Hey! what the? I been following this short film on that website since last year.

That teaser has been up on the wesite for 4 months. Seeing this is your script Gregory, can you please tell me what the phuck is going on with this short and when will it be finished? It was a great script and I am interested in seeing the finished short.

Observation point: this is the second short script to get its ass scooped out by eric11 and proclaimed to need "a lot of work structure" only to go on and get picked up by a producer. (Pia's maggot script was the other one) What does that tell you?  

Gregory

I really liked this, I found the subject matter very interesting, very Orwellian (1984 being the best book I've ever read). I presume you have read it...if you haven't, check it out pronto, dude.

You painted a fearful and unnerving view of a dystopian future. I liked the use of the televison in the room repeating its jarring mantra over and over, instilling that terror and hysteria in Jules.

This would be a very good script to film, a lot could be done with it. Tone being a priority to convey this disastardly in-the-not-so-distant-future apparition.

Just a word on the formatting; try and keep paragraphs of prose down to to 3 or 4 lines.

I thought Jules ever increasing scream in the closet was a little on the corny side maybe just have her faint and transition that into her waking up.

Why didn't she try another number after the police station offered no help? Instead she smashed it off the ground, breaking it in half. kinda shooting yourself in the foot, no?

Usually the "Oh, it was only a dream" concept is regarded as a lame technique due to its unabashed bastardization throughout the history of storytelling...but I think you made it work here. This is in part due to the fact that her real life descends into her hellish nightmare at the conclusion showing that its not all sweetness and light in the real world too. The fine line between her percieved horrific nightmare and whats going on around her becomes increasingly blurred.

Overall, I thought this was extremely well written piece, you packed a lot in there for 6 pages. Some will say its over written in parts but that didn't bother me as your phrasing, vocabulary and descriptions were rich, vivid and diverse.

You certainly have a good command of the language. A pity its not all that important when it comes to scriptwriting, in fact as I'm sure you know by now, its discouraged more than anything.

Keep this kind of stuff up, man. I'd be interested to read more from you. Try and find that happy medium between exhibiting your elequent, florid use of words while at the same time keeping tight, regulatory control over it...basically don't get too carried away.

All in all, very good job, sir

Col.

You know, her not calling anyone else could be taken one of two ways: She has no one else to call or she's completely illogical and didn't think. But I see what you mean. I just needed the story to keep moving along. I didn't want to linger on a cell phone.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read it though.

And Tonka, the Code Red short is still being worked on. There was a delay in production but we're getting back on track. I didn't direct myself, I just wrote it and handed it off to another filmmaker. We exchange emails occasionally and he's getting production back on track.

And eric11 is just very narrow-minded when it comes to altering formula. He's extremely textbook about screenwriting but that's okay! He's just a tough critic. However, I've yet to see any scripts from him whatsoever so it'd be nice to see what he can do but yeah, he's just a tough critic. Don't get too beaten up about his opinion. You can't please everyone.

Thanks again for reading it guys!

Gregory,

That little teaser looks excellent.

Nice one.

Andrew

Hey Greg, just came across this one.  Interesting little script, here.

Couple things I wanted to throw out...

1)  Your writing style here is...different.  You definitely achieved the effect you were after with your sentence structure.  Short incomplete fragments, followed by more of the same, gives this a very fast feel and pace.  I think it worked here, being a short and going for paranoia, but the majority of these fragments could/should be joined together with a comma.  Not trying to be nitpicky, and again, for what this is, it worked as is, but this style gets old quickly, and wouldn't work in a longer piece.

2)  As Kol said, watch your blocks of text.  I think you could have achieved an even better effect with shorter blocks (paragraphs), and even more 1 liners.  But this is all cosmetic, and really doesn't alter what this is or how it will look on film.  Just something to think about.

3)  I didn't really get the end.  I have absolutely no problem with ambiguity, in fact, I love it and totally appreciate it.  I just don't quite get it here.

4)  I'd recommend changing your characters age. Not many 20 years olds I'm aware of live in their own house.  I think she should be much older, personally.

5)  I've had some run-ins with Eric11, as well, and can't stand his smug attitude towards screenwriting.  Someone else put it quite well, that he is 150% by the book, and everything has to be a certain way, at a certain time, blah, blah, blah.  BS!  Nothing has to be any certain way.  I totally appreciate anyone who attempts to break the mold.  It all comes down to whether or not it works.

I'd say this works for what it is, and you should be proud of that.  Nicely done.