Miguel

This has some potential which a rewrite would help realise.

Technically, your writing is solid, format is mostly smooth and easy to follow.

Although I did have issue with one or two parts:

“he imagines the sound of his mother in the kitchen,
washing plates, calling him to the table.”

-- You need to indicate how this will be conveyed on screen instead of just writing it down like that.

In terms of story, you have an interesting setting and chain of events but it’s not tied up in any meaningful way due to the confusing and murky ending which on first read doesn’t make much sense.

Assessing it literally as you have written it, the Old Man comes across as just some stranger who happens to die in the same part of the alleyway where Stanley kills Bradford. If so, then how come he is not mentioned when Stanley trips over the rubbish? There is no reference to the Old Man until he’s staring into the dead eyes of Bradford. That oversight aside, If that is the measure of the story it’s a weak one, too coincidentally and inconsequential to warrant any dramatic punch you wish to deliver. Just two disparate people dying side by side, so what.

However, of course, my obvious assumption is that the old man is Stanley years later and in the throes of his untimely death in the alleyway he sees the apparition of the cop he killed all those years ago. Is this a correct assumption? If so, the problem lies in the very fact that I have to assume it as it’s not made clear on the page. Given that the Old Man scenes are set in the present day while the WWII London scenes are flashbacks, you should highlight Flashback and Present Day in the scene headings. Otherwise it’s needlessly confusing for the reader.

I’m not saying you always need spell things out and spoon feed, I always welcome ambiguity and interpretation but in this case you can at least tell us if the scenes take place at different eras in time. Since the viewer will detect this time shift on screen the reader should be informed also.

So taking that this is the story you’re trying to tell, its ok, not bad, nothing original but you tell it well and make an otherwise average concept into a neat 5 pager.

Col.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

Here's the trailer

Still Falls the Rain - Short Film Trailer from Miguel Santana on Vimeo.

Wow, Miguel, gotta say that trailer looks fantastic.

Hey Miguel!

This one fell through the cracks for me...
So, I just watched your compelling trailer.

So, now I want to read the script!
Gonna go that link for draft 26...

I like how the script reads.
It's a pretty visual affair, and that's a very good thing.

I'm reminded of two films I like very much...
Hope & Glory, with all the kids running amok in wartime London.
Avalon, has a great scene at the end about memories and time.
Your strong closer has a similar feel to it. But it's all good.

Looking forward to seeing the short. I'll support this on Facebook too!
Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from silentalibi Thank you so much for the feedback! Here's the trailer Still Falls the Rain - Short Film Trailer from Miguel Santana on Vimeo.

Very impressive.

It's here!! Please watch and share the finished short film:



Graduation short film written, directed and VFX by Miguel Santana. Currently working with NoFilmSchool on a series of guest blog posts about the making of this film.

OFFICIAL SELECTION: Shnit Int'l Film Fest, Ruby Mountain Film Festival, Phenom Film Fest, American Int'l Film Festival, Let's Keep it Short London, UH Animation.

WINNER: American Int'l Film Festival: Student categories 'Best Film', 'Best Director', 'Best Cinematography', 'Best Score'. UH Animation Expose: 'Grand Prix', 'Audience Choice', Other screenings include Shnit International Film Festival, and Norwich Film Festival (nominated for Best Student Film).


More info: http://www.stillfallstherain.com

This was very nicely done, Miguel.  You should be very proud.


Phil

Great job Miguel

Mark

Stellar production of a dynamic yet intimate idea.
This one's worth hanging your hat on.

Well done.

Regards,
E.D.

First time on this thread.

The quality is great. The film did great. And the fact you got it done is great lol.  

Big Congrats.

Gabe

Wow. This is exceptional! Congrats.

Hey Miguel,

Just checked out the film. Really fine work, congrats.

Good stuff!