Hey d.e. jett

Interesting story you have here, huge room for potential. At a very restrictive 5 pages it was never gonna be developed fully & I did feel there was something lacking when I got to the end.

I lot has been said above & I don't wish to dwell on the same points here but a few are justified, i.e clarity concerning what happened between Jenny & Red, descriptions of  character features, though well written are needlessly over specific, formatting etc.

Just a small note about Jenny as she "drags a heavy grey suitcase up the walk” while her tearful mother waits by the car dreading having to tell her husband whats happened  – Do you think the Mother would have let her carry this in after the ordeal we believe Jenny has just being thru?

I know you are going for a message there, symbolising a burden, heavy load on your shoulders etc but I don’t think it really works.

It’s an intriguing idea you have here & a real formidable antagonist in Eddie. The father like son theme is touched on with enough subtlety but without it being forced or over zealous in terms of Jack character anyway, he is reluctant to become like his father & he knows somewhere in that young mind of his that this probably isn’t the right way to go about things. That’s what I got from him anyway.

Having said that some of my my favourite lines were:

Eddie opens a fresh
beer. Jack looks up at his dad in silent wonder.

He slides out of
the truck timidly, and looks back to his father one last
time for reassurance. Eddie waves him on.

Maybe a shot of jack’s reaction to Eddie’s compliments at the end would give the audience an idea of what path Jack is lightly to take from now on, embrace his father's way of handling things or reject them.

I'd like to think the latter cos Jack seems like a good kid.

Anyway good read for a 5 pager. I'd have to file this under "difficult second album" as I was blown away by your previous effort "Harmonica Man". Best of luck.

Col.  

Hey Col,

Thanks for the read. I actually wrote this one at work a couple Tuesday's back while I was bored and really wasn't expecting it to garner much attention. Anyways, it is what it is. I hadn't thought about developing this one further, but thanks for the suggestion. I do like Eddie and could possibly do something there I suppose.

Yea, everyone seems to dislike the suitcase introduction for Jenny. Any suggestions? Ambulance? Hospital scene? Mom carrying her up the walk?

I'm open to suggestions.

In response to you question about whether her mother would let her carry the suitcase up the drive - When I picture the scene in my mind, I see Caroline in a state of shock, crying, trembling, in nervous anticipation of what Eddie will do etc. She isn't in her right mind.

At the same time, Jack does come out to help her - and that helps alleviate Caroline's responsibility to help Jenny in.

Like I said before, I'd be open to any alternatives. Thanks again for the read!

Dave

I read this but I found the writing unlcear. I think it was the title that made it so bloody hard to concentrate on your story.

This Aussie as in Australian? right? I'm an Aussie and found this script so alien and weird it kept distracting me. A huge tanned Neandathal who was chopping up a huge chunk of cow meat in his kitchen? A mail box on a post? A giant yellow school bus? The only place I see this is on American TV shows about deep south America.  

Is this suppose to be about Australia or an Aussie living in Missisipi or something?

Your action I found a bit to heavy and colorful like writing you would see in a novel. "churning the cold dry air like a locomotive"  or "curl fists into ball of iron" stuff like that. It slow down the read. You need to have it read fast.

Sorry I didn't sit well with this one but will look out for other scripts you do.

Not a bad script, but really has room to improve. From your posts it sounds like you were making a sort of commentary on child/parent relationships.

A father would do anything to protect or avenge a child he loves, no doubt. Where the script fell short (to kick a dead horse) is what the event was that is causing the need for the avenging. Jack obviously loved his sister and respected his father. He deserves to know what happened and your audience needs to know. If not, we don't really care about the characters we are supposed to care about.

Good dialog, good descriptions (could be shaved down, already discussed).

James

You crazy aborigine folk.  I don't know about yous.

(I've made some Australian friends at this site, so I'm just poking some fun at them.)

I know a lot of people said your descriptions are too detailed.  In my opinion, forget that.  It's your story and you can be as descriptive as you want to get a picture into the readers head.  If you want Jack to have an outie belly button, give him an outie belly button, no one should argue with you.  Jack's your character.  What if the producer or director happen to have a nephew with light brown hair that hangs down around freckled cheeks and an outie belly button... You just won their hearts over, that's what.  If the director doesn't, he can make the changes needed.

Important point short:  Do whatever you feel you have to as a writer to get the picture into the readers head.

The story works for me.  I did like it, though I think there is room for improvement.

To me, the story didn't come off as serious as I think you wanted it to be.  Maybe it had something to do with using the wrong font, (Courier or Courier New, by the way).  I knew something happened to Jenny, but other readers might not have caught on.  I think that does need expressed more and believe it or not, it will push the story and anticipation of coming things a lot better than just leaving a subtle clue here or there.  I think this is a story that could use a little 'over the top' characterization on Jenny.

You also said earlier that obviously Eddie is the main character.  I don't see that.  To me, you had Jack at the forefront the whole time.

I did like it, though.

Sorry to leave so brief, but I'm about to get kicked off the computer.

- Mark

RC,

Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement. I do tend to indulge myself when it comes to describing the worlds I'm aiming to create. I'm still trying to find a happy medium.

As mentioned previously I've been using Microsoft Word to write my screenplays and do use Courier font... for some reason it transferred wrong into Adobe. But you're right, it does look more like an Arial font or something??? Still working on getting that software.

Thanks for the advice on Jenny. Looking back over the replies it appears the general consensus is for MORE CLARITY on the inciting incident for this story. I have no problem altering it that way if I decide to do anymore with this one.

Eddie is the Hero (Anti-Hero) of our story due to the fact that it's his motivations that drive the story forward. You're right in the fact that we see the world entirely through Jack's eyes, but isn't always the determining factor for Hero Status. Think The Great Gatsby or To Kill a Mockingbird.

While he uses Jack to drive the conflict, Eddie's interests and motivations are at center stage.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll take a look at some of your work sometime.

Dave