Tale of a Mill Worker by Aaron Matthews - Short, Drama - A young man is made redundant in small town australia. 5 pages - pdf, format

I liked it.

Punctuation and capitalization a little spotty, but not enough to distract from first rate writing/story telling. Can't cast too many stones� I can't spell or punctuate myself.

Not familiar with severance packages in Oz, but $20,000 sounds like enough to start a small business. Wouldn't $2,000 make their situation more dire?

The accent and dialogue are colorful and believable.

John

Oh boy...sorry, but this is a mess Aaron.

Mistakes on literally every single line.  Opening Slug incorrect.  From there, you continually miss a capital to start your sentences, a period to end them, you skip lines for no reason,  etc, etc, etc.

Sorry, but the writing on display is so bad I can't get past the first few passages.

You need to make every attempt to present your work and yourself in the best possible light.  You have not done that here.  It looks like you didn't read this a single time before posting, or else you literally do not know how to write a simple sentence.

Not going to cut it, bro.

Gez Dreamscale, why not just castrate the lad and burn his house down?

Ever heard of a Shit Sandwich? It goes Good, Bad, Good.

Hey Aaron,

I’m afraid I completely agree with Jeff, I couldn’t get past the first slug.

Please feel free to pm me or let me know if you’re around by replying here and I’ll be more than happy to help you the best I can? It’s always good to get more people from Oz on the site.

If not then try to read some scripts here on SS or maybe this site which I’ve seen brandished around a lot will help, it has some helpful tips.

http://www.scripttoolbox.com/

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Quoted from XL Gez Blue, why not just castrate the lad and burn his house down? Ever heard of a Shit Sandwich? It goes Good, Bad, Good.

"Blue"?     That's simply the color associated with the number of posts I have.  You are "Red".

John, I'm Jeff, BTW.  And no, I am not familiar with a shit or shite sandwich.

Listen...you can sugarcoat a review all you want and many here do.  I do not and will not.   It's 1 thing when a script is fairly well written, but this is something completely different.  IMO, this is downright embarrassing, it's written so poorly.  No way around that.

Is it harsh?  Maybe, but Aaron needs to understand and realize that a script written like this is totally unacceptable.

@XL,

Dreamscale is actually one of the best, if not the best script doctor on this site.  You can learn a lot from his critiques.  Whether they be harsh or not.   Just sayin'...

And yes, this script definitely needs a doctor.

Quoted from M.Alexander @XL, Dreamscale is actually one of the best, if not the best script doctor on this site.  You can learn a lot from his critiques.  Whether they be harsh or not.   Just sayin'... And yes, this script definitely needs a doctor.

Hey, thanks for that.  Very nice to hear, actually.

I rally don't want to be looked at as an ass or just downright mean.  Sometimes, peeps need to know exactly what's acceptable and what's not, as well as what's right and wrong.

This is an example of unacceptable in every way.

Jeff can be harsh at times, yes, but this script isn't really a script.  There's no point in going lightly on a script that's been looked over only once possibly, and has a plethora of mistakes. This thing has the grammar and punctuation skills of a typical MySpace post, and scripts shouldn't be presented as such.  Jeff's perfectly in his rights to say so (he's torn apart much better scripts, IMO )

Gage

Quoted from XL Punctuation and capitalization a little spotty, but not enough to distract from first rate writing/story telling.

You're really not helping the guy by saying stuff like this, John.  Punctuation and capitalization a "little spotty?"  Spotty would denote that it's occasionally incorrect, but the punctuation and capitalization are uniformly terrible throughout the entire piece.  And would you seriously call this first rate storytelling?  I'd hate to see second rate.

My guess is Aaron is a really young guy and this is one of his first forays into screenwriting.  Best to take his lumps now, study the craft and come back stronger.  

Improper slugs

No character descriptions

Poor spelling and grammar and no capitals at the start of sentences.

The story itself was very bland, with a sad ending... Being handed an Electrical Apprenticeship

Read other scripts on site and the script tools link that the ever reliable Coop linked for you.

Mark (An electrician)

I'll chime in that this needs a great deal of work. While there is something going on in this young man's life, what with wife and bun in the oven, there really is no story in a short script sense. This is rather a snippet of what might me a larger story. There was a very light touch on the heart with what is going on and you'd be cold hearted not to sense it; yet it's not developed and it's not in a setting that is unique or grabbing. Real life does not make good entertainment.

XL, don't run off. You will find that when a script is good, really good, you will know it when you read it. If you've not read a good script, then go read some here at SS, produced scripts. One persons treasure is another's garage sale item applies.

Hi Aaron- Not much that I can say that somebody already hasn't touched upon. Read more scripts, period. It will help you a great deal. Trust me. Also, if you need help with your writing there's plenty of helpful people on this site that can help you. Just PM them. Good luck- Dirk

Guy doesn't appear to be around - maybe we scared him off.

We call a shite sandwich a 'feedback sandwich' over in inglund - I think it goes does down better that the idea of eating excrement in a bun.

So - good that you posted, bad that its a poor script, and (it'd be) good to see you around and re-writing.

John, meet Jeff, Jeff - John.

John - like I said a post or two ago - tender mercies ain't what you're going to fall on here ...  

I am around thanks.

I just really dont like being belittled..you guys are just mean.

I can write in a simple sentance ASS****

This is only my 3rd ever attempt, back up.

P.S Thanks for the link

Aaron

Quoted from blackpooler88 I am around thanks. I just really dont like being belittled..you guys are just mean. I can write in a simple sentance ASS**** This is only my 3rd ever attempt, back up. P.S Thanks for the link Aaron

Just take it like a grain of salt,  But at the same time, learn the craft, write a great script and then come back swinging

Here's a couple more links you'll find useful.

http://www.scripttoolbox.com/

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-babzbuzz/

Hey Aaron- Try to not let what people say in there reviews get to you. Of course it sucks when people pile on you but you have to remember that you're writing for yourself not for the people reviewing the script. Take pride in that you accomplished writing a script. If you're having a hard time with writing just PM someone for help. There's plenty of people that are willing to help. Best of luck in the future - Dirk

Quoted from blackpooler88 I am around thanks. I just really dont like being belittled..you guys are just mean. I can write in a simple sentance ASS**** This is only my 3rd ever attempt, back up. P.S Thanks for the link Aaron

Hey Aaron,  good on you for turning up.

I appreciate it can be a bit rough around here, this is especially the case when the writer doesn't appear, so well done for that. Like the attitude, come out swinging  

Look, keep learning, reading reviewing (at SS) and you will develop quickly. If you re write this script, let me know I will review. Seems you have had enough advice for now.

Keep going.

Aaron,
I know it's hard to hear reviews like this, but the fact of the matter is, screenwriting is an extremely difficult craft to master.

I know exactly how you feel. I really sucked when I started, and felt like I would never get it.
Not that I'm a pro, by any means, but I've definitely come a long way.

The important thing is, you need to hear this and take action with your writing.
Fix the problems people mentioned and give us a better second draft.
Chances are, that draft still will be not so good.
So... get some more feedback and keep the ball rolling on your drafts.

Eventually, you will be producing some good material.

Think of it like the military. The strong survive, get better and thrive. Everyone else quits.
Keep working.

I fully understand that JAKE, (25), is a well honest working man at this company. But I think his wife STEPH, (19), who is now expecting COULD be a little too young in this particular engagement.

It also gives me of a question of interest. If jake walks to the fridgerator and rub his fingers through his hair, how can Steph walk over and reach out and touch him when she is still sitting at the kitchen table rubbing her stomach.

A good recession type short story Aaron.    

Trying to visualize an ominously sitting envelope...Cue dramatic music...

Grammar, spelling and format all matter in screenwriting. It's important to put your best foot forward and self-editing is a good way to do that.

You did a nice job capturing the flavor of the town, the disappointment and despair that surrounds the loss of manufacturing jobs in the modern economy, however.

While the punctuation and formatting problems have been beaten to death on this thread, I want to bring up the story.  This script just cut to the chase; it quickly identified the problem and quickly came up with a solution.  

There was no time for character development and there was no time for me to feel for the characters.  And if you don't care for the characters, you don't care what happens to them.  A pack of dingos could've eaten Steph and I wouldn't have blinked.

For this particular story, if you want to continue working with it, you need to expand it a lot.  The premise could be that of a feature length script.  Show us the situation and the tension building for Steph and Jake.  Steph is pregnant!  What are their options?  Let's see them suffer a little!  Build some tension.

Your ending was too subtle and weak.  There's a term for for when the solution is dropped on the character's lap at the last second; I just can't remember what it's called ('white elephant' perhaps).  Have your characters work toward their end.

Hope this helps.


Phil