Quoted from bert This is the comment I was going to make if I did not see it first. For those of you still reading, look at how many of the scenes are little cliffhangers in themselves -- drawing you forward. And just look at all the asides to the reader.  Does it detract from the reading?  Are they "unfilmable?"  No, I say!  Not in the least -- it is about tone and feeling -- and I think the actors will know just what to do with those passages. I am really starting to detect the smell of taint around that particular "rule". The writer understood that, and she nailed it in many places.  This one has the recent comedy "formula" grafted into its DNA, for sure. But it does work on the page -- and as Brea points out, it is designed to draw you forward into the story, turning pages.

I absolutely agree here. Everything draws us forward in a chain!!! The script is written as a series of incidents, but not random ones. For example: I loved the scene where the Jamaican guy comes up and offers to help with bags-- a huge smile on his face that has her raising a smile too-- until it cracks when he tears off. Gosh oh goley or gee!!! Hollywood? Can you hear me? PLEASE PLAY FRANK SINATRA'S NEW YORK NEW YORK here.

Sandra

From Breanne:

Here are a few questions to everyone:

1) Has reading this script changed the way you will write in the future? If so, how?

Yes, absolutely. I think for myself the struggle will be to narrow the focus of my scripts-- because I try and tackle too much at this point and so I think that this script does a good job of isolating just "what" it wants to accomplish and then goes to work with that. We see what we need to see to tell its unique story and that's all-- so it's tight. Working on tightness (particularly structural tightness) is extremely important and for this reason, I think this is an excellent script to study.

This script shows how one can get a lot of clarity out of a short scene. For instance, back the the Jamaican guy example:

A lot of writers might show New York in a series of shots, but we see a good snapshot here right off the bat and later woven into the script: Before getting on the subway, "They can smell fear!" Where Drew is sprayed with mace; when he gets bonked because of he's thought to be a pervert in the bushes. There are numerous little New Yorkities spicing up the script.

2) Has reading this script changed the way you will review the scripts of other writers? If so, how?

Yes, it confirms what I've always suspected, but didn't have the experience to know for sure: That tone is just as important as blatant and only "sometimes applicable rules".

Asides from the writer can help with the mind frame that needs to go up on screen. Even if it doesn't seem filmable, it may be a hint for the actor as in:

They're batshit crazy, but she loves them.

This isn't a thing explicitly, but it's definitely a character and reactionary moment from both sides.

How might that be expressed?

Well, how about little bats flying over the heads of Mom and Dad as seen by Mandy?

It could be expressed in her making faces as they turn away for a moment.

Any number of things could happen that aren't expressed in a hundred page script and I think it's worthy of noting that.

There are many other points on pacing and structure, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Sandra

This was in response to whether or not this experience would change the way you reviewed the scripts of others:

Quoted from Grandma Bear I try to look at the story and not really the writing.

This is something that intrigues me. I often hear people say they want to focus on the story only. But what about the story are you going to focus on?

For example; if you see someone with big blocks of dialogue, are you going to tell them they should break them up? I always did that in the past if they were really big blocks. I would have said they slowed the story down.

But right here in I Want To ____ Your Sister, there are giant blocks of dialogue broken up with only parenthesized actions like “off his look.” This is done all throughout the entire script. And I thought it slowed down the flow of the script sometimes.

But as far as story issues exclusively; I thought this script had story issues. I thought it had a dead end with the Davis character. I thought all the “romances” were dead ends. And as you yourself said, you didn’t think Drew changed enough in the end.

But no issues prevented this script from selling.

If this was an unproduced script posted here, do you really feel that you would treat it the same as you would knowing it had sold? Because I’m relatively certain I wouldn’t, knowing what I know now.

I’m admittedly questioning the script advice I should give in the future. There are a lot of people who say they want to concentrate on story and not format. And I think they have a point. What I’m wondering now is; does story advice really matter?

Does it matter if something slows the story down for you personally? Are we really looking at scripts objectively? Are we looking at them in terms of whether or not they can sell? Or are we looking at them in terms that are only important to writers artistically?


Breanne

Quoted from Shelton My own question... After reading this, do you find it to be a romantic comedy? The more I think about it, the less I believe it actually is.  Sure, it does stress on some relationship things, but the real relationship here is between a brother and sister, and that strays a bit too far from things in my opinion.

Man that's a good question!!!!

You are using your noodle!!!

How CAN it be?! It's NOT about romance!!!!!

What is it then??

Sandra

From Breanne:


"I actually thought Davis might turn out to be a really nice guy in the end. When he made mention of overriding Drew’s veto for love, I thought that was moving and that Davis might turn out to have been full of cr** about all his conquests or something. But then his character was diminished. Davis never really came through as a villain for me. It was suggested he would steal Drew’s account. It was suggested he would f*** Drew’s sister. He really didn’t make much effort to do either. Then it was suggested that perhaps he might have genuine feelings for Mandy. Then it was like he basically disappeared into the scenery.

I thought so too!!! I actually thought that the struggle was going to be between Drew and Davis in the early stages. At first, I thought that Davis was going to be the antagonist.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I thought so too!!! I actually thought that the struggle was going to be between Drew and Davis in the early stages. At first, I thought that Davis was going to be the antagonist.

When Davis mentioned overriding the veto for love, I thought that was a stroke of genius on the author’s part. It was very romantic. I thought he might actually end up helping Drew in the end. But that just shows you that what one reader thinks is brilliant, others might not care about.


Breanne

Breanne,

In regard to the lengthy dialogues, I was actually thinking while reading that it was something I mentioned in Bee Girl... I thought, well I guess I'm wrong.  

Regarding the story itself, I think it was pretty good, but seemed at times as if I'd seen it before and yes there were some questions regarding the story. However, this is a comedy and as such I thought it was smart, funny and tightly written. In a comedy I want to see/hear some jokes. I thought the dialogue was really good and the action paragraphs with all the asides kept the feel of a comedy in between the verbal and visual comedy. It kept me interested and I read it straight through.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson If this was an unproduced script posted here, do you really feel that you would treat it the same as you would knowing it had sold? Because I’m relatively certain I wouldn’t, knowing what I know now.

If this were an unproduced script here, I would say that it's a damn good script.  I might point out things here and there that I thought seemed off, but it's really no different than sitting, watching a movie, and wondering why they did a certain thing.

Quoted from Breanne I’m admittedly questioning the script advice I should give in the future. There are a lot of people who say they want to concentrate on story and not format. And I think they have a point. What I’m wondering now is; does story advice really matter?

I think story advice is important, especially when you consider that it's what is ultimately going to show on the screen...the story.  The things that are interweaved into the prose play a factor as well, since it helps give the actors, set designers, etc. etc., a clearer idea of the writer's vision.

And by the way... after I read this script I thought the title didn't fit. That's not really what the story is about. An attention grabber for sure, but not exactly a good hint of the story itself. I wouldn't be surprised if the final film will have a different title.

Quoted from Grandma Bear In regard to the lengthy dialogues, I was actually thinking while reading that it was something I mentioned in Bee Girl... I thought, well I guess I'm wrong.

Yes you did but what I’m asking is; are you going to keep doing that in the future? Some of the dialogue blocks in I Want To ____ Your Sister are larger than the dialogue blocks in Bee Girl and Bee Girl has a noir voiceover gumshoe, which makes the blocks expected.

What I’m asking is; if this script were posted as unproduced, would you say something about the dialogue blocks? Would you still consider that an issue? Because for me personally, I’m thinking to myself, how can they hurt? Pro scripts do it.

And that was just an example. I’m seriously wondering about the advice I give on scripts. I want to give good advice, not just personal advice. I’m wondering it we collectively as reviewers here are really looking at scripts objectively.


Breanne

It's not so much about the size of the blocks as it is about the quality of the dialogue on the whole.  

If the dialogue is well written, you'll breeze through those blocks like they were two sentences.  On the other side of the coin, if the dialogue is terrible, two sentences can read like a paragraph.

Quoted from Shelton If this were an unproduced script here, I would say that it's a damn good script.  I might point out things here and there that I thought seemed off, but it's really no different than sitting, watching a movie, and wondering why they did a certain thing.

I understand. But would you, if this was posted in the unproduced section, say to the author that you think it’s ready to sell?

Quoted from Shelton I think story advice is important, especially when you consider that it's what is ultimately going to show on the screen...the story.  The things that are interweaved into the prose play a factor as well, since it helps give the actors, set designers, etc. etc., a clearer idea of the writer's vision.

I don’t want to be misunderstood. I’m not saying this isn’t a good script. I hope I’m not leaving that impression. Because I feel like that’s the way you’re taking it. What I’m wondering is whether or not people would recognize that this script is ready to be sold.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I understand. But would you, if this was posted in the unproduced section, say to the author that you think it’s ready to sell?

Absolutely.  Some of my own scripts that I've pitched/sold weren't up to this quality.

Quoted from Breanne I don’t want to be misunderstood. I’m not saying this isn’t a good script. I hope I’m not leaving that impression. Because I feel like that’s the way you’re taking it. What I’m wondering is whether or not people would recognize that this script is ready to be sold.

I was just answering your question about story advice being important.

Quoted from Grandma Bear In a comedy I want to see/hear some jokes...all the asides kept the feel of a comedy...I read it straight through.

That's just it.  A script is a movie...and it isn't.  A script is some twisted cross between a book and a movie.  A comedy script needs to be funny -- in every aspect -- it needs to read funny.

One thing I kind of see now with this script (and Countdown, though to a lesser extent) is how a funny script needs to read funny -- an action script needs to read...well, action-y I guess.  A horror script should read scary.

I guess I always knew that, but I see it a little clearer now, I think.

I think this sold largely because it reads really well, and it reads funny.  I think it does, anyway.

Would it make a great movie?  Eh -- there will probably need to be some changes along the way -- I will be very surprised if they aren't.  But if you are sitting in a chair in your living room reading this script, you will be entertained.

Our scripts need to do that -- by hook or by crook -- they must entertain.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson What I’m wondering is whether or not people would recognize that this script is ready to be sold.

I think I would...

If anyone of us posted this here, I would probably call it "Kick Ass"