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Quite funny.. Your formatting is way off, but what the Hell!
Thanks, could you maybe tell me what in the format made it way off? I need to work on that.
Quoted from George Willson
Sorry, gotta hit this one...dial tone on a cell phone? Um, no. I mean, even landline phones don't get immediate dial tones when you hang up. That's purely a movie and TV convention. But a cell phone never has a dial tone at all (okay, except when you're making a 3-way call, but that's kind of an exception).
It's one of those magical cell phones that miraculously hears dial tones. Either that or it was just his girlfriend making the noise..I like that, Ill go change it.
Quoted from tony
In some parts I think Mike could've kept his mouth shut instead of talking to himself.
Don't you think that that would make it a bit to action heavy though? I think I should keep it, but do you have any suggestions to make it like, flow better?
The only thing is a plot hole: Lucy is talking to Mike while he’s dodging lightning but never acknowledges it. That would be a hard thing to miss.
Although it was not my intention at first, I do think that I like her not noticing, or rather, seeming to care, especially if I go with my dial tone Idea up above. Thanks for pointing that out, ill make it obvious that i am lampooning her self centeredness.
Quoted from James Mclung
One thing I didn't understand, though, was why the fat lady was ranting about magazines she herself was paying for. It's funny, don't get me wrong, but she's just drawing attention to herself. Maybe if she tried to steal them or something and got caught. Same effect and might even make the scene funnier.
I actually don't think that that happened, Ill go back and look though.
Quoted from cindylkeller
I think a little person would have been a nice addition to this one, but hey, it was fun without it.
You mean like a dwarf? I could efinetely see that hasppening. I hope that that was politically correct.
Thanks for reading everyone! I'm so happy that you all seemed to like it.
Higgs, I loved the momentum of this story. It just kept getting better and funnier as it moved along at a wonderful pace. You did a great job here.
I particularly liked the guy with the fur coat and antlers running through the woods -- it's not the kind of joke that you see coming -- but when it arrives, it makes perfect sense -- and it would probably be very, very funny to watch.
The only format snafu I could see was your use of (V.O.), which goes after the character's name, on the same line, like this: MIKE (V.O.)
That, and the fact that most of your (V.O.) are really (O.S.), which is "off-screen". They're not the same thing. Ask George if you don't know what I mean.
Pound for pound, this one had more actual comedy than most of these. Good job. Oh -- and cows eat out of a trough, not a troth.
Good job. Oh -- and cows eat out of a trough, not a troth.
Damn!
Thanks bert. Yeah, I think I get the V.O. versus O.S., I actually thought they were the same, and you could just choose whichever one suits you. Thanks again, glad you liked it.
I read this script, and I loved every part of it! I've seen stuff on TV like Meet The Parents, and The Worst Week Of My Life, and I love the whole "everything goes wrong" thing! 10/10, man.
Well, I've read your other stuff like Love Bites, The Search For The Great American Jackelope, and you know I like Mindless. So, yeah, I like your writing. Keep up the good work.
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A Very Bad Day
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