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Like the set-up. A darkly comic situation and dead-pan delivery that I could see a couple of comic actors having fun with. Thought the ending would carry more punch or a twist than it did - fell flat for me. Perhaps more amusing on-screen with the music backing it up..?
Is it important we know where the breakfast bar is in relation to the room? Itís a niggle, but for the life of me that opening visual doesnít quite click.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Your script was entertaining, and you managed to make a dark subject lighthearted, which I liked. You started off really badly on your title page though, as a space should be under 'by'. Not a great first impression, lol. Maybe you could think of something to make your story more unique.