Most has been highlighted concerning the writing errors i.e., repeating descriptions under slugs etc. and not being succinct with your descriptions but I just want to add another common rookie mistake that you should be aware of:

It has a pool with no jacuzzi.

In this instance you are [i]writing something your audience cannot and will not see - the lack of jacuzzi - unless you see a hole where it once was. On film you audience will just see a swimming pool. My suggestion, instead of showing how neat and orderly everything is would be to ramp it up the other way. Deterioration of relationship equals deterioration of surroundings. These two have split, right? So, show a green mossy swimming pool for example. This would also add to indicate the passage of time and what has happened in his absence.

I also think the bucket is a little random and haphazard, for a character who's presented as pedantic. If he's contemplating the mess he'll make he'd more than likely prepare with a dropsheet or some improvised equivalent.

The story is not bad but my feeling is that it could be a heck of a lot stronger if you include something to actually make your audience feel empathy for your main character - perhaps a quick flashback, discussion with the wife/kids etc. At the moment with the information given I just don't care enough about your main guy but I think you could turn this around quite easily. All the best with the next draft.

@LC

I see what your saying with the pool......

I have a pool guy, so I didn't even think to have the pool tun green, thank you for letting me know about this.

I had a VO before so it was much easier to show passage of time by saying i, I'm struggling with showing it.

Thanks for the feedback man and the tip on the passage of time.

-B

Quoted from B @LC I see what your saying with the pool......I have a pool guy, so I didn't even think to have the pool tun green, thank you for letting me know about this. I had a VO before so it was much easier to show passage of time by saying i, I'm struggling with showing it. -B

You can use lots of tricks to show the passage of time. Some quite obvious ones are letters/newspapers stacked up in a mail box/on the ground (shown sequentially) - for character: a three day or more beard growth, the quite obvious sun coming up going down or alternatively, a character in a sunny room sitting in one spot and that same character in the exact same spot in a darkened room, ditto with a bottle of liquor showing it full and then near empty - a clock on a wall, toys rusting outside or being left out in the rain, (the latter a visual to pull at the heartstrings imh); a change of clothes, or, alternatively the same clothes and a bedraggled look on your character, with the sun coming up etc. etc.

Your story appears to occur in one day or at least in a twenty-four hour period. If you want to show the time lapse since he's been away and returned to a deserted house then some of the ideas above would work and that quite obvious standby: lawn and weed left to grow out of control and perhaps the front gate falling off its hinges, peeling paint, cobwebs etc.