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Clown by Lewis Eastwood - Short, Comedy - An emotional-support-clown wrestles with his own emotions after being hired to soften a break up. 7 pages - pdf format
INT. CLOWN'S FLAT / ENTRANCE HALLWAY - NIGHT INT. CLOWN'S FLAT - ENTRANCE HALLWAY - NIGHT
You have double Cs DOUG (CONT'D) (CONT’D) You can actually delete Character CONT'Ds (in your software)with dialogue altogether, makes for a more streamlined read.
You overdo ellipses.
DOUG When you called this meeting... LUCY It's not a meeting.
That one above should really be an emdash/dash - She appears to be cutting him off and interjecting.
Save the ellipses for when it's a thought trailing off.
REVEAL: A CLOWN sat at the head of the table making a balloon bouquet of flowers. It's hard to tell his age with all the makeup.
Technically this should be 'a clown sits at the head of the table...' 'Sat' 'Is sat' is a uniquely Brit thing. I know cause I'm married to one.
into each others eyes. Add apostrophe to other's.
DOUG (CONT'D) ... called her a cunt.
Clown's fingers in his ears, very good. I love that Clown doesn't utter a word. Maybe one of the balloons bursts at a pivotal moment?
Anyway, though the line above works, I'd be concocting a funny line rather than using an abrasive four letter word. Little additions like that is where you might get a laugh out loud moment and might also provide more about Doug's character - that he's a joker, and a good hearted guy. Think : The Young Ones (if you've ever seen it?) Think great Brit humour retorts - think Rik Mayal, Ade Edmondson, Ricky Gervais. Make it clever and unexpected. A 'boring self-entitled toffee-nosed little twat' used to insult a dog is way more entertaining than 'a cunt' imho. Up to you, of course but I think this is where you can showcase your comedic skills.
Despite a few quibbles this whole idea is comedy gold from the outset - using the Clown as mediator, and the first image we see, is terrific and I loved it.
I'd just finesse some of those lines.
Loved the choice of the ending, I kinda saw it coming but making Clown mad and then flipping it at the end is a good choice.
Very entertaining, and would make for a very nice self-contained Short on a budget. Great stuff, hope to see you respond.
What a strange little story of resentment and parity. I loved the clown doing French mime. But the sadness that lurks within turns to bitterness. Very unclown like. Good writing and plot but a few issues with the Cont’d Cont’d Good job well done.
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