Hi Glenn,

Just read this and found it very funny, the highlight definitly being the moment Jeffery emerged in the costume and the tea party afterwards.

The scene where he loses the plot and goes crazy at the Flumper and tears it up would look great in slow motion, as would a few scenes in this one.

I never read the original version but Im glad you added that Jeff's daughter then suffers from the phobia and I think the backstory was great, bizarre and funny.

Like I said, I never read the orignal but I think you have a very funny short here which works really well. It made me laugh anyway!

As has been mentioned, I might have liked to have seen what this Flumper looked like but I see your point that it doesnt really harm anything to not know - I basically just imagined a big fluffy toy anyway.

"You've just traumatized our daughter" is too on the nose.  The scene with Angela the taxi driver is a little confusing at first - maybe if you had Angela return with the toy and then Jefferey thanks her straight away. And as has been pointed out, on page 10 Harry mentions Tina as his son?

All in all, great short which I found really funny, top job!

thanks for the read scoob.

That's why I read your stuff cause I know you will return the favour.

Yeah the on the nose dialouge thing I get a bit confused with.

All this subtext thing is cool and mainly do with emotion but when something is obvious you going to have an obvious response.

If a character wants a glass milk they're gonna ask for a glass milk. If someone looks sick You gonna say "you look sick"

I liked it.  The descriptions were clear enough that I pictured it all happening.  The tea party on the lawn...the furry suit.  All good.  The only problem with it is that it seemed like an exercise in screenwriting rather than a genuine attempt at film.  It was pretty flawless as far as structure...it had a few spelling errors (coarse, than) but it didn't really carry me away.  I think that a comedy script should make me laugh as I read it, otherwise the film version would not make me laugh either.  But again, it followed all the 'rules' that everybody considers critical.
-Dave

Hey Tonkatough

Gave this another read, as I said I liked it first time around, on my second read I have a few comments, hope they are useful.

What does a taxi uniform look like I thought that dress etiquette was reserved for chauffeurs not run-of-the-mill cab drivers?

                                                      Jeffery
                                 Thanks for doing this. I appreciate
                                                it, really I do.

Was it necessary for him to thank her like this it is her job after all. But I suppose he is after a traumatic experience & a little scattered. The flashback scene was very funny.

The Doctor was humorous but I don't think even in the most Mel Brook-ish of comedies would he actually throw the toy at him multiple times to get a laugh. Just seems a little OTT, struggling to hold in the laughter is understandable.

Jeffery falling on his daughter in complete custume would look hilarious on screen. However, Natalie turns very cold when she starts taunting him with the toy, not to mention opening her daughters birthday present which is the last thing you'd think a parent would do, but hey if it results in someone in a Teddy Bear suit "belly flopping" onto the front lawn as you put it, its worth it.

The next couple of scenes are definitely the strongest of the piece you have created a wonderfully comic situation. However, I found some things confusing.

                                                    Harry
                                     OI! Get away from my son!

He returns the plush toy to Toby - minus a limb.

Is it not a girl called Tina thats having the Tea Party? (My apologies if this has being touched on already I havent read many of the comments)

                                                     HARRY
                                            Yeah, if you say so.

Again I think this line is unneccesary, standing there "befuddled" would be enough it is a pretty strange chain of events you have unfolding in front of them.

Given we see the flashback earlier in the story, we have to presume Natalie is aware of it too, would she not be more sympathetic towards her husband? Objectively for the audience its funny but for Jeffery it's extremely tragic thus for Natalie also.

Sorry if some of the stuff above is a little nit picky but overall I really enjoyed this, great work, man.

Cheers

Col.

Thanks all for the read

To answer your questions Colkurtz

Australian Taxi drivers do have a uniform but I'm afraid it's nothing exciting and rather simple.

Tina/daughter/som mix up is due to my haste and stupidity of uploading short after a second draft and change boy to girl and not proof-reading properly.

Not fixing this problem with a third draft is just laziness on my part.

This is one of the best shorts I've read on here, it's different, very funny and has a good ending. I don't know where you got the idea from but it is pretty genius if you ask me.

Loved the character of Morrison, very funny guy. I could picture nearly all of the scenes and they would look great on screen. The bear that was supposed to fall in the soccer stadium had me in stitches.

I think the flashback would have been better in the scene with Morrison with a voice over. When the flashback ends, Morrison would be struggling to hold in his laughter and then taunt him like he does.

Otherwise, a great read. I really enjoyed this one.

Glenn,

First off, let me say that I like the premise of the story.  It's cute and it provides you a lot of good material.  I'm a little concerned with the amount of suspension of disbelief involved with your story (more on that later), but that might work.  One example of s.o.d is the psychiatrist's suggestion to help Jeffery.  After shoving a bear in his face for a couple of minutes he jumps directly to dressing him up as a bear?   I understand this is for comedic effect (and hence why the s.o.d might not be a factor), but it was a bit much for me.  One way I could think to remedy this would be to not make Jeffery's path to being cured on such a quick timeline.  Instead of trying to cram all of this onto one day, maybe you could make it something he tries over time, so you can show a sequence of failed attempts by the psychiatrist.  Just a thought. (or you could even cram more than one into a day)

I would personally lose the language of the short.  I think it takes what is a rather cute idea and makes it a bit too harsh.  I'm not against language, but it really felt out of place here (especially the sky diver's line).

One more thing that comes to mind is the birth of Jeffery's fear.  I see what you're going for (with the absurdity of the humor with how you think it's one thing but it ends up being something completely different), but I don't think you took it far enough, if you know what I mean.  I expected something completely out of left-field to happen even after the skydiver came down.

Overall, it's a good script, but I would fix it up a bit.  There's definitely some funny visuals in the film; such as Jeffery in the bear suit (however, like I said before, the suspension of disbelief is a problem).  And I do like the idea of him basically transferring his fear in the end (even though I don't really like how easily his fear dropped away; I think you should spend some more time thinking of a solution.)

Alright, onto Schizo!

This is a funny concept with a lot of opportunities for great visual gags.  On a related note, my son was traumatized by a guy dressed up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle when he was little – it still makes me laugh.  The Turtle was outside at some store event waving to cars and such.  I took my son over and we took a picture and shook hands with the big green fella.  He waved and was walking away when he tripped (falling away from us).  When he hit the ground the head of the costume came off and rolled away.  From my son’s angle of view he couldn’t see the head of the guy in the costume, to him it just looked like the turtle fell down and his head popped off and was rolling across the parking lot.  My son screamed and ran for the car in sheer terror!  Ah, good times.

Back to Phobia 39.  It looks like you already made some improvements, but there are a few other touches I’d like to suggest for your consideration.  I like the flashback, but I’d rather see it come earlier.  I think the best spot would be when the shopkeeper thrusts the toy at him and he immediately goes back to the event.  When the flashback ends it makes his reaction much more believable/understandable.  If just seeing a plushy caused this severe a reaction, this would be happening to him every time he walked through a mall (those damn devil-toys are everywhere).  And I love the part where he causes a mass panic as he flees the mall.

I liked the scene at the doctor, but it seemed odd that he was just being cruel.  If you could have set this up a little differently – like he has to “evaluate” Jeffery’s phobia.  Then, if the doctor is trying his hardest not to laugh, but just can’t stop himself.  This might be what you had in mind, if so I think you might have entered this scene just a tiny bit too late.  Also, I strongly suggest you end this scene on Jeffery’s line “I’ll try anything” then cut to him in the suit.  Ending on the doc’s line very much gives away the gag.

Lastly, the turn about of him being cured and his daughter become phobic is a great twist, but I feel like the timing is off.  As soon as Jeffery falls on his daughter we see this coming.  You need to save this bit until right near the end.  Perhaps when he first comes into the house Amanda is just a bit put off and doesn’t believe that it’s her daddy in there.  Jeffery tries to take the head off to show her, but the head is stuck on.  Jeffrey panics, flails around busting up the house and/or party decorations.  Amanda is upset and Natalie uses Flomper (awesome name, btw) to chase him outside.  

Jeffery then does the whole tea party bit.  Maybe add a line in there when he’s attacking the toys along the lines of “You killed my daddy!”  Once he’s worked out his demons he runs back to the house, giddy with joy.  He storms in to share the good news of his cure, trips and falls on Amanda at this point, sending her over the edge into Phobia 39.

Format/Technical Notes:
Pg. 1: “JEFFERY is age 32.” is a bit of a clunky way to start off.  Maybe more like “JEFFERY (30s), in overalls and muddy boots, makes his way through the crowds of shoppers.”
Pg. 4: “coarse” should be “course”
Pg. 10: Toby instead of Tina?  Also, on page 9, Harry says get away from my “son”?

Overall, nicely done.  As with all comedy, the tighter it is the better it works, and I feel there are still some opportunities to make this sharper.  Good job.

Thanks for the resds guys

Brian

It makes me all soft and gooey inside knowing that I entertained you for a minute or two.

Dressel.

Oh. I am surprised.  You have written some of the most funniest wacky scripts I have read here so I thought you would've really clicked with this script.

RJ

Thanks for the very detailed review. and your story about your son and turtle cracked me up. It's horrible laughing at other people's trauma but that's where the comedy pot of gold is hidden.

What's up Tonka,

I haven't read any other reviews of this script, so I apologise in advance if I'm repeating anything said by others.

Okay, just finished reading the script, and I really enjoyed it. Lots of conflict, and clear character change. It was also very amusing- I even chuckled to myself a few times, which rarely happens to me when reading scripts. The ending was predictable, I predicted that Jeff would cure his fear, but his daughter would develop the same fear, but eh, I read this story to be entertained. Not to expect some amazing plot twist. And well this script definitely entertained me, so well done mate.

Now a few things I thought could be improved... I'd go straight into Jeffrey in the toy shop. We don't need to see him walking though the crowd.

Now a few other things I noticed...:

- The passage about Charlie could be trimmed down to- "CHARLIE, a cheerful man in his late fourties, with a childish grin on his face stands behind the shop counter." In my eyes, that flows better.

- "Is it a plush toy?" "Charlie returns to the counter with a big plump plush toy in
his hands." Plush toy seems to repetative here mate.

- The description on the top of page 2 is too chunky.. break it down a bit mate.

- "Yes, of coarse." - Coarse needs to be "Course".

- Page 6 - "A person dressed in a bulky, teddy bear costume walks onto the front lawn and faces the house." Person needs to be in block capitals, as we don't know who this person is... We assume it is Jeff, but we can't be certain.

- Page 7 - "Princess! I'm so sorry." That sounds weird... I think it would sound better with "so" cut out.

- Page 9 - "OI! Get away from my son!" Don't you mean daughter?

- Page 10 - "Jeffery jumps to his feet. He is ecstatic. He returns the plush toy to Toby- minus a limb." Who's Toby?

- Page 10 - "Hey Honey! I've overcome my fear of plush toys!" I think that would sound better as "Hey Honey! I've overcome it. I've overcome my fear!" We all know what his fear is. You don't need to keep reminding us mate.

But yeah, keep this up mate. I really enjoyed it.

Cheers, Toby.

Thanks for the taking the tiem to read Toby. You're suggestion for dialouge change was very helpful.  

Hey Glenn,

For some reason I missed the new draft - sorry about that. This was definitely tighter than the first draft I read and I like the fact that you incorporated the reason for Jeffrey's phobia. Okay, the skydiver maybe was a bit outthere but it was pretty funny nonetheless.

Also, I thought the way you cut from the taxi scene to the flashback was a bit abrupt. Ashley seems to be catching on a bit too fast for my personal taste.

Overall, this was definitely better than the first draft.

Cheers
Rob

Two reads for the price of one! Woot! woot! thank you Mr. Sniper

Quoted from tonkatough thank you Mr. Sniper

Hey Glenn,
Was a nice read, pretty funny and somewhat quirky ... I enjoyed it.
I liked the skydiver falling atop of Jeff's dad, pretty out there but made for a funny scene none the less.
The tea party scene was good also - I could picture just how fucked up that would look if a giant teddy bear was swearing at my daughters toys.
Anyways, nice writing and some good scenes. Nice work.
Muchlove, Jayden