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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  The Cleaner
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Don
Posted: July 14th, 2017, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cleaner by Rene Claveau - Short, Comedy - A bodyguard walks in on the cleaner hired to dispose of his client's body. 6 pages

production: Ultra-low budget - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rene,

This is well written and formatted.

Story wise I didn't think there was really a lot going on. The jokes felt forced.

I agree that it is ultra-low budget and would be easy to film but would it really be that interesting to watch?

It is essentially a job interview with no real punch or twist.

Good luck with it.


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stevemiles
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Rene,

Like the set-up.  A darkly comic situation and dead-pan delivery that I could see a couple of comic actors having fun with.  Thought the ending would carry more punch or a twist than it did - fell flat for me.  Perhaps more amusing on-screen with the music backing it up..?

Is it important we know where the breakfast bar is in relation to the room?  Itís a niggle, but for the life of me that opening visual doesnít quite click.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Simon
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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English, self taught comedy writer

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Your script was entertaining, and you managed to make a dark subject lighthearted, which I liked. You started off really badly on your title page though, as a space should be under 'by'. Not a great first impression, lol. Maybe you could think of something to make your story more unique.


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