Quoted from blackpooler88 I am around thanks. I just really dont like being belittled..you guys are just mean. I can write in a simple sentance ASS**** This is only my 3rd ever attempt, back up. P.S Thanks for the link Aaron

Just take it like a grain of salt,  But at the same time, learn the craft, write a great script and then come back swinging

Here's a couple more links you'll find useful.

http://www.scripttoolbox.com/

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-babzbuzz/

Hey Aaron- Try to not let what people say in there reviews get to you. Of course it sucks when people pile on you but you have to remember that you're writing for yourself not for the people reviewing the script. Take pride in that you accomplished writing a script. If you're having a hard time with writing just PM someone for help. There's plenty of people that are willing to help. Best of luck in the future - Dirk

Quoted from blackpooler88 I am around thanks. I just really dont like being belittled..you guys are just mean. I can write in a simple sentance ASS**** This is only my 3rd ever attempt, back up. P.S Thanks for the link Aaron

Hey Aaron,  good on you for turning up.

I appreciate it can be a bit rough around here, this is especially the case when the writer doesn't appear, so well done for that. Like the attitude, come out swinging  

Look, keep learning, reading reviewing (at SS) and you will develop quickly. If you re write this script, let me know I will review. Seems you have had enough advice for now.

Keep going.

Aaron,
I know it's hard to hear reviews like this, but the fact of the matter is, screenwriting is an extremely difficult craft to master.

I know exactly how you feel. I really sucked when I started, and felt like I would never get it.
Not that I'm a pro, by any means, but I've definitely come a long way.

The important thing is, you need to hear this and take action with your writing.
Fix the problems people mentioned and give us a better second draft.
Chances are, that draft still will be not so good.
So... get some more feedback and keep the ball rolling on your drafts.

Eventually, you will be producing some good material.

Think of it like the military. The strong survive, get better and thrive. Everyone else quits.
Keep working.

I fully understand that JAKE, (25), is a well honest working man at this company. But I think his wife STEPH, (19), who is now expecting COULD be a little too young in this particular engagement.

It also gives me of a question of interest. If jake walks to the fridgerator and rub his fingers through his hair, how can Steph walk over and reach out and touch him when she is still sitting at the kitchen table rubbing her stomach.

A good recession type short story Aaron.    

Trying to visualize an ominously sitting envelope...Cue dramatic music...

Grammar, spelling and format all matter in screenwriting. It's important to put your best foot forward and self-editing is a good way to do that.

You did a nice job capturing the flavor of the town, the disappointment and despair that surrounds the loss of manufacturing jobs in the modern economy, however.

While the punctuation and formatting problems have been beaten to death on this thread, I want to bring up the story.  This script just cut to the chase; it quickly identified the problem and quickly came up with a solution.  

There was no time for character development and there was no time for me to feel for the characters.  And if you don't care for the characters, you don't care what happens to them.  A pack of dingos could've eaten Steph and I wouldn't have blinked.

For this particular story, if you want to continue working with it, you need to expand it a lot.  The premise could be that of a feature length script.  Show us the situation and the tension building for Steph and Jake.  Steph is pregnant!  What are their options?  Let's see them suffer a little!  Build some tension.

Your ending was too subtle and weak.  There's a term for for when the solution is dropped on the character's lap at the last second; I just can't remember what it's called ('white elephant' perhaps).  Have your characters work toward their end.

Hope this helps.


Phil