Spinning Reels by Joe Fraser (blakkwolfe) - Short, Comedy - Stacy Armstrong learns the ropes at a local casino. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hi, blakkwolfe. I thought it was a cute idea, with some snappy dialogue and cute characters. I laughed out loud when Stacie outed herself. I didn't like the ending, though. I don't know what you can to fix it, I just don't think it's good enough.

Good writing. I didn't see any technical errors.

Hey,

I thought this was well written in terms of format and grammar. I thought your descriptions were pretty snappy and enjoyable to read.

It seems like you've, in terms of writing, improved since the Bonaventure.

That said I had some problems with the substance of the short. After reading it I felt like so what? To me the end felt like a punchline that didn't really fit the set up.

The characters you introduced were interesting enough but I felt they didn't really go anywhere except for Rose. With her I was satisfied for whatever reason, I don't know why though, I'll have to think about it.

Oh, I also don't think Mildred was in caps when she was first introduced.

anyway nice effort,

sheepwalker

Thanks, Abs...I wanted to do something to follow-up all the good stuff I learned from the OWC, especially the actions, which were problematic on that other piece.

About the ending, I also had considered the whole thing turning into a Crouching Dragon style knock down drag out battle with complete with Madden-esque color commentary, but decided against it.

Sheep; Ahh, you are correct sir on Mildred. @#$@! I agree that there was not a whole of meat to this, just Guy Stacy learning that you don't mess around with someone else's slot machine, which I learned first hand during a weekend at Harrah's down in Laughlin.

Thanks guys very much for checking this out!

Hey Joe,

Like ABS' script, I also remember you mentioning this in the chat room (perhaps I spend too much time there).  Thought I'd give it a read.

I'm not a big fan of the Guy Stacy's intro.  The every man bit is just as ambiguous as his name.  Sure, it helps the reader, but it has to be portrayed through his actions and dialogue.  Anyway, I'll comment on that as I get further into the script.

The two "Stacy" thing is interesting.  I'm glad you chose to go with a different spelling and the guy flag otherwise it would have been ridiculously confusing.

Guy's pickup routine is smooth as sandpaper...lol

I enjoyed the story and especially liked the last couple pages with the exchange with Roland and then the stealing of Rose's machine.  I think the very end could be adjusted to be more in line with the story though.  

You have this frail old lady whose bones creak when she walks doing a full on body tackle.  I can see the humor in it, but it definitely takes a lot of suspension of disbelief.  No biggie though.

Anyway good job.  I got a few laughs out of it.

Hey Joe, this was a pretty funny script for the most part, a couple of the lines by Guy Stacey near the beginning fell flat, but maybe they were supposed to.  The visual of Rose almost zombie like as she plays the slots was kind of funny.  I was kinda let down at the end, it felt like a joke without a punchline, but everything leading up to that was pretty funny and it had some good laughs, especially with girl Stacie.

                                    GUY STACY
                              He’s a lucky man.

                                    STACIE
                               She thinks so.

HAHAHA, great line.

Thanks very much Mike!

I struggled quite a bit with that naming convention, but i really wanted to use that element. I'm glad that was the right choice. Seemed logical

I agree that I should have given a bit more detail into Guy's intro. Too much of an aside there.

Like the Saints, Guy doesn't score much.

Thanks for the insight and for the read.

There was some funny parts to this.  Stacie seemed more interesting than Guy Stacy, but I did like the "She thinks so" line as well as the "back to your lives. citizens..." line.  I'm concerned that my other favorite line kind of says it all about the piece.  Not much really happens here.  As an exercise, this works nicely because the action is pretty clearly described and nothing happens that seems unnatural.  The ending is a bit of a flat punchline, but the potential is there.  What could be done is to come up with a story for Mr. Stacy.  What does he want?  Why's he there by himself?  Play with the character more.  The jokes will find themselves, but your character will move the story.

Quoted from EBurke73 The ending is a bit of a flat punchline, but the potential is there.  What could be done is to come up with a story for Mr. Stacy.  What does he want?  Why's he there by himself?  Play with the character more.  The jokes will find themselves, but your character will move the story.

Thanks to both Burke and Flying Boy for reading this short and i appreciate your valuable opinions. I am definitly going to rethink the ending from the feedback I've gotten.

As far as Guy Stacy, he just wants to try out the local casino. Win a few bucks. Drink a few beers. Check out the ladies. I agree though that he is pretty shallow, and not that bright, which i should demonstrate more through his actions, thus building his character.

Thanks again for your comments.

I don't really know what to think about this one. It was well-written and there were definitely some good lines in there but I don't think much actually happens here. The ending kinda fell flat on its face. I think that's the main problem. The characters are a little flat as well but for the most part, they seemed like real people. The older ladies had a lot of potential as characters, especially Rose. I don't think you utilized them to their full potential. Also, I don't think an 80-something woman would use the insult "dumb ass young dude."

Anyway, I guess this one was okay but I think it could've been way better. You've got a lot to expand on. I suggest you do.

Ah man I hate going to the club with my sister-n-law and brother-n-law. Sit there and watch them tap away the buttons on the pokies and knock back a few beers.

Pokies are so boring. But lucky for you and your script you populated your script with some colorful characters. Rose was a stand out as was stacy trying to pick up stacie.

This script is well written and the dialouge is sharp. The only problem I had was with the plot or point of this script in which their was none.

Have to agree with James above in that there was nothing engaging about the story, nothing to drive the story and it didn't end but just kind of stopped.  

James and Tonka; Thanks to both for taking time out to read this. I appreciate it.

I've been in the gaming business for 14 years, and never heard them called Pokies...Thanks for that...(Aristocrat is big in Australia).

I agree that there wasn't a whole lot to this. Just good for a couple of chuckles, and that's pretty much it, like an old cartoon. But even then, the basic rules of good, solid story still apply, so lesson learned.

"Also, I don't think an 80-something woman would use the insult "dumb A** young dude."
She would if she's a hip hoppin', cha-cha slidin' gramma and down with the boogedy beat. Word, yo.

In thinking hard about this, the main problem is there is no Act III. The set up is there, the basic conflict is established, but there is no real resolution. It ends at Act 2 with Guy putting his money into the machine, which sets up the action for Act III, which isn't there, only a glimpse of it with Rose tackling Guy. That's why the ending doesn't work.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.

Hi Joe,

I hate to be the wet blanket here...

This story didn't really work for me at all. I know it is supposed to be a comedy and maybe you and I just have different types of humor. That happens. I didn't really see anything funny in it at all.

Story wise, I never really got a feel for what it was supposed to be about. Guy's gambling story or him trying to pick up Stacie? If it's about him gambling using someone elses machine, like you said, then I think the part with Stacie can definitely be trimmed because it doesn't lead to anywhere except for the "coming out" joke. A long set-up for a joke that was okay.

Regarding the carachters, I wish this story had been about Rose instead. She was the only one that was interesting and I would have liked to see more of her.

Regarding the writing, I wish you would use present tense only. (I think that's what it's called) Avoid using words that end with 'ing. I've been told this so many times myself that I have finally got to the point where all those 'ing words are annoy"ing.

I'm sorry this script didn't really work for me. I hope some of my comments can be of use.

Quoted from tomson Hi Joe, Regarding the writing, I wish you would use present tense only. (I think that's what it's called) Avoid using words that end with 'ing. I've been told this so many times myself that I have finally got to the point where all those 'ing words are annoy"ing.

Hey Pia; I do I have a bizarre sense of humor, and I appreciate greatly the writing tip along with the read. I will work on this on the revision. Thank you!

well I cound not see anything funny as yu
say you have a bizare sense of humour

Hey Blakkwolfe,

This had potential to go somewhere I felt, but you never really explored it enough. The biggest problem with this script was the lack of structure (beginning, middle & end) those are must haves.

The story certainly had some funny moments, the "She thinks so" line was priceless. But it seemed to me that the story evolved rather without purpose if you understand what I mean. Each scene must move the story forward and I had difficulties getting what the story actually was. Is it Guy Stacy hitting on Stacie or is it the plot about Rose? You have to be more specific when you tell a story and cut out anything that doesn't move the story forward. The end just seem to come out of nowhere and that really hurt the overall impression (which up to that point was good) of the script.

The writing was pretty solid imo and you certainly have the format stuff down (okay, you forgot to cap MILDRED when you introduced her - no biggie). However you should consider using active verbs, cos' they make the words flow much better.

Examples:

PATRONS are milling about. Should be "PATRONS mill about."
ROSE [...] is sitting at a slot machine. Should be "ROSE [...] sits at a slot machine"

All in all I thought this was a good try, but it needs some modification to fully reach its potential. Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from padnar well I cound not see anything funny as yu say you have a bizare sense of humour

My wife often says that the world can be divided into two groups;

Those who love the Three Stooges, and those who don't (not to compare this to the immortal artistry of Howard, Fine and Howard.)

I understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea, but regardless I thank you for taking time to read and to comment on it.

Quoted from sniper The biggest problem with this script was the lack of structure (beginning, middle & end) those are must haves.

Thanks for the read Rob. You are exactly right about the structure. After this was posted, I realized that this was the main failure (among others) of the short. (No third act).

The main plot line was no one messes with Rose's machine or else. I over-edited that to the point where it wasn't clear.

I wrote it free-form (sans outline) which I doubtlessly should not have done.

Thank you for the sample text. Pia had mentioned a similar comment, and I'm definitely going to take it to heart in future works. I greatly appreciate it.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe The main plot line was no one messes with Rose's machine or else. I over-edited that to the point where it wasn't clear.

Okay, well in that case I think you should make the story all about Rose. As it stands now it's pretty much Guy who's the main character. He could still be in it but as a lesser character. You could introduce him through his pick up scene with Stacie (though it should be shortened).

I like the way you created Rose (with the tubes and IV) and I could easily see her character being just as funnny as Guy.

Well, just a thought.

Rob

Thanks for the tip, Rob.

I'm planning to rework this over the weekend, and I will keep that in mind.

Joe

This was pretty good,
I think if you added a one liner after Rose tackles Guy at the end it would help. it was the perfect oportunity to have her tell him off. Maybe she gets up, puts her cane to his throat and shouts something obscene to him?
The ending did surprise me, I was expecting the machine to hit the jackpot, but you thankfully avoided it. you had all the cues pointing towards it, nice little trick.
Only complaint was Guy's banter with Stacy, some of his comebacks were really cheesy, i know that's what you were going for, but not sure if any girl would laugh at them. His "I didn't get to frat" line being the worst offender.
Overall I liked it, especially Rose, you had some funny visuals with her. Ex. tilting back her head for the shot. if you do a rewrite I'd be interested in seeing more development with her character. Good job

I was along for the ride for a while.  It wasn't doing much but it was enjoyable enough.

The end is horrible.  It made me read and read it again and still left me unfufilled.  You didn't make a decision.  Either he wins or he doesn't.  The tackle isn't enough.  Also, how exatcly do you tackle someones crotch.  I don't watch it every Sunday but I do know that you don't try and tackle a cup.

Stacie I liked.  She had some substance.  Stacy on the other hand had little other than insecurities about his name.  Oh well.

N7, Souterfell; thanks to both of ya'll for reading.

Guy Stacy is pretty cheeseball...I liked the fratted line as a variation of the old Kipling joke..

(A guy sits next to a pretty girl in the library. "Do you like Kipling?" he asks. She blushes and replies shyly "I don't know, I've never kippled.")

Originally I had the shot going into the IV bag, but my wife was pretty sure that would be instantly fatal.

Souter, Sorry you didn't like the end. It was a Rocky III snapshot ending that didn't work.  

I'm a football addict, so here's how a below the belt tackle would happen... You hit a guy with the top of your helmet at about waist high. Guy didn't expect Rose's vicious Urlacherian response, so he wasn't wearing a cup. Ouch!

You might lose 15 yards on a personal foul/unsportsman-like conduct, but I don't the ref was watching when Rose nailed Guy Stacy with that dirty hit.

I liked Stacie, too. I'm hearing rumors that there may be a "wardrobe malfunction" in the rewrite.

Thanks again for reading. I greatly appreciate it.

Ok.  Just the way it's written it seems like the old lady is trying to wrap her vengful arms around his cash and prizes.  Either way, for the most part it was real good.

Rose tears back into the scene, nailing Guy hard in the
crotch with a brutal, laid out, full on tackle.

A good atmosphere but an expensive short to shoot, believe me. I once wrote a short set in a casino but no one could shoot it because of the price of the location.

Otherwise, I love Rose. What a character! What a woman! (lol) I think you don't need Roland and Mildred's characters. Simply replace them by the waitress. IMO, Stacie disappears too soon and should be there at the end.

Michel

Hey Michel! Thanks very much for the read.

This is set in one of the little local spots that are all over Las Vegas, which may not be as pricey as one of the big casinos on the strip. I will clarify that point in the rewrite, so thanks for bringing that up.

Rose is based (mostly on truth). The IV bag was added, but I've seen them in the casinos with that walker set up, the  oxegen tank, and always smoking!  

Stacie will play a bigger part in the rewrite, too, while Guy Stacy is pulled way back.  Thanks again!  Joe