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Punctuation and capitalization a little spotty, but not enough to distract from first rate writing/story telling. Can't cast too many stones� I can't spell or punctuate myself.
Not familiar with severance packages in Oz, but $20,000 sounds like enough to start a small business. Wouldn't $2,000 make their situation more dire?
The accent and dialogue are colorful and believable.
Mistakes on literally every single line. Opening Slug incorrect. From there, you continually miss a capital to start your sentences, a period to end them, you skip lines for no reason, etc, etc, etc.
Sorry, but the writing on display is so bad I can't get past the first few passages.
You need to make every attempt to present your work and yourself in the best possible light. You have not done that here. It looks like you didn't read this a single time before posting, or else you literally do not know how to write a simple sentence.
I’m afraid I completely agree with Jeff, I couldn’t get past the first slug.
Please feel free to pm me or let me know if you’re around by replying here and I’ll be more than happy to help you the best I can? It’s always good to get more people from Oz on the site.
If not then try to read some scripts here on SS or maybe this site which I’ve seen brandished around a lot will help, it has some helpful tips.
Gez Blue, why not just castrate the lad and burn his house down?
Ever heard of a Shit Sandwich? It goes Good, Bad, Good.
"Blue"? That's simply the color associated with the number of posts I have. You are "Red".
John, I'm Jeff, BTW. And no, I am not familiar with a shit or shite sandwich.
Listen...you can sugarcoat a review all you want and many here do. I do not and will not. It's 1 thing when a script is fairly well written, but this is something completely different. IMO, this is downright embarrassing, it's written so poorly. No way around that.
Is it harsh? Maybe, but Aaron needs to understand and realize that a script written like this is totally unacceptable.
Dreamscale is actually one of the best, if not the best script doctor on this site. You can learn a lot from his critiques. Whether they be harsh or not. Just sayin'...
@XL, Dreamscale is actually one of the best, if not the best script doctor on this site. You can learn a lot from his critiques. Whether they be harsh or not. Just sayin'...
And yes, this script definitely needs a doctor.
Hey, thanks for that. Very nice to hear, actually.
I rally don't want to be looked at as an ass or just downright mean. Sometimes, peeps need to know exactly what's acceptable and what's not, as well as what's right and wrong.
Jeff can be harsh at times, yes, but this script isn't really a script. There's no point in going lightly on a script that's been looked over only once possibly, and has a plethora of mistakes. This thing has the grammar and punctuation skills of a typical MySpace post, and scripts shouldn't be presented as such. Jeff's perfectly in his rights to say so (he's torn apart much better scripts, IMO )
Punctuation and capitalization a little spotty, but not enough to distract from first rate writing/story telling.
You're really not helping the guy by saying stuff like this, John. Punctuation and capitalization a "little spotty?" Spotty would denote that it's occasionally incorrect, but the punctuation and capitalization are uniformly terrible throughout the entire piece. And would you seriously call this first rate storytelling? I'd hate to see second rate.
My guess is Aaron is a really young guy and this is one of his first forays into screenwriting. Best to take his lumps now, study the craft and come back stronger.
I'll chime in that this needs a great deal of work. While there is something going on in this young man's life, what with wife and bun in the oven, there really is no story in a short script sense. This is rather a snippet of what might me a larger story. There was a very light touch on the heart with what is going on and you'd be cold hearted not to sense it; yet it's not developed and it's not in a setting that is unique or grabbing. Real life does not make good entertainment.
XL, don't run off. You will find that when a script is good, really good, you will know it when you read it. If you've not read a good script, then go read some here at SS, produced scripts. One persons treasure is another's garage sale item applies.
Hi Aaron- Not much that I can say that somebody already hasn't touched upon. Read more scripts, period. It will help you a great deal. Trust me. Also, if you need help with your writing there's plenty of helpful people on this site that can help you. Just PM them. Good luck- Dirk