The Retail Unit by Colin - Horror, Mystery, Adventure - Selfish businessman Clinton Carlson is forced to rediscover himself and what he stands for when he finds himself stuck in an infinite, monster-filled retail unit. 124 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Colin! I'm about the read your script (no guarantee I will read it all). I know writing a feature is a lot of work so I'll give it a twirl. Right off the bat I do want to mention a few things in terms of formatting. That I see just by scrolling through quickly. P.S If you read this let me know if you want me to be harsh or positive and I'll build my thoughts around how you want to receive feedback.

-I would suggest not to bold your scene headings. (It's just easier on the eyes, though some writers might do it this way. Just imagine on certain pages having 3-4 scenes in bold)
-NO header on any of the pages, it's distracting. Especially when you have dialogue that is separated. You should only have the page #
-REMOVE all these continued... you don't need it between scenes. Again, distraction for your reader. Only time you should be using continued is for dialogue that's separated due to a new page.

PRODUCER
I once read this great script,
(MORE)

NEXT PAGE

PRODUCER (CONT'D)
Unfortunately there were all these distractions on the pages. I had to stop.

Continued will also be used when the same character will continue to talk between action lines. Using the same method (CONT'D)

-this one requires a bit more finesse...

STRICKLAND (PRELAP)
Lisa!

As a reader I don't know who Strickland is yet. Instead of giving a name to the dialogue of a character not yet introduced, give it an adjective.

STERN VOICE (PRE-LAPS)

Once your character is introduced, then you do it the way you did.

I'm off to start the read.
  

These little formatting are flags that tell the reader this is your first script. It's not all bad, but your reader is always looking for a reason to stop reading. Don't give it to them.


I just stopped reading 15 pages in. I'll get straight to it: practice formatting and short form screenplays.
I do see some potential and ability in story telling but its hindered by the following. Please don't take this personally you have the grit to write a full feature just stick to it!

-a lot of action line isn't visual, if we can't see it - take it out.
-If it ain't dialogue take it out of the dialogue. Yes inner thoughts are nice but not filmable - out. Don't direct actors.

Clinton
The CIC... and quickly.
(Éric starts the engine, Clinton changes his mind)
...Abernathey’s Ale House.
(Éric turns around to look at Clinton)
Come on, you heard me.

You have some action lines weaved into your dialogue and inner thoughts. It makes it hard to read and convoluted.

-Keep with what we need to know. I feel like there's a lot of fluff, especially considering your introducing us to so many characters - it becomes a mess, which is the primary reason why I stopped.

Clean up the formatting and I'll try a second read. Read all the screenplays that were nominated for Oscars this year it will help you out.

Awesome story! I am impressed, possibly to the point of intimidation, by  the level of imagination in this story. I do have some advice to share. Some of the advice is mentioned by SamIHam above. I hope I don’t offend anyone or step on anyone’s toes but it took me two nights to read this and I have quite a few notes.

First I want to mention that while your margins are set correctly, except for the parentheticals mentioned above, and that the page number is supposed to be suppressed on page 1, you shouldn’t use Microsoft Word to write screenplays. Please do yourself a favor and obtain a piece of software intended for writing scripts. While there is a screenwriting template in Word, it is no match for the streamlining found in scriptwriting software. The margins and page numbering are all menu-driven. There are packages available priced from expensive (Final Draft) to free. Libby was kind enough to pass this on to someone. I am passing her link to you:

https://nofilmschool.com/free-screenwriting-software

Another link I would like to pass on regards the massive use of “We see” and “We hear”. Personally, I find it distracting. I’m not going to preach like it’s a rule, but this article phrases it better than I can.

https://gointothestory.blcklst.....we-hear-b7a7edcd1820

It’s already been mentioned that you need to describe what can be filmed or recorded, not thought, smelled or felt. I’ll just say, “Ditto.”

You should avoid verbs that end in “ing”. Near the bottom of page 4, you have a “man sitting”. The way to word it is “The man sits.” It just reads faster and is more direct.

My only other advice about format would be to read the other scripts posted on this site and read the comments. It's how I learned. There really are no solid rules but realistically, there are a lot of things that can make your script scream "Amateur". The rules are always changing. It used to be that you shouldn't put graphics in your script or bold scene headings. You'll notice more and more of the better writers are bending those rules and getting produced. The debates can be found on the message board. There is one general rule that I think will always be true: The story has to be easy to read and follow.

I think this is fantastic story. I felt like I was watching a Terry Gilliam film, and I am a huge fan of Terry Gilliam.

That said However...

There are a few mistakes and typo’s to mention. I appreciate any help I get with mine so I pay it forward. Please don’t think I’m putting you or your story down. I'm trying to help.

On page 33, Clinton gets thrown onto a table with Him’s “inhumane” strength. I think you meant “inhuman”.

A little below halfway on page 44, Clinton becomes known as Carlson in both a dialog heading and in the following action line. I think this was an accident.

On page 70, Cooper is pulled into a “mirror”.  Kinji jumps into “the window” after him. This may have been deliberate but I found it confusing.

On page 86, there is a repeat of a flashback on page 80. I don’t know if you meant to do repeat the tragic hospital memory or not, but I’m mentioning it in case it was not.

One more mention about using Microsoft Word. I wrote something in Word and editing was a nightmare. I had to go through the whole project to fix widow/orphan problems anytime I added or deleted a line. I am amazed that you didn’t have this problem. In using Word, you must have put a ton of time into this.

Anyway, I copied and pasted into Fade In. It took a couple of hours to reformat it but it was easy. My point is that I didn’t have to re-write my whole script. It also lowered the page count.

You have quite the imagination for creating stories. I look forward to your next one.