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Loved the use of freeze-frame... reminded me of the opening of Trainspotting (hey, I've heard these are both based on works from the same author ), where the action freezes, then the character's names come up in a super.
When describing Brian (on page 3), I didn't really like this line ; "His eyes suggest he likes to find out more often than needed." - It sounded a bit awkward IMO.
Page 4 - Brian's dialogue; "So as long as Sam here treats my princess right, he’ll be alright in my book." - I would change "right" to "well" - "right", and "alright" in the same sentence are a bit repetetive...
Lol, loved this line - "Basic -- ok, I’m being nice... the place is a shit-hole."
Man, oh man, this script was amazing. A very good story, which you adapted very, very well. The dialogue was spot on, and felt very realistic, very conversational.
The ending was fri-gging awesome... I hated Mary so much, and when Sam threw his drink over her, I was like - "Booya! Finally she's got her commupanance!!". Very effective ending.
I honestly couldn't see anything to change, bar the minor things I noted above. Seriously, this would work perfectly on screen. I'd love to see this made... Is this an adaptation, or inspiration? If it's an inspiration, what rights do you need to obtain to film it?
Man, keep writing scripts like this... It was a pleasure to read!
I honestly couldn't see anything to change, bar the minor things I noted above. Seriously, this would work perfectly on screen. I'd love to see this made... Is this an adaptation, or inspiration? If it's an inspiration, what rights do you need to obtain to film it?
'Acid House' has already been made, this is inspired by one of the three short stories. The only similarity is that it is a man and woman with a child and the husband gets mistreated by his girl. I'd be surprised if there was a problem if someone wanted to make this, but I'm not the most clued up person on copyright law.
I'm not sure I'm the best person to review this to be honest.
I think it's very well written and largely achieves what it set out to do. It's the kind of thing that the regional film bodies in the UK seem to go head over heels for and I think you'd have a strong chance of getting it funded through the NE filming fund (whatever it is called).
I'll be honest though, I see this kind of gritty working class drama played out in every UK festival/film night almost weekly.
The London based media calls them the "Grim up North" films.
That's just a highly subjective point of view and as such is irrelevant to any objective evaluation of the script.
As regards the actual script, I thought it was fairly strong. I'm not wholly sold on the flashback at the start. The opening salvo didn't really seem strong enough to support a flashback. There wasn't really a dramatic question being asked that I wanted answering with knowledge from the past.
Maybe if it was more to do with the baby I'd have cared more IE Mary asking him if he's going to look after the baby or not in a firmer fashion. That would set up the idea in our head that this young lad having a drink and gambling his money away was the problem figure and then you'd get the reversal at the end.
Having said that, and I think I might be alone in this judging by the other comments, my sympathy isn't really with Sam anyway. We don't really see Mary do anything wrong, apart from going out and getting drunk. Sam is the one that hits her and despite being egged on, it doesn't really seem justifiable. Although there is the indication from Sam that she's cheated, we as the audience don't see it. We just see her getting drunk and then coming home. Quite normal behaviour for a twenty year old and she says he can go out as well. Not her fault he doesn't take her up on it.
It's also Sam who instigates the confrontation, following her after she's left the room. Later he aggressively grabs her face while she's on the toilet. That's quite a violent image really. Despite your attempts to show Sam as a sympathetic figure with his child, he comes across as a psychopath in his actual behaviour.
As I say, you don't show Mary cheating on him, so we only have Sam's paranoia to go off and going off what we've actually been shown, rather than the tone, I'm not really sure who I'd believe. There is some overt manipulation of our feelings with her smile as Brian is about to beat him and her violent episode in the middle, but again this is instigated by Sam who is trying to kidnap her Baby.
I didn't really buy the ending either with Mary apologising whilst her Dad was still in hospital. There's a fair chance Sam would be up for attempted murder, after all he doesn't have any witnesses and I can't see a reason why Mary and her family would have had a change of heart. The money issue doesn't cut it as she was going out without Sam's blessing so she can clearly fund her own lifestyle one way or another.
As a former lawyer. I'd also say there's about as much chance of Sam getting custody of the kid as there is of Newcastle winning the league. There are multiple eye witnesses that can establish that he's a wife beater.
Witnesses have seen him give his wife a black eye, he's put someone in hospital long term with a savage attack and he's just assaulted his wife again in full view of a crowded pub. He's going down without a shadow of a doubt.
Really good effort though, i think you just need to establish Mary's neglect slightly more and tone down Sams violence a little if you actively want the audience to take the side of Sam, or alternatively see more of Mary's interior struggle if you want to go for a more ambivalent ending where there's no right or wrong and everybody hurts kind of thing.
Cheers Rick, some really good points you make there.
I've just checked the North East Film Fund website and downloaded some forms. The free script reading sounds helpful, I'll probably touch this up then send it over to them. The application for funding is a bit complicated though, projected budgets and yearly figures etc....couldn't find the tick-box for GIVE ME SOME MONEY haha.
Sam gives Mary a black eye in their apartment at night so I'm not sure where the witnesses were? I see what you're saying about Mary just being your normal 20 year old woman, I don't fully agree, but yeah maybe some actual neglect of the child would help paint a bad picture of her.
Thanks for checking it out mate.
P.S. If you have any good links for websites to do with child custody and assault laws, then I'm all ears. Think research on both will be needed for the feature.
"Sam gives Mary a black eye in their apartment and night so I'm not sure where the witnesses were?"
Yeah, not witnesses as such in that instance, but he's given her a black eye so there is evidence of it and he's admitted it to the father.
Sam has no allies apart from his mother and she wasn't there during the fight at the end. Mary has the character references of all her friends and her father etc.
It would be Sams word against hers and the actual evidence would look fairly damning on Sams part. People are not going to look kindly on someone who causes actual bodily harm to their wife.
You don't really need to know the law to think like a lawyer. It's an adversarial system, whoever puts the best argument across will win. It's not an inquisitive system like the French for example where the judges interview both sides and tries to work out the truth. If you were Mary's lawyer think how easy it would be to paint a bad picture of Sam.
You may want to explore this point though. There are lots of conflicts lurking in the background of the script that you can bring out. The difficulty of young people raising children, how violence passes through generations, the difficulty of behaving in a reasonable way when you're under pressure etc
"The application for funding is a bit complicated though, projected budgets and yearly figures etc....couldn't find the tick-box for GIVE ME SOME MONEY haha."
Put a shout out for a NE based Producer on shooting people or Mandy or check out sites like DVXuser forr advice on budgets. It's pretty simple stuff really. You can find free templates on the web that work on excel or whatever.
One word of advice, get a Producer who is either disabled or of an ethnic minority. As manipluative as that sounds, it will give you a far greater chance of success.
It's difficult for the disabled to find work in the media so they're more likely to support them.
A word of warning about drama as well, if you're thinking of turning it into a feature. It's very, very hard to get funding for a drama without an overt marketing hook or major named talent. The vast majority of scripts written seem to be drama's. Festivals are flooded with them and even really excellent films are finding it hard to get shown. For instance there were 2500 feature submissions to Sundance last year, most of them dramas. the vast majority can't even get in to the festival let alone get picked up for distribution.
As an artist i would say write what you feel inspired to write as a Producer I would say that you night want to think about finding a way to make it stand out from the crowd.
I like it, think it's a solid piece of work. I've got Acid House although it has been a while since I last saw it.
Was this based on the second story? The one about the guy with a moustache?
It's nice that you've wrote a story that changes the tables and makes her look bad. She annoyed me in the story. And that guy upstairs pissed me off. Felt sorry for the guy having to put up with that bird..
It was very quick to read too.
If you're going to talk about Newcastle, try to squeeze that Keegan quote when he was talking about United. "I'd lov' it if we beat them!" That would be cool.
Overall, not a bad word to say. I know Acid House and feel Irvine Welsh would be happy with what you've done.
Yeah, it's the second story. In that story she has a very violent uncle that is only in the story during the wedding reception. I always expected him to reappear so I wanted to try taking Welsh's story and twisting it a bit to show that angle more.
A lot has been said already so I'll keep it short.
I liked how you portrayed the characters. Especially Mary and Sam. Sam was a good guy in my book and I was pleased to see his concern for the baby.
Mary was an extreme bitch. I consider her behavior spousal abuse. I read somewhere that it is quite common, but men rarely report it because they think it would make them seem weak. I think you handled that in a way that seemed very real to me.
Brian was well done as well, but he was just a big bully.
The ending was okay, but felt somehow that this is in no way over yet. When Brian gets out he might even kill Sam. Like someone else said earlier. I would have liked to see a more complete ending.
Thought with it being your Birthday and all, I would read one of your scripts. This one was a pretty good choice. Good and intense story here. Nice dialogue. It could use to be a bit longer so I can see why you would want to expand it.
I think the first place I would expand it would be after the wedding. I think we kind of need to see a montage at this point of the happy times. See their relationship building into what it is when you present the honeymoon as being over. It would also give you a chance to establish Mary's threat of her father over Sam more securely.
Just an aside at this point there was a technical thing.
INT. SAM AND MARY’S FLAT, BEDROOM - NIGHT INT. SAM AND MARY’S FLAT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The second one can be just LIVING ROOM. It will flow better.
Mary goes out. Show us where she goes. We know wink wink where she was but if we really know where she was, maybe how she feels about Sam even, it might give her more dimensions, maybe even more a reason for her to be liked. I think we need to like her a bit more. If you just hate a villain you lose some of the emotional impact in the story.
She comes home and you use the word paralytic to describe her. That usually means a person suffering from paralysis, yet she is moving around.
I don't really have much to add from their drunk argument on. It's pretty good.
The only thing I would add was that the end scene was a continuation of the first scene. I had to reread the first couple of pages to realise that. I don't think it would be as much of an issue on the screen, but you may want to look at keeping that timeline afloat during the story by interjecting little scenes of it as the other timeline progresses.
Overall, you did a very good job. You're truly improving as a writer.
I agree about the ending Pia. I'll be trying to make it a lot more complete when expanding this. Hopefully, I'll manage to get all three main characters to be likeable enough and it'll feel like they've all had a proper arc by the end.
Good advice about where to expand this Michael, thanks. I think showing where Mary goes to could be a very good choice actually. One idea I've just had while reading your post was to have that scene as just in Sam's head, so it isn't real, just him being paranoid. Sounds very difficult to make clear in a script that though, so maybe best have it in reality.
There's a word in England we use to describe someone who's pissed out of their mind on the sauce...I thought it was paralytic but I think it's something different. Paraletic, maybe? Anyway, it's supposed to mean pissed but thanks for the spot.
Shit, my post got deleted…twice! And I didn't save it...so, I'll have to try it again.
Sorry for taking so long on reading this, Ste.
I wish I could just agree with the majority and say it was great, but it didn't work that way for me. I feel more like Decadence, as I didn't feel that Mary did much to be looked at as this complete horrible bitch. Sure, she did some crappy things, but we didn't really see much, and Sam was the one who hit her, took the baby, and then beat Brian over the head with a fire poker. I just can't side with Sam completely, and I know that in the real world, he'd be in a world of trouble for his actions, any way you look at it.
The script was extremely Britiish, which isn't a bad thing, of course, it's just difficult for me, cause I don't get the slangs, jokes, and references. I also am not familiar with the source material, so maybe I'm not the best one to comment here.
As Sniper said, your slugs were clunky, as you attempted to use both full slugs, but led into them as if you were going to use "mini slugs". I personally like full slugs, no matter where we are, but leading into them with thngs like, "Sam moves into the..." and then using a full slug with INT, etc., just didn't work.
At 19 pages, the script feels short, but at the same time feels like you didn't necessarily choose the right things to include, if you know what I mean.
I'm just not sure what the meaning of it all was. It was surprsingly violent at times, and the violence felt out of place. It also felt disjointed with the flashback and jumps in time. I don't think enough was shown before the flashback, which was the majority of the script.
Don't mean to rain on your parade, brother. Hope this helps in some ways.
I wasn't going for one character to be completely in the wrong. Sam is supposed to be a more sympathetic character than Mary, but just in that he is the only one that looks after the kid.
I am going to extend this to a feature, so hopefully I'll be able to really expand the three main characters in here.
When you say that Sam would be in a world of trouble, I don't fully agree. A friend of mine once went over to his ex's house to confront her and her new boyfriend. The new boyfriend kicked the shit out of him after my mate threw the first punch, my mate was the one that got done by the police. In this, there's been a forced entry, a viscious assault and many threats (surely, overheard by neighbours and to a lesser extent, legally, by his mother) so I think he would get off skot free. Maybe, the use of a dangerous weapon would be a bigger problem but I don't think it's too far of a stretch to think he would at most get a short prison sentence (something that could work really well for the feature.)
Irvine Welsh wrote Trainspotting, if you've seen that. Scottish writer. Top stuff, should check out some of his stuff if you can put up with extreme scottish slang. It's not so bad for me because Scottish and Geordie are very similar.
The slugs were just something I tried out and as I was writing it I didn't really like them. I decided to persevere just to see what other people thought. Will be my one and only time trying it like that.
With regard to structure, I see what you mean, I think there needs to be more reason for it to be told like that or to ditch the whole present day - flashback - present day format. I'm gonna try to do it the same way with the feature but with more of a build up pre flashback, but will go the other way if it doesn't work out.
"A friend of mine once went over to his ex's house to confront her and her new boyfriend. The new boyfriend kicked the s*** out of him after my mate threw the first punch, my mate was the one that got done by the police. In this, there's been a forced entry, a viscious assault and many threats (surely, overheard by neighbours and to a lesser extent, legally, by his mother) so I think he would get off skot free. "
You are allowed to use reasonable force to defend yourself from an immediate attack. Hence your friend getting done. He committed assualt and the other guy had a right to defend himself.
In the situation you've created, Sam lets the guy into his house and gets a beating. If he fights back there and then he has a fair shout at using reasonable force.
HOWEVER, you show Brian leaving him alone. The beating has finished and Sam is no longer in danger of being attacked which makes it a revenge attack and Grievous Bodily hram at the very least and as much as Attempted Murder.
I certainly wouldn't be confident of getting a wife-beater, a child kidnapper and someone who has knocked someone unconscious with a poker off scot free...
It would be an extremely contentious case. There are illegal acts on both sides. one thing I could say with certainty is that Sam wouldn't get the kid. Absolutely no way. It would stay with it's mother or be put into care. Sam is demonstrably far too violent.
As it stands Sam has committed at least three illegal acts. Two violent ones and one a kidnapping. They're fairly serious crimes.
If it's your intention to be ambivalent with the charcaters IE the violent Sam who is a dutiful father, the violent Brian who is a dutiful father etc to show the good and bad in people then it is fine. If you really want us to sympathise with Sam it does need to be toned down. IMO of course.
TBF i think the ambivalence works. It's more realistic and makes the audience work a bit more. Leaves it so we don't know what is going to happen in the future.
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The Honeymoon is Over
), where the action freezes, then the character's names come up in a super.
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