think this was pretty well written, but the story could be improved. I read this before I read the reviews and I also felt it was too similar to the beginning of Scream. Also the phone conversation goes on too long at the start and could be cut by half.

The actions by the killer didn't make sense to me. If he was after money to help the environment, wouldn't he have forced Tom at gunpoint to transfer money to an account somewhere? Why kill him and wait over two years for the girl to put the money to good use?

But overall I thought this was pretty good, a few tweaks here and there and this would be a really solid short.

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
George Willson
Posted: February 16th, 2010, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4027
Posts Per Day
0.79
My first thought: horrible title. It conveys nothing about the story we're moving into. Absolutely nothing...well, except the punchline. So scrap the title first.

Ok, so we're watching the intro to Scream. Except this one has a punchline. Oh, just kidding, it doesn't, but it still does. Granted, the creepiness is still there from Scream along with A Stranger Calls, but the thing is that it has been done. We've already seen those movies, and this adds nothing to it until the whole "I love animals" bit.

Now, the microwave bit was clever. Got to hand that to you. But it just felt tired.

Frankly, I think it would have ended better if Jeanine had lived with just a look from her to leave us wondering if she would do as she promised and if he would ever come back if she didn't. Leaving those things open are far better than making a bloody mess, which is just annoying to clean up. Until you killed your main character, there was a point to your story. Once you plugged her from behind, it became stupid.

Overall, it wasn't bad. There's a market for these types of stories, but to someone who has actually seen it all, it's just another rerun.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
ajr
Posted: February 16th, 2010, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1245
Posts Per Day
0.38
Not bad, but certainly derivative of any number of the horror movies mentioned here and probably more...

That's my main problem with this piece - that it's full-out horror, and I'm not sure where "the dark" comes in. The man is a maniac, but aren't all maniacs dark? IMO this didn't explore - i.e., a seemy underbelly of society, the recesses of a troubled mind, etc. This to me is dark...

Having said that, I loved the ending. I repeat - LOVED it. Why? Because Jeanine's a bitch, and it's totally in character for her not to change, even after seeing her parents murdered. So, even though we didn't get too much dark, we got some just desserts...

And why does everyone think Stevie wrote every damn one of these?


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
bert
Posted: February 17th, 2010, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
God King of the SimplyScriptsVerse


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4496
Posts Per Day
0.91
For twelve pages, it felt like those two girls were talking on the phone forever.  I almost gave up.

And once it starts, it is pretty derivative.  Without even reading any previous comments, Iíll bet you have heard that a dozen times.

But then -- you somehow find a way to make this fresh.  It is almost ludicrous, but somehow, it also works great haha.

It redeems the whole piece.  Glad I read it.  B+


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
Coding Herman
Posted: February 17th, 2010, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
461
Posts Per Day
0.14
Okay, I liked it, it had me gripping for most of the time. But the phone conversation in the beginning was too long for a 11 pager.

Nothing much I can comment on. I had no problem with a guy who randomly breaks into some rich people's place AND not for the money. His motivation of being an environmentalist is actually fresh. But the events are just like When A Stranger Calls.

Pretty good.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
jwent6688
Posted: February 22nd, 2010, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1744
Posts Per Day
0.47
Thanks to all those who've read and given feedback...

Yes, was having a little fun at Jeff here trying to make him think Stevie wrote it. Wasn't poking at you Pia, Don't know you that well yet.

Many of you didn't like the end. Fair enough, but I purposely made Jeanine unlikeable so you wouldn't mind when she got it in the end. To change the ending, i would have to make her someone you wanted to cheer for. Which may not be bad.

The phone conversation in the beginning is too long. Well noted, thanks.

It does come off like Scream/ When a stranger calls. but I tried to make it more realistic. I think most people would ignore the threats and call 911 immediatley in that situation. Especially a self-obsorbed 15 year old. - Which is why she says someone after her first in the 911 call Pia. She's all about herself.

I am planning a re-write, but as far as now haven't been booted from the list of potentials... yet. It's a tired scenario, but I think you could always do something better even if its already been done.

I've been dreaming up the environmentalist for some time. Probably not the best vehicle for his debut here.

Anyways, first thing I've written in about six months. Always fun to do the OWC.

Thanks to all, I think I read most everybody's, Good work...    James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
khamanna
Posted: February 22nd, 2010, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
2907
Posts Per Day
0.87
Just read it - Great job and congrats!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006