Wow. that was some bizarre behaviour from Jeff. Bit of a weirdo. But it was enough to intrigue me and pull me by the nose through your story.

I take it Jeff was acting like a goose cause he was building up the courage to rob the joint but the courage just wasn't there.

The last bit at the end left me stumped so I guess I will just have to flex the grey goop inside my skull and see if I can rationalize the ending and point of your script.

Um . . . um . . . um think man think! Oh yeah. Jeff wants to rob the shop but he is to scared, so he tries to play it cool but his fear fumbles it up. He fails as a robber so he goes and gets his dad to rob the shop for him.

Quoted from tonkatough Jeff wants to rob the shop but he is to scared, so he tries to play it cool but his fear fumbles it up. He fails as a robber so he goes and gets his dad to rob the shop for him.

Now that would be one hell of an ending. I really like that idea! Especially if you have a little scene at the end with Jeff waiting in a car outside, his dad climbing in, throwing the bag of money onto Jeff's lap and saying, "Now THAT's how you do it," or something.

I read the script, then the comments, and after doing so it seems like you started off wanting to do something, but then changed your mind in the middle.

If you want the reader to know that he's thinking of robbing the store, show an item that would hint at that.  A gun, a ski mask, something.

As far as the idea, have the fake one look different, add in a moustache or something.  Another way to go is to just have him get busted.  "You really like I'm gonna buy that you're thirty two, kid?"

Just some thoughts to help clarify things.

You've got a fair amount of typos in here for a 4 pager as well.

Thanks guys for the read,

Hmm, I didn't notice the typos, but I'll fix 'em, I'm rewriting the script and hope to have it up as soon as possible, hope you guys can give the rewrite a read.  I didn't change my mind halfway through the story I just got a similar idea and thought that I could blend it in with the story I was writing, but now I see that that was a screw up, again thanks for the comments.