Cheers Rick for your thoughts.

I'm changing the alarm situation as this has been mentioned earlier but thanks for pointing it out.

I may change the gun to a knife as this would still show extreme measures and wipe out the gun purchase altogether.

Just a heads up that this is now a second draft if anyones interested in reading.

This was pretty damn cool but I saw all the bank scenes like they were in slow motion, I think you'd get a better feeling that way.

Cheers for giving this a read so quickly Daniel.  Nice idea about the slow motion but I guess that really be down to the director.  I had imagined the bank scenes to be in black and white in contrast to bright colours for the bedroom scenes.

Sorry, but this script didn't work for me.

The daughter and mother dialouge juxtaposed with crisis in bank just seemed manipultive and obvious. It has been done before many times.

The short shorts that work the best are  all about the surprise idea that comes out of nowhere and is innovative and shocking. That's all you got time for.

But it's only a four page script and what's most important you've gained some writing experience. It is well written and formatted.  I just found the idea  just a bit tired.

But I do agree with the above that you have pulled off a full story with a begin/middle/end. That's very  hard to do in the space of five pages or less.

That's why you never see me write a four page script.  
  

Hey Tonkatough, no worries mate.  Each to their own opinion and I fully respect that.  

I guess your right about the story not been original but the point you made about a good exercise pleases me cos that's what I did it for really.  I was trying to write a story in under 5 pages and so I think I achieved this.

Sometimes an idea just pops into my head and I roll with it.  This one did so I went for it, so to speak.  

Anywho thanks for the read.  I'm looking for a feature to read so I think I'll take a look at one of yours if you like (to get my own back lol, only joking).  Which would you prefer me to read cos I'm not fussy.

Actually Alffy. I would much prefer you to read my short. I uploaded it a few days ago so keep an eye out for it as it is coming soon.

Plus I'd like to sample more of your work. Any other one of your shorts you wish me to read? A favourite?

Hey Alffy

Overall, a decent story. I did get derailed in the opening desciptions. You have the mother sitting on the end of the bed. Then you bring a daughter into the scene and the mother kisses her. Hmmm.

This is where my feable mind went off track. Maybe you could combine those two sentences of description into one. Give the mother more of an emotional tone, body language or something and cuddling up to her daughter in a soft yet fretful way. I don't know just a thought.

Two thumbs up from me.

Spencer McDonald

Tonkatough I be sure to keep an eye out for your short.  

As far as my shorts go, I lean toward 'The Big Stiff'.  

Oh my, I just read over that sentence again and it can read two very different ways! Lol.

Spencer, thanks for the read.  I'll look over your suggestion and see if I can work on it.

Hey alffy, just finished this reading this piece.

Although I’m more of a popcorn moviegoer, and my cinematic diet doesn’t usually include dramas, I must say I enjoyed this one.

SPOILERS

I liked the twist at the end. Just when I though that daddy was about to be killed by a desperate criminal, daddy turns out to be the desperate criminal. Clichés are a great source for story ideas if you know how to play against them.

The premise was competently executed and I haven’t got any relevant criticism to make.

I only wonder if you could escalate the conflict right from the start by having mom and Debbie talking about more pressing economic needs, like grandma’s medicine, instead of luxuries like a new bike or pet.

Fairly well written on the technical side, although you could trim some bits:

“She is in her mid thirties” could be reduced to “(30’s)” after the character's name.

Good job, man.

Mr Z, cheers for the read.

I always get the 'you over write' statement, I guess that's just my style.

Anyway glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the feedback.  I just glad the ending came as a surprise, as it was suppose to.

Thanks.

Hey Alffy,

Nice work!

I try to stay on top of script submissions, but when I went to the "scripts I have written" page I noticed you had a few shorts I had not read and even a feature!!  Good for you! I might take a look at the feature once I'm finished with a bunch of stuff that's keeping me busy at the moment.

Anyway,

I thought you did really well with this. I liked how you handled the V.O and the fact that he was not robbing the bank and also Debbie's situation. All very well done. I have no complaints what so ever about the story.

My only complaint was your scene headings not saying DAY or NIGHT. It was confusing at first when debbie was in bed because I assumed it was night time and therefore didn't get how John could be at the bank at night in the following scene. Extremely easy fixes though.

Great job!!  

PS. is it withdrawl or withdrawal?

Pia, thanks for checking this out.

I submitted this a long time ago and can barely remember it myself, I'm glad you liked it though.

As for my one and only feature posted, well I was re-writing it a while back but I was never happy with it.  I just wanted to write something that had a surprise ending.

I do have a feature that I plan to submit in the next few months, actually I'm holding off until I'm happy with the re-write.  I'm also working on a longer script which may reach the 'feature' length lol.

Thanks again for the read and if you want me to read anything of yours, you only need to ask

Oh and it's withdrawl, and I never even thought of Withdrawal...I know where to come for title suggestions now lol.

alffy,

If I were a paid script reader, I most likely would've stopped reading because of the grammar, (several comma's missing), but HEY I'm nobody important!
I love the use of V.O. from Catherine as her hubby robs the bank. The brutal tension of the bank scene blended with the calm dialogue between mother and daughter would be exciting to watch on the big screen. Nice segue between the slam of the diary cover and the teller windows. The premise gives plenty of visual drama that a smart director would most likely love to take a crack at. Curious if this is in production?

Hey Wes,

Wow this is an oldie you've dug up here.  Sorry about the grammar issues, I probably rushed this out.  I actually rewrote this but never posted it as I was contacted by a school teacher who wanted their class to shoot it but in the end he thought the bank scene was viable.  I may upload the revamped version now as you've pushed this up.

Cheers for the read.