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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  The Cleaner - Produced
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  Author    The Cleaner - Produced  (currently 727 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2017, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cleaner by Rene Claveau - Short, Comedy - A bodyguard walks in on the cleaner hired to dispose of his client's body. 6 pages

production: Ultra-low budget - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 5th, 2018, 9:52am
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Warren
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rene,

This is well written and formatted.

Story wise I didn't think there was really a lot going on. The jokes felt forced.

I agree that it is ultra-low budget and would be easy to film but would it really be that interesting to watch?

It is essentially a job interview with no real punch or twist.

Good luck with it.


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stevemiles
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Rene,

Like the set-up.  A darkly comic situation and dead-pan delivery that I could see a couple of comic actors having fun with.  Thought the ending would carry more punch or a twist than it did - fell flat for me.  Perhaps more amusing on-screen with the music backing it up..?

Is it important we know where the breakfast bar is in relation to the room?  Itís a niggle, but for the life of me that opening visual doesnít quite click.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Simon
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Your script was entertaining, and you managed to make a dark subject lighthearted, which I liked. You started off really badly on your title page though, as a space should be under 'by'. Not a great first impression, lol. Maybe you could think of something to make your story more unique.


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ReneC
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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I'm very happy to announce that this script has been filmed! Check it out:

Cleaners


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Don
Posted: July 5th, 2018, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: July 5th, 2018, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Nice, mate.

Acting was great.

The back and forth camera angles were a bit distracting.

Good on ya. Congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: July 7th, 2018, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rene,

Loved the short film. Very well done. Congrats on getting this one produced.

~Zack~


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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Angry Bear
Posted: July 8th, 2018, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats!

I'm glad they had subtitles, lol! At first I thought it was something wrong with my hearing.  


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Philostrate
Posted: July 16th, 2018, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, thank god for the subtitles!

Congrats, Rene! The actors were great.


My Website

Shorts:
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pale yellow
Posted: July 17th, 2018, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Super duper congrats Rene!!


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