The Gravy Train by James Shearer - Short, Drama - An elderly couple know every con in the book. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

You’re on my “Must Read” list.

This was a quick read. I didn’t expect the twist. I was waiting for something extremely violent to happen and was happy that it didn’t. I really thought the story would devolve into something like the game “Grand Theft Auto”.

I found the perky, up-beat behavior and demeanor of the characters to be uplifting. I was surprised by the gentle twist that brought in a sense of Karma  justice.

This can be filmed on a small budget. I can see nice things happening with this.

Thank you, once again.

I based this little tale on true events.

J

This was a nice little read. I thought the language/dialogue was slightly off at the beginning but improved as it went on.

When someone hits you up the backside you don't really ask what was that then drive off in a strangers car to finish your holiday.

But I liked the short narrative. You got your message across nicely.  And I agree with Michael this could be shot inexpensively as a short.

Good job overall.

This was very enjoyable despite my quibbles below.

I actually thought for a minute that the restored car was up for sale, not the house, (and I laughed) and that the couple were none the wiser to the bigger crime under their noses. So then obviously the bad guys would come after the new owner of the car, not the couple.

I'm on the fence as to whether it works as is.
Great premise, regardless.

LC – thanks. It was the first screenplay I wrote. A quick exercise to teach me basic layout, etc. Though looking back over it, I can see changes I'd make.

The incident used as background was very black and back in the day, was quite a common ruse; though my screenplay is a tad lighthearted. Perhaps I should have listed it in dramedy.

Quoted from JAShearer LC – thanks. It was the first screenplay I wrote. A quick exercise to teach me basic layout, etc. Though looking back over it, I can see changes I'd make. The incident used as background was very black and back in the day, was quite a common ruse; though my screenplay is a tad lighthearted. Perhaps I should have listed it in dramedy.

James, you really should debate argue me on the finer points. You're allowed to do that here. Defend your choices etc.

For a first screenplay, bravo!

Secondly, if you follow what I said it might be more logical and realistic, but looking at it again it'd be way less entertaining.
We take from life a lot to write our material but we embellish as well, cause that's what imagination and creation is all about.

All the best with getting this one produced. As is it's sure to be a crowd-pleaser.
And, I look forward to reading your next script.